Saturday, May 31, 2008
Posted by 6boyzmom at 11:48 PM
Friday, May 30, 2008
Do a strike through when you're posting and also is there anyway to make double columns? I can't find it on the templates.
Posted by 6boyzmom at 1:19 AM
I wake up because I have to go pee and pea , and notice that its still dark outside. I look at the clock and see that it's only 4:30 am , so I stumble to the bathroom for the first pee , then to the living room for the second pea. I figure I'll get a quick fix , and then go back to bed. But theres something wrong. There are big red letters on my computer screen thats says "THE INTERNET IS NOW OBSOLETE." I rub my eyes and roll my mouse around and look again and its still there, so I go back to bed sure that it will be ok in the morning. After all, the computer is always doing weird things that I don't understand and this is just another one.
So the next morning I wake up and think I remember part of some kind of crazy dream about the computer. I go to the kitchen and turn on the coffee , wondering why I didin't have to pee. Then I go to the computer , and OH MY GOD, it wasn't a dream. The big red letters are still there! I peep out the front door to see if the world has dissapeared and see all of my neighbors peeping out their doors. The air is filled with a strange silence, you know, like on a snowy day.
Well, I'm still fiddling with the computer ( beating on it and cursing it ) hours later, when I hear a news flash on tv , that says that indeed there is no more internet. So I go back to bed, because I can't really think of any reason to stay up. I drift back to sleep , but my 7 year old son wakes me up begging for breakfast. I stumble to the kitchen, feeling sick and disorientated and fix him something. Then I go back to the computer and stare at the *amn thing. I almost throw it out the door, in all it's useless glory. But I can't muster the energy.
I spend a couple of weeks crying and wandering aimlessly around the house. I can't think of anything to fix for supper , BECAUSE I CAN"T LOOK UP ANY RECIPES. I feel like I am growing dull and stupid because I have nothing to talk about , and have not learned anything new ,such as who stole lawn ornaments and whether I should be offended by something, or who hates wal-mart, in 2 WEEKS. I havn't put on my mineral makeup because I can no longer watch the pod cast instructions , and haven't been grocery shopping because I can't print any new coupons. I don't know if my friends are alive or dead because I can't even do email. I am a stranger in a strange land.
Then one day , out of shear boredom, I pick up a book. Doesn't matter what book, not important to the story. I begin to read. I read the whole thing in 2 hours. A light goes off in my head (not the same kind I used to get from computer eye strain). No, this is a different light. It is a light that tells me there may be hope.
Long story short (cause you know, you get a lot more done when you don't have internet). I read, I begin to paint again, I make the costumes for the entire 2nd grade play, I write a book that becomes a best seller. I realize that I'm glad that I didn't throw the computer out the door , because I wrote it on Word, with no internet. My house is always clean and I learned to cook from scratch. My family lost weight because we ride bikes everyday , and I no longer need the mineral makeup because I now have a healthy glow to my skin. I go to bed at 10 instead of 2 , and don't have to get up 4 times in the middle of the night to go pea. My puppy no longer has to pee on the floor , because we now have REAL newspapers , and I'm just so FRIGGING HAPPY I COULD CRY. Am I glad that internet is now obsolete? *ELL NO!
Posted by 6boyzmom at 1:13 AM
Thursday, May 29, 2008
One day I also made the mistake of asking Jordan if he thought I was born yesterday. "No mama , I know you weren't born yesterday. You would be just a little bitty baby. You were born a longlonglonglonglonglong time ago weren't you mama? You're reallyreallyreallyreally old. You're older than any of my friends mama's. How come you're so old mama?" So I counted to 10 and then very calmly screamed "SHUTUP ALREADY JORDAN." So then he put on that hurt look and started whining "Jeez mama, you ASKED me and I was just trying to tell you. You asked me if I thought you were born yesterday and then you scream at me for answering .. I can't do anything right...you get mad if I don't answer you....you get mad if I do...........what do ya want me to do..I don't know what you want.....well fine , I won't answer you anymore............" "Shutup Jordan." I said through clenched teeth , as I pried the top off the Excedrin bottle. "Well fine , but don't ask me no more questions." I then tried to explain to him that I was only mad at him because he was mouthing off and he says , "I wasn't mouthing off. I was answering your question. You always said that I can talk to you about anything and we were having a discussion and if you don't want me to answer you then why do you ask me silly questions like do I think you were born yesterday..I thought you really wanted to know......but I guess you didn't so don't ask me no more..." Lord I love that child , but his mouth just won't quit. I don't guess I can punish him because I DID ask him.
