Monday, August 25, 2008

Aging Gracefully

There are certain problems you run into when you have children at my age. Like remembering where you left them each morning when you drop them off at school. The teachers get really angry if you don't come back and pick them up. I guess they think you're out having fun , while they take care of your kids for you. In reality , you're driving around town trying to remember where you left them. If it's a really bad day , you're at home happily puttering away , having forgotten entirely that you even have school aged children.

Seriously though , the other day I read that experts say that women lose 10% of their brain cells when they're pregnant. I have 6 boys. If this is true , then I'm in deep *hit.

Something else I read: I read that your nose and ears never stop growing. That explains why my grandpa had such huge ears. And my grandma. I guess I inherited it from both sides and it seems that at the rate I'm going , by the time I get to be 70 , I'll look like an elf. Or with my luck , a troll. You want to talk to someone about aging gracefully , you better talk to someone that didn't have big ears to start with. Don't talk to ME about it , cause I'm pretty *issed.

My nose is OK I guess. It was kinda small to start with , so when I get old ( OK , I hear you snickering , I mean REALLY old ) maybe it'll be normal sized.

There's another problem that we women have as we age , that men don't have to deal with. The older we get , the bigger our purses get. I used to laugh at my mama and grandma about this. They would carry around these huge , suitcase sized purses full of God only knows what. Remember the show 'Lets Make A deal' ? The guy used to ask if you had outlandish things in your purse and if you did , you would win. I would beg my mama to go on that show , cause I just knew she could make us rich. Anyway , I SWORE that when I got older I wouldn't carry those huge purses.

Which brings me to the point of my visit to the doctor the other day. I try to avoid looking in the mirror as I get older , but sometimes its necessary, like when I'm brushing my teeth. So I was brushing my teeth the other night when I noticed that my left shoulder was about 2 inches lower than my right one. Which might not have been a huge problem by itself , but this also made my left arm look about three inches longer than the other one. Which gave me a slightly monkeyish appearance on that side. Well , I'm not one to run to the doctor over every little thing , but I feared that if I didn't go check it out , soon my arm would be dragging the ground , and then what would I do? Anyway , the doctor told me that my purse was too heavy! Well , I never heard such a thing! If he hadn't of tried to move it out of his way , and found that he couldn't lift it , I don't think he would have jumped to that conclusion. Can you believe that he suggested that I carry a smaller purse? Well I wasn't born yesterday you know, and sometimes you just have to do what you thing is best. I decided to just start carrying my purse on my right side , and I figured that after a few days things would even out.......................

By the way , have you ever noticed what women call their purses? My grandma called hers a POCKETBOOK. My mama called hers a PURSE. My daughters-in-law call theirs a BAG. I call mine a purse , and I guess when I get old ( er ) I'll call mine a pocketbook. I don't know how I skipped the part when I should have been calling it a bag. I guess I was so busy having babies I probably didn't even have time to carry a purse. I don't remember. That information is probably in that 60 % of brain cells I lost . Which leaves me with only 40 % to work with. I guess by the time I get really old , people will be able to tell how many children I had just by the way I act. Which should be interesting. I only hope that I'll have enough brain cells left to write it down...........

Friday, August 22, 2008

Just have a few minutes..........

Have to work today , blast it. Want to say that 'Twas the night before school started ' was a
' what if ' poem. Of course , I'm sure you figured that out! Our hamsters really did have babies , and I really did find the lost ones , much as described. That part is true! But I didn't really send them to school. I did however , REALLY think about it , but decided I would get in trouble or detention or something if I tried it. That blasted hamster had 7 babies. Should I name them after the 7 dwarfs?

When we discovered the babies , I was on the phone with my son , Toby. All my boys have a smart*ss kind of sense of humor ( don't know why ). Anyway , we were all screaming and and shouting about the babies. Jordan and Cane were hopping up and down excited. I was pretty frantic. I told Toby , "What am I gonna do?!! Won't they eat them? Don't I have to take the male away"? Toby said , " Calm down mama , yes all you have to do is take the male away". " How will I know which one that is"? I shouted into the phone. There was a pregnant pause and Toby said ,...................................." Well geez , mama , don't take the one with the TITTIES"!!! Don't ya think THAT would make a great title for a story someday?

Have a great day everyone , and I'll be back tonight , after I'm done doing something that actually pays the bills.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Twas the night before school started

Twas the night before school started , and all through the towns
mothers were rejoicing and acting like clowns.
The backpacks were packed by moms with care
Hoping that 8 a.m soon would be there.

The children were tucked away in their beds
While visions of freedom danced in moms heads.
And Dad in his boxers , and I in my gown
Looked forward to morning coming around.

When out in the bedroom there arose such a clatter
I ran to their room to see whats the matter.
"I need more water" , my son said in a flash
" Why certainly" I said , but my teeth they did gnash.

The moon through the window let me see
That a hamster was slowly creeping past me.
Then what did my twitching eyes behold
But another hamster and this one was bold.

I may be an old woman , but I dashed really quick
And caught those *amn hamsters with hardly a flick.
I was happier than ever I can honestly say
I rushed to the aquarium to put them away.

Oh my God! My Lord! What did I ever do?
Looking in the aquarium I saw there were no longer just two.
I was frantic , I was worried ,I was climbing the wall.
" Now *amn it , just *amn it , *amn it all!

As sure as I'm sitting here, this I can say
The hamsters had babies and in the cedar they lay.
So out to the medicine cabinet I flew
I don't know how many Advil I took
But it was much more than two.

And then in a twinkling I heard the sound of a claw
Turning real quick , do you know what I saw?
That last escaped hamster was running around
But I caught him in a sack , with a leap and a bound.

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot
(of course , cause he's a hamster) and he was covered in soot.
In the aquarium I let him out of the sack
And he looked up at me like he was glad to be back.

My eyes how they twinkled , my dimples how merry
I looked like I had picked the very best cherry.
But then I remembered , to great dismay
That we had baby hamsters , no way could they stay.

So I worried and worried , and clenched my teeth
And wondered if I would ever get any sleep.
What to do with all those hamsters , you see
Oh zippity do da , it's so great being me.

I'm chubby and plump , a right jolly old elf
I'm cheerful and kind and can laugh at myself.
So what did I do , I wondered , you see
To always have *hit happening to me!

I spoke not a word , but went straight to work
And filled all the backpacks , and turned with a jerk
And laying my finger aside my nose
from beside the backpacks I quickly rose.

I sprang to my bed ,and gave a sigh of relief
And hoped that I could soon drift off to sleep.
The next morning as I dropped the boys off at school
I heard people shouting and screaming with fright
And they heard me exclaim , as I drove out of sight
"Good riddance to hamsters , now I can sleep at night"!

I've been tagged..........

by smalltownlouisianagirl . Here are the rules :
1. Link the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Talk about 6 unspectacular quirks you have
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they have been tagged

And my quirks are :

1. I am addicted to Sonic ice.........I buy it by the bag.
2. I have to lay on my left side to be able to fall asleep.
3. I don't eat meat.
4. I won't say bye on the phone to people I love....I always say I love you.
5. I have to have a fan on at night to sleep.
6. I am superstitious

Wow! I am more unspectacular than I thought. Bummer! Anyway , I am tagging..........


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Look what I won! Thanks to Kim at bugsandbunnies for giving me this award. And thanks for helping me with this post. You did most of the work , Kim. I can make a link!!!! I feel like I won the lottery!
I would like to nominate Nicole. Congrats!

Moms are from earth.........Dads are from........somewhere else.

Moms are grounded in the earth , like mother nature . They take charge and know how to do everything. If a mom doesn't know how to do something , then she can ask her mother and she'll know. Like the saying goes , " Mothers know a lot , but Grandmothers know everything". We learn from an early age to be nurturing and giving. I don't know what happened to the dads. Men expect us to do everything. They can be rocket scientists or doctors , lawyers or wrestlers. It doesn't matter. The minute they walk in the door , they become helpless. My husband used to meet me at the door if I had been gone from the house for more than 10 minutes. Was he meeting me at the door because he had missed me so much? Not a chance. Picture it; I struggle to the door with both arms full of groceries and a boy attached to my leg. Husband opens the door and he says .................."I'm hungry."