You see where I'm going here? You just have to be really careful what you ask them. So ,due to my expertise , I thought I would compose a list of what not to ever ask .
DO NOT ASK LIST WITH POSSIBLE ANSWERS
1. How stupid do you think I am anyway? See above
2. Do you think I was born yesterday? See above
3. Do you want your face to freeze that way? This involved Jordan trying
to fit inside the freezer.
4. Were you born in a barn? Don't ask.
5. Do you think I'm made out of money? Yes.
6. What part of no don't you understand? The first part.
7. Who died and left you boss? If you die can I be the boss
cause Cane ain't gonna be
the boss a me
8. You have an answer for everything don't you? Yes, but you ask me too many.
9. How many times do I have to tell you? About 12.
10. Who do you think you are? If he's a worrier this could
lead to having to prove that
he wasn't adopted.
11. Who do you think you're talking too? If you ask this one he really
will think you're stupid.
12. What did I say the first time? He will repeat what you said
but he still won't do it.
13. Do you think money grows on trees? He will explain how money
doesn't grow on trees but
paper does and money is made
out of paper so he doesn't
see why he can't just make
14. Do you want to live in a pigsty? This could cause a temper
tantrum about why he can't
have a pig.
16. If everyone else jumped off a bridge
would you jump too? Are they going swimming? or
Is it on fire?
Posted by 6boyzmom at 10:52 PM
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Another thing. I used to be able to see my knees. I haven't seen them in about 8 years now. I assume they are still there , as I can still walk. I realize I may sound like a decrepit old woman . But it's just that I have quit trying so hard.I no longer feel like I have to have makeup on to get the mail. And take shaving my legs , for instance. I used to be able to zip that hair off both those babies in just a few minutes. Now , by the time I get one leg shaved , I'm so tired that I don't do the other one. I figure I'll do it the next night. But by then , a lot has happened and I'm even more tired , so I don't get around to it for about a month. By then , the first leg needs shaving again and , well , you get the picture. I haven't had them both shaved at the same time since Jordan was born. That would work out perfectly if they would start making Capri's with one long leg and one short leg. Then dressing would be easy. Each morning , I would just have to choose either a long right leg , or a long left leg pair to wear. Speaking of shaving , I just realized that I can't remember the last time I shaved under my arms. OMG , the way my life goes , it may have been years..........
Dressing used to be pretty easy. I could throw on just about anything and look pretty good. Now I have to decide if I want something that makes my stomach look flatter , or something to lift my bosoms , or something to hide my flabby arms. Or maybe a turtleneck to hide my neck. Trying to camouflage all of those areas at the same time is just too *amn uncomfortable , so I pick one each morning. I figure , if I try to move in different circles each day , no one will catch on and figure out that I'm falling apart , as they will only be exposed to a few horrible body parts at one time , as opposed to all at once.
Speaking of body parts , I once had a man tell me that I had a cute butt. He said it was shaped like a heart. I now realize that he was probably talking about one of those big , puffy hearts. I never was underweight. That's another thing I've given up. Dieting. I try to eat right , but I can't do diets anymore. I had to do too many at a time cause I didn't get enough food on one. And I take vitamins. I take one for my skin , and one for my hair. Then I have to take something for my inside body parts. And something for my bones. Then something for my brain ( I can't see where that one helps much ). Oh and a one-a-day something or other for ENERGY. Problem is , I have to take them at night , cause if I take them during the day they make me sick. And then I STILL feel like *ell the next morning , so I guess I use up all the energy at night snoring. And since The brain ones don't work all that well , I have to leave myself a note on the fridge to remind myself to take them. I dread the day when I forget. I'm afraid that I'll turn to dust , like something from Tales from the Crypt.