Well , holy *hit , I think. Who cares. I've just spent 3 hours in Wal-mart with two fighting boys.Who gives a flying fig if you're hungry. But I don't say this. I just stumble to the kitchen , carrying my bags , while he trails behind me like a lost soul. I put the bags down , thinking
that someone must have stolen all our food while I was gone. But no , I open the fridge and see : sandwich stuff , half a ham , leftovers from dinner, fruit , etc, etc.
"Well , why didn't you make yourself a sandwich?" I foolishly ask
"You want me to fix my own sandwich?" he asks me , incredulously. I don't even bother to answer because we've been playing this scene for years. He just does not get the concept of feeding himself. It makes me wonder if I dropped dead today , if he would starve , or would instinct for survival kick in. Somehow I doubt it. I think when men get married , that instinct dies , along with common sense , and the ability to watch their own kids.

God forbid that I go somewhere and leave the kids under his watchful eye. To him "Will you watch the kids?" is translated as "naptime." Last time I left the kids with him , I came home to find him asleep and Jordan on the roof. The boys had eaten : a box of Popsicles, two bags of chips , a bag of cookies and some dog food. ( don't ask). No wonder Jordan was on the roof. I'm sure , after all that sugar , he thought he could fly.

And what about the dads that feel like they have to tell you everything , rather than do something about it. "Jordan is picking his nose." "Cane wants a drink." "Jordan needs to go to the bathroom." Good Lord , if I had of wanted a tattle-tale , I would have had another kid!

While the mothers feet are firmly planted on the ground , planning dinner , thinking about school clothes, wondering how the budget is going to fit all the bills this month, the dads are in la-la land making elaborate plans. They talk about : another car, a vacation , a condo , or whatever. It doesn't matter what it is , as long as it costs a lot .

I really believe they come from a different planet. I mean , they act like they wake up in a different world everyday. They will ask you where the towels are , even if they've been in the same place for 20 years. You can replace towels with any word. It doesn't matter. They don't know where ANYTHING is. They will even ask you where their shoes are , for Pete's sake. Like we wore them and left them in some hidden place , you know?

And around here , everything bad becomes mine.My husband has a bad habit of telling me that : I have a stain on the carpet or a bad apple in the fridge or a tear in the curtain. You get the picture. The other day he walked in the room and said "You've got ants." I looked down to see if ants were crawling on me , or if I had ants in my pants , but I couldn't find any. "What do you mean , I've got ants?" I asked. "Come see". I followed him to the kitchen where there was a little trail of ants happily making their way across the kitchen counter. I stood and stared at them a minute , then ran and grabbed a magnifying glass. "What are you doing?" he shouted. ( my husband , although 6 foot 4 , is scared of bugs) "Why don't you kill them or something?" "Just a minute." I told him . I carefully examined them with the magnifying glass , then looked at him and said " No. you're wrong. Those aren't MY ants. I've never seen them before in my life. They must be YOURS." With that I walked out of the kitchen and left him to deal with them on his own. Besides , I had to get Jordan off the roof.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Moving in with my son

When I'm an old lady,
I'll live with my son...
I'll make his life happy
And filled with such fun;
I want to pay back
All the joy he's provided;
Returning each deed...
Oh! He'll be so excited!

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
I'll write on the wall
With red, white, and blue;
And bounce on the furniture
While wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton
And then leave it out;
I'll stuff all the toilets,
And oh!...will he shout!

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
When he's on the phone
And just out of reach...
I'll get into things
Like sugar and bleach;
Oh, he'll snap his fingers
And then shake his head;
And when things get tough...
I'll hide under the bed.

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
I'll sit close to the TV,
Through the channels I'll click;
I'll cross both my eyes
To see if they stick;
I'll take off my socks
And throw one away,
And play in the mud
Until the end of the day.

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
When he cooks dinner
And calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans
Or salads congealed;
I'll gag on my oatmeal,
Spill milk on the table,
And when he gets angry,
I'll run as fast as I'm able.

And later in bed,
I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer
And then close my eyes;
My son will look down
With a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
"She's so sweet when she's sleeping."

written by Joann Bailey Baxter

Monday, August 11, 2008

Back to school.................