Posted by 6boyzmom at 12:07 AM
Monday, May 26, 2008
I love my family dearly , and would love to take a nice , fun-filled vacation with them , but I wasn't born yesterday , and I know how those things go. It would be pretty much like Chevy Chase's Vacation , without the happy ending. We went on vacation.........once. I promised God that if he got me back home safely and with all my sense , that I would never , ever do anything foolish like that again. Same way I promised (whimpered , cried and screamed ) on a roller coaster once. Haven't been back on one of those either.
OK, so the time we went on vacation , I started getting ready 2 weeks ahead of time. I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect , and that the boys looked adorable , and that we had plenty of snacks , and that Booker (weenie dog) had a nice clean crate , and that the house was clean before we left , and that the outside cats had plenty of food and water , and that ....................oh *ell , you get the picture. Anyway , so the day of departure , I load the van , get the kids in , get Booker in , and Mr. Wonderful , wanders out of the bedroom and says , "Are we ready?" Why *ell yea we're ready , no thanks to you. But I don't say that , cause this is gonna be a NICE TRIP NO MATTER FRIGGIN WHAT AND I AM ALREADY IN A BAD MOOD AND SO TIRED I CAN"T HARDLY STAND UP! So what I say is , "Yes honey , we're ready."
So off we go and I fall asleep as soon as he starts the motor , and am JERKED awake by "MAMA I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!" I sit up , blink my eyes and swear I feel better after that little nap , and my husband says , "So do you want me to just back down the drive way and let him go inside and use it. " Well, gee I guess so unless you want him to go behind a bush , I think , wondering if the 10 second nap between front door and end of driveway will do me any good at all. So we tell Cane that he has to go use it too , cause we are not going to be stopping for awhile , and of course Cane says he doesn't have too, but of course Booker does, so we get out , take the crate out , take the weenie dog out , and he just stands there. WHY won't dogs go if you're looking at them. They'll do ANYTHING else when you're looking , lick privates , do you know what to the furniture or another dog. They'll even do that in front of the kids , and then you have to explain to the kids what their doing , BUT THEY WON"T GO POTTY IN FRONT OF YOU.
Anyway , I'm off the subject. So back in the van and off we go. I fall asleep once more. I'm awakened by the feeling that someone is staring at me so I slowly open one eye , while at the same time closing my mouth , and guess what? We're on the freeway and theres a guy right next to us , keeping pace , and I don't know how long he's been looking at me sleeping with my mouth open , but probably awhile because him and his girlfriend are laughing uncontrollably. *hit! "How far are we?" I ask , wiping the drool off my chin. "10 miles ." he says. OH MY GOD.
And now the boys start , "mamamakehimleavemealonehowmuchfartherigottapeeimhungryandheainttheBOSS-A-ME!
Then the dog starts to howl. Do you really blame him? I would howl myself if the guy in the next lane wasn't still looking at us. My husband is hunched over the steering wheel like a madman , and that muscle (you know the one) in his jaw is twitching.
So 5 hours ,4 fights ,13 bathroom breaks, and 2 and a half (don't ask) food breaks later , we pull into Little Rock. That's right , I said Little Rock. We were just going on an 80 mile trip to kinfolks to have a little mini vacation. Yea right ,does he seriously think I'm going to WEST VIRGINIA?