It's almost here. There are 5 days ,7 hours and 26 minutes until school starts. Not that I'm counting or anything , you know? But gosh , this has been a loooooooooong summer. I love my boys more than anything in the world , but I'm ready. They are too , although they won't admit it. They are beginning to get bored and they fight constantly. I ought to write a book called "He ain't the boss a me. " I think every mother in the world would buy it , cause they can identify with it. I have heard that about a thousand times this summer.

You ever think about the tons of paperwork they have you fill out the first day of school? I mean , they ask you about 100 times what your address and phone number is. On different pieces of paper. I feel like I should just get a stamp made with my address and phone number and stamp all those blasted pieces of paper. They want to make SURE they can find you in case you don't come back to pick up the kids. And did you know that they check , before you get out the door, to make sure you're not using a fake address and phone number? I won't tell you how I found that out.................

Then when you get them settled in and think everything is going to go smoothly you start getting the papers sent home. I get papers telling me they are sending papers , then I get papers asking me if I received the papers! Last year I was going to be so organized....I bought little plastic boxes for incoming papers and outgoing papers. Trust me on this: Don't waste your money on little plastic boxes CAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ANY BIG ENOUGH. If you have a
spare room in your house , just use that. Just open the door , throw em in there , and shut the door. You get used to it after awhile. True , when you need a paper , you'll have to wade through a room full of papers , but at least they'll all be in the same place.

Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about. Fundraisers.Last year when I got home from dropping my kids off the first day of school , there was a message on my phone from the school telling me that the fundraiser had begun. I live 5 minutes from the school. I don't know why they just didn't tell me to my face , but I guess they were scared.......... I'm all for raising money for the school , but why won't they just send a note home like this:
ATTENTION: You must send $20.00 by tomorrow for our '2nd day of school fundraiser' , or keep your kid at home. We are serious: If you can't send the money , we understand , but your kid can't come to school without it.
Everyone would send it , believe me , cause it's been a looooooooooong summer, you know what I mean?

But can they do that? Oh no! They have to send home a big colorful brochure with a picture of the worlds best bike on it. It says:
ATTENTION: We are having a fundraiser. If your child sells 1000 bars of candy he may or may not receive this bike. If he sells 1-999 bars of candy , he will receive a balloon. Please support our school and your child in this endeavor.
Well , Holy *hit. I don't know 1000 people , and the ones I do know , half of em are diabetic or something. But there my little boys stand , with stars in their eyes , so excited that they are hopping up and down. And I tell you , they ain't jumping up and down because of the balloon.

Well, so you call everybody you know and after being on the phone for 2 hours you have sold 19 bars of candy. Only 981 to go. Twice. If you live in a really small town , you're screwed. I'm serious. I once lived in a town with only 618 people. But that's a whole nuther story , and I'm getting off track here.

Anyway, I can't send the boys out door to door alone , and their dad has better sense than I do , so he's not gonna do it. So the first house we go to looks like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre people live there. There are bones and stuff hanging from the porch. But there's a lot of candy wrappers in the yard so I figure they're good candidates. So after telling the boys to run get their daddy if someone pulls me in the door , I knock. My knees are knocking too.
"$20.00 worth-LEAVE IT ON THE PORCH!"
Well OK then, I think , how are we supposed to get paid for it? But about that time a 20 dollar bill slides out from under the door. Well , this ain't so bad , I think , as I lay 20 bars of candy next to the door.
3 hours and 15 minutes later we have only sold 5 more. But we had a goat and 2 cats follow us home , so I guess the day wasn't a total waste. I actually contemplated keeping the goat , thinking that it would make up for the bikes they weren't going to get. But being a smart woman , I decided that it would be easier to buy 2 bikes than try to upkeep a goat. I would have bought the candy myself so the boys would have a chance at the bikes from the school , but with 2 boys that would have been nearly 2000 bars. And after all , they won't feel left out when they hand out the prizes cause they will get the balloons. And besides , theres no room in the freezer because of the candy from the year before .......................

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Dear Hartz..............