Posted by 6boyzmom at 11:29 PM
Thursday, May 15, 2008
So today I didn't have to be at work , so I thought I'd treat myself to a spa. Not the real 'go to the spa' spa , ( I'm to po for that ) but a SPA DAY at home. Let me see if I have every thing I need:
Goats Milk ( don't ask me where I got it )
2 cucumber slices
2 slices of bread ( I think I read somewhere about rubbing peanut butter on some body part , but I've got the bread just in case)
Well, thats all I can think of that I might need. If you have any suggestions of something else , please let me know. If I use it I will write the review here! Well , I'm off to the spa (bathroom). I'll keep you posted on how everything smooths , I mean, turns out.
Posted by 6boyzmom at 8:21 AM
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you who take the time to read my stories , and also those of you who comment.It's exciting each time I read a new comment because then I know that there are really people out there reading my stories. As you know, I'm new to this blogging thing and hope to learn how to make my blog more interesting to look at. Don't know a thing about the graphics and such but trying to learn. Anyway , goodnight and hope everyone has a wonderful tommorrow.
Posted by 6boyzmom at 12:37 AM
Monday, May 12, 2008
Well , you know , there have been a lot of storms and tornadoes lately , and I've been worried because we don't have a storm shelter. I don't have the money to build one right now, so I thought I would borrow one. Well, not to bring here , although I would if I thought anyone would let me , but one that we could GO to and use , if need be. So I noticed one down on the end of the highway about a mile from here , beside a big brick house. I stopped there Saturday and asked the man that came to the door if we could use it if we needed to. He said sure , anytime. Well, I was exhilarated. I felt better just knowing that we had a storm shelter to go to.Little did I know.............
Anyway , storms were brewing all that day and I was paying close attention to the weather and getting things ready in case we had to make a run for it. I had blankets by the door , water bottles , jackets and flashlights in a bag , and I made sure that every ones shoes were by the door. I had the cell phone charged. I was as ready as I would ever be. Sure enough , the weather man gave the signal that our town was under a tornado watch so I told my husband that I had borrowed the use of the storm shelter down the road , and that we probably should go. He said , "I bet its dirty in there." Lord have mercy. Then he said , "I bet theres spiders in there." Well, heck , I never thought that maybe I should go down there ahead of time and make it all nice and homey for him. I mean , I wasn't planning on us staying there very long , you know.
Just about then ,the phone rang and it was one of my sons telling me that they had put everybody in the locker room at the plant he worked at. I told him we were fixing to go to the storm cellar. Then I had to tell him what storm cellar I was talking about. Ok , so I gathered the boys and picked up the water , blankets ,jackets and dog when , guess what? Yeah, the phone rang. So I sat it all down (again) and answered. It was one of my daughter-in-laws. She said ,"Theres a tornado watch so you better go to that storm cellar you were telling me about." I tell you , I had to bite my tongue. "We are." I said. "Well , when are you going, shouldn't you be going now?" I assured her that we should, and would do so , as soon as I got off the phone.
Ok , so round up the boys again , pick up all the stuff , and start out to the truck. Oh wait , I forgot my husband. He didn't know we were going cause he was back in the bedroom because we still haven't found the snake (wink wink). So I tell him , "We are going to the storm cellar now. It may be a little dirty , but it'll be ok. Are you going with us or are you staying here?" "Well, I guess I'll go too." he says. As usual, he's watching tv in his boxers. So he has to get dressed . But I have to find his clothes because he is INCAPABLE of dressing himself. So I sit all the **mn *h*t down on the floor again so I can get his clothes for him , and by now I am getting slightly irritated , if you know what I mean.
Finally,finally , we're ready and we all traipse out to the truck. After were sitting there and husband is cranking it up , my grandson says ,"Why are you bringing the weeny dog and not the cats?" OH MY GOD I COULD HAVE SCREAMED. but I didn't. I calmly explained that cats had a much better chance than dogs in a storm. Grandson asked me why. I told him because the cats would go under the back porch and the dog would run around in the yard barking. Well , grandson asked me what difference does it make if they are under the porch , if they're sucked out of there? I thought for a minute, while my husband kept asking over and over , what do you want me to do , what do you want me to do, over and over until I had to tell him to SHUTUP. "Timmy," I said "I would never be able to catch them. We probably can't even find them , they're probably off in the woods." He calls me DoeDoe. "DoeDoe, they're siting right by the truck looking at us." I peered out the window and sure enough, there they were, both of them , looking at us all pitiful. "Ok,Ok," I muttered, hoping and praying that he won't mention the snakes and crabs. So I take the **mn *h*t off my lap and sit it in the floor and get out and get the cats ,and jump in the truck with them.........
AND OH SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN, do you know what two cats can do to you when you throw em in a loud truck in the middle of a thunderstorm? If you don't , I hope you never have to find out. Well anyway , off we go. I have a sneaking suspicion that the tornado warning may be over by now , but after going through all that I AM GOING TO THE STORM SHELTER OR ELSE! Anyway , so we arrive at the storm shelter, and get out, very carefully because we have to make sure that none of the animals escape out of our arms. We walk over to the storm shelter and then all of a sudden we're slipping and sliding and falling , because the concrete pathway leading to it is covered with the slimiest mud you ever slid on in your life. Boy we must have looked a sight , sliding around out there with the boys hollering and cats spitting and meowing and the dog barking , and my husband said "I told you it was probably dirty," I swear he did , right there and then , when I could barely even stand up , so hitting him was not an option right at that moment.
But anyway, we finally get in the shelter and turn around to close the door and IT DIDN"T HAVE A DOORKNOB. I swear I'm telling the truth, and it opens to the outside so we couldn't shut the **&*(**& thing. Well, I thought I had read that you had to shut and latch them or you could be sucked out. It was a pretty big storm shelter , but I made us all huddle in the corner so if there was any sucking going on we could hold on to each other.And do you know what else not being able to shut the door meant? It meant that we had to HOLD the cats and dog. Thats right , we couldn't put them down cause they would run out (if they had any sense at all) and get in the highway. And they were pretty upset by now , I can tell you. Oh boy....anyway we sat there for about 15 minutes, with the dog barking and the cats yowling and my husband and I bickering back and forth about how we were gonna get mud in his truck , and he told me so , and hes pretty sure there ARE spiders in there , until Timothy told us to shutup. Things happen to you when you're under stress , and even though he was the child and we were the adults we did what he said. Imagine how we must have sounded down in there , to anybody that might have been passing by.
We sat there for another 10 minutes or so and I figured that it might be safe by now , so I asked Timothy to call daughter-in-law and see if the warning had been lifted. "I didn't bring the phone." he said . "Well, why do you think I wanted you to charge it?" Well he told me how he was just a kid and I didn't tell him to bring it. That I was the adult and I should have made sure that I brought it if I wanted it and yada yada yada. Then I made up my mind . It was time to go home. I hoped the warning was lifted , but if it wasn't I was going to take my chances with the storm. I'm pretty sure , if anyone had seen was staggering back into the house , all muddy and bleeding from cat scratches , they would have thought we had been hit.And Cane said "Mama, are we gonna have to go down there everytime it rains?"
Posted by 6boyzmom at 11:27 PM
Thursday, May 8, 2008
My mother passed away 17 years ago. 17 years.........man thats hard to believe.I remember her face like it was yesterday , yet I miss her like I haven't seen her in a hundred years.How can I begin to describe her. She was tall , had red hair and a wacky sense of humour. She always reminded me of I love Lucy. She would do crazy things just like Lucy. She would give a stranger the shirt off her back , but boy if she thought you had done something wrong , she would chew you up and spit you out. She was mostly self taught as she had to leave school when she was just a little girl , to help raise her brother and sister. But she was a very smart lady. She never worked for anyone else ,because she always had her own business going. Sometimes a clothing store or an auction , sometimes a nightclub. At times she was very well off , but when she died she really didn't have anything , because over the years she had given it all away. When I was growing up , she always had someone staying in our house , because they had fallen on hard times. She never met a stranger and every one in our town knew her , from the very rich to the poorest.She made me laugh all the time , sometimes when I shouldn't.