Dear Hartz,
I am writing this letter in regards to your Play City Hamster Cage. I suppose a play city for hamsters is a good idea , and would provide them hours of entertainment , IF they were ever actually in the cage long enough to be entertained. I purchased 4 of your cages , brought them home and put them together. (which I might add was not an easy task.) Upon completion , I put the hamsters in the cages and that's when the fun really began. First of all , the wheel attachment on the side: The hamster would have to weigh 50 pounds to be able to turn that wheel , in which case he would not fit inside the cage , so that is a useless attachment. As soon as they figured out that they couldn't turn the wheel , they carried all their cedar into it and made a bed. When they were bored with that , they took the wheel apart , thus creating a hole to escape through. Luckily I saw what was going on and caught them in the toy box. Put them back in the cage ,put the enclosed stopper in the hole and went to bed. I find I'm curious as to why you enclosed a stopper for the wheel hole. Did you know that the hamsters would take it off?

Anyway , next morning , checking on them , I find NO *AMN HAMSTERS IN THE CAGES! Do you know what this means? It means THEY ARE LOOSE IN MY HOUSE! I happen to be scared of them. If you wonder why I bought a bunch of hamsters and 4 cages if I was scared of them I will tell you. 3 cages and 6 hamsters were supposed to go home with my grandchildren. We were SUPPOSED to have 1 cage and 2 hamsters. IF they would stay in their cages , I would be able to handle 2 CAGED hamsters. I cannot handle 8 loose hamsters in my house.

How did they get out , you may ask? Well , I can't say for sure , as they didn't leave a note. But I can say for sure that they are gone, baby , gone. And they didn't eat each other as I have heard hamsters are prone to do , because if they had , there would have to be at least one really fat one left, know what I mean?

Of course the grandchildren were heartbroken , so there was nothing I could do but go buy more hamsters , but I made sure that they stayed in a shoebox until the kids took them home. All of the above mentioned hamsters are still at large , except one. He was apprehended at 4 a.m one morning , as I sat sleepless , and happened to see him creep under the dining room table. Where do you think the other 7 have gone to? I have not had much sleep since their escape , but I am still rational enough to know that after 2 weeks , I probably won't find them. Unless I smell something strange and follow my nose. Which I can tell you I am not looking forward to.

This is also greatly effecting my ..........umm.....relations with my husband. If he touches me in the dark at night , I jump out of the bed and run screaming from the room. I keep telling him it's the hamsters , but it is beginning to give him an inferiority complex , and I fear that he will have a middle age crisis soon. And I a nervous breakdown. Besides for the fact that he is still looking for the snake and now he has to worry about loose hamsters too , so he is not getting much sleep either. Which is making him late for work. I would hate for him to loose his job , because it would be on your company's head , I tell you.

Also , you state on your advertisement that the play city's wire bars promote plenty of fresh air and owner interaction. Pu-leeze. They are probably getting plenty of fresh air wherever they may be , but if I step on one in the middle of the night , the owner interaction is not gonna be pretty.

Anyway , I am writing this letter because I was not satisfied with the result of the phone call I made to your company. True , you offered to replace all of the cages or refund the money. I don't want the cages replaced. What am I gonna do , go buy some more hamsters and put them in your wonderful fresh air cages? Yea , right , like that's gonna happen. And I don't want the money. I want someone to come find these **&()&*^^**^^* hamsters. And I think it should be someone from your company. I think that if you had to fly someone to my house , and have them crawl around on their knees until the hamsters were apprehended , then maybe next time you made a cage you might put the frigging bars just a wee bit closer.

Now I know that this letter has been long winded , but you have to understand that I DON"T HAVE MUCH ELSE TO DO AS I SIT HERE ALL NIGHT AFRAID TO GO TO BED! And I am enclosing a bill. I don't expect you to pay it , but would like for you to see the damage that has been done.

electricity to keep all lights on at night.........$25.00 extra per month
Therapy....................$50.00 per hour
Therapy for my husband..........$50.00 per hour
extra coffee to be able to stay awake in the daytime..........$10.00
replacement of 6 hamsters for grandchildren.....................$72.00
aquarium for lone captured hamster to make sure he doesn't get out.................$10.00
The look on my husbands face when I told him all the hamsters were loose..................priceless

Mrs. Nevergonnabuyanother*amnhamster


Pyzam Glitter Text Maker
Create your own glittery text at


Pyzam Family Sticker Toy
Create your own family sticker graphic at

I made this with all the boys and the dog and two cats , but it will only let me show 4 figures on it. Bummer.