My daddy was a truck driver ,so he was gone for long periods of time. It always felt like it was just me and mama. She taught me so many things. From her I get my sense of humour, my compassion , and my stuborness. Her favorite saying was 'don't sweat the small stuff'.Sometimes I hear people complaining about their mothers and it makes me sad. I wish mine were still here. No one , absolutely no one will ever take the place of your mother, No one else really cares if your tired or sick or hurt , like your mother does. And even if you're 50 years old , she will still pet you and make you feel like her little girl.
Tommorrow , I will take out the letters that I wrote to her on Mothers day , many years ago. When she passed away , I found them , tucked away ,with other things that were precious to her. I'll read them and cry a little bit , but then I'll thing of something really funny she did and I won't be able to keep from smiling.
Yes,I will miss my mama tomorrow , but I won't be sad. My boys will all either come visit tommorrow , or call. With each 'I love you mama' that I hear , I will remember who taught me how to be a mother. Thank you for all that you taught me and all that I have become. I miss you mama. Happy Mothers Day.
Posted by 6boyzmom at 12:32 AM
Monday, May 5, 2008
Some things get easier the more you do it , but being the tooth fairy isn't one of them. I have been the tooth fairy for 30 years , and I'll tell you , it's not all it's racked up to be. Oh sure , it SOUNDS glamorous. Sparkly wings , beautiful dresses , and a little silver wand. HA! Try flannel pjs , spongebob crocs and somebodys t-shirt , depending on which one you grab. When I had my first little boy 35 years ago , I had stars in my eyes thinking about all the party's I'd plan , cookies I would bake and costumes I would make. When I had my last little boy 7 years ago ,the only thing in my eyes were my contacts cause I was too tired to take them out , and that stuff you get in there when YOU NEVER GET ENOUGH SLEEP AND KNOW YOU ARN"T GOING TO EVER GET ENOUGH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
Anyway so I have been playing the Easter bunny ,tooth fairy and Santa Claus for 35 years. The first 30 years or so was kinda fun , but after awhile it gets old , let me tell you. I mean , what is fun about sneaking into your kids bedroom in the middle of the night and getting attacked by their dog? You ever try to find a baby tooth at 3 0'clock in the morning.....in the dark......while being mauled by a weenie dog? Not an easy job , I tell you. And sometimes I can't find the *amn tooth! Of course I leave the money anyway , and stagger back to bed , hoping and praying that the tooth will get forever lost , or the dog will eat it or something. So I'm lying there sound asleep , dreaming that I had big floppy ears , a white beard and wings , when I'm JERKED awake by , "MAMA THE TOOTH FAIRY DIDN"T TAKE MY TOOTH!WHY DIDN"T SHE WANT MY TOOTH MAMA?" (I should let you know that Jordan never says anything quietly. I guess he thinks that because I am OLD , I am also hard of hearing.) This is followed by sobs and wails as I lay there trying to figure out what to tell him. I can't tell him that she couldn't find it in the dark , because , well you know , she's MAGIC and can do anything. "Well, did she leave you money?" I ask. "YES MAMA, BUT SHE DIDN'T TAKE MY TOOTH! SHE DOESN"T LIKE ME." Well what could I say to that? So I said the only thing I could think of. "Oh no honey. The tooth fairy loves you. In fact , she thought that you have been such a good boy , that she decided to let you use the tooth twice!" "You mean I can get money for it again?" "Sure you can." I (*umb*ss) said.
Now I've got to do the whole friggin thing over again tonight , weenie dog and all.And when his brother gets wind of this , you can bet I'll have to pay him twice too. Oh and just wait until he tells all the kids at school. I bet I get a lot of nasty notes from mothers. I tell you, I'd retire if I could find anybody else stupid enough to do the job.
Posted by 6boyzmom at 10:23 PM