Saturday, October 9, 2010

Blue Toenails

The other morning when I woke up I felt really good. I mean really, really good. Which kind of worried me cause you know what they say about people just before they die...they say that they said that they felt better than they had in years. But anyway , I felt so good. I was raring to go. I had a thousand things to do and I was going to get them all done that day. I could hardly wait to get started. Then I got out of bed. Yea.....ok. Maybe I can do most of them tomorrow , you know?

Which brings me to the point I'm trying to make. People think I'm eccentric. Maybe cause I wear blue polish on my toes , but just on 8 of them. By the time I get to those last two I'm just too tired to care. Plus I don't think I can reach those two. Seriously , its always the same two . Well except for the time I only painted my two big toes. I was really not feeling good that summer plus I needed new glasses so I think those were the only two I could see. Do you know how long it takes for bright blue polish to grow off your toenails? It takes a long , long time. Yea I know they make polish remover , but in the time it would have taken to take it off , I could have painted 2 more. Which was my intention all along. I'm old. I'm tired. But I was going to paint about 2 a day until I got them all done , but after summer was over ,it just didn't seem worth the effort. So I'm not eccentric , I'm just tired!

Now that I think about it , it might not be the 8 blue toenails that make people think I'm eccentric. At least that's what I tell myself they think , except that one woman that called me just plain old crazy........but that's a whole nuther story. But I'm getting side swiped.... I mean tracked ...yea that's it...side TRACKED. Ok so it might possibly be my pink hair that makes people think I'm cr...eccentric. The pink hair was not just happened to be the first one I saw when I went to the store. They had a display of them up front. True , it was Halloween , but the others were wayyyyyyyyy back in the back of the store , so I weighed my options. Pink hair or walking to the hair or walking to the back. Well , I chose pink hair. I mean after all , it will probably wear off around the same time the blue polish does .....

I also have hot pink glasses and wear flowers in my hair.And although I'm really very shy I just don't want to be known as ordinary. I mean whats the thrill in that. When I'm gone do I want people to say ..." Oh yea-I remember her ..that ordinary old lady!" or do I want them to say , " Oh yea-I remember her....that cr...I mean eccentric old lady?" So tell me , which would you choose?

Thursday, October 7, 2010


I would have been a millionaire if it wasn't for Walmart. Seriously. If you take all the money I have spent at Walmart and added it up I would have been a millionaire. (I keep saying it because I can't believe it but its true) Just the other day I spent 100.00 dollars for a loaf of bread. I did! Forget all the other crap that I hauled home in bags and bags .... I didn't need any of it so that loaf of bread cost me a hundred bucks! Pitiful.

There is something worse though. Guess what my youngest sons first word was!! I know you think I'm kidding , but I*'m not. Depressed me for days. Did Walmart change him , feed him ( well ok they have the food and pampers but I have to administer them). Did Walmart sit up nights with him when he was sick? No they didn't? Guess who did? That's right! MAMA. But he didn't say mama first...oh no sir ree-he said Walmart. How depressing is that.

Ok say wal-mart is chock full of enticing items and various and sundry food stuffs. The first Wal-mart store was opened in 1962 so I am old enough to actually remember a world without walmart. And I made it fine ( would be a rich woman today) But think about it. None of my boys have ever lived in a world without wal-mart , not even my oldest son. Wal-mart to them is like breathing...always been there , don't think about it much.

Ok so here's another thing about wal-mart. Bad enough that I spend all my money (would have been rolling in dough) there , at least in the past , I got to pick out which needless stuff I carted home. But now , THEY have started putting things in my basket FOR me! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that since shes been around since before walmart was invented that shes probably senile and putting stuff in her basket and forgetting. That is n......I lost my train of thought there for a minute...oh yea! THAT IS NOT THE CASE! WHY in GOD'S NAME would I even THINK I needed shotgun shells or baby food (have no baby at the moment) or a gun.for that matter.....anyway , this is what I think happens. I think they PAY people to follow shoppers of a certain age (old women) around the store , and when they turn there backs they put stuff in there. It's the only logical explanation . Because , most people may not take the time to return it , they just pile it up with all the other useless sh....I mean various and sundry items. So its a huge sales boost to wal-mart. Probably how they got to be #1. I never know what I'll get home with. I pull things out of my bag and I'm like "WHAT THE HE## " well you get the picture. I tell you , it would be just like Christmas morning , if I wasn't paying for it....

And think about all the time I have wasted in wal-mart! They must have subliminal suggestion or something piped through the air , that not only makes you want to spend money but also hang out there! I can wander around walmart for 3 hours today and then do it again tomorrow. And here's the thing. It will all be different stuff tomorrow! They have little walmart elves that work all night moving stuff around , that's all they do , just shuffle stuff so that it looks like a different place every time you walk in. Which keeps you there for hours. And I know you've all heard stories of walmart employees not knowing where anythingis. I'll let you in on a little secret. THEY KNOW!!!! I believe its all a part of a conspiracy. If they don't tell you where the sh... stuff is that you WANT , then you are forced to wander aimlessly for hours, therefore giving the cart stuffers a chance to fill your cart with sh...I mean stuff you DON'T want. But you'll take it home with you anyway because even if you notice it before you leave , do you really want to go to customer service and stand in line for an hour , and THEN try to convince the people there , that you did not purchase so and so , EVEN THOUGH it is on YOUR receipt and in YOUR cart? Well gotta I am not going to wal-mart , smarty! My husband asked me to. He said we needed milk , but I told him I only had 60 dollars...........

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Whose panties are these anyway?

The other day I was cleaning out my dresser drawers when I came across several pairs of huge , ugly granny panties. I shut the drawer , took a step back and made sure that it was , indeed , my dresser I was going through. It was. Going deeper into the drawer I discovered some tiny black panties that I had worn 15 years ago. Then I found some pretty , flowery , slightly bigger panties. Still investigating , I came across some lacy boy cuts that I remembered buying about 5 years ago. They were bigger than the flowery ones , but still cute and slightly sexy.

I sat down on the bed and tried to figure out who the granny panties belonged to. I racked my brain trying to remember if I had kept any of my grandmothers panties. I mean , why would I? Surely there were better things to remember her by. Well , after much thought and brain racking , I decided that there just wasn't an explanation. I wasn't upset. As mother to 6 boys , I had come across stranger things.

I gathered up the panties , went into the living room and asked my husband , " Whose panties are these anyway?" " How the heck should I know?" he asked. "Where were they?" When I told him that they were in my drawer he had the audacity to suggest that they might be mine!

Then he goes on to tell me how , if I was insinuating that he was having an affair with a grandmother and then stowing her panties in my drawer , I was way off the mark. I knew it was far fetched , but that HAD to be it. I mean they just COULD NOT BE MY PANTIES! Then I saw a light bulb go off in his head. " HEY!" he shouted. " I just remembered. I was with you when you bought those! I remember because we had a hard time finding panties sized in the double digits.........." He must have seen my face because he suddenly remembered that he had to do something outside.

Well , what a letdown! I have granny panties in MY drawers. Things were NOT supposed to turn out like this! I mean , I have become used to the hair dye , the spanx , the fixodent. The offers in the mail for Hover rounds and burial insurance don't bother me like they used to. I can even deal with the liver spots. But I refuse to keep my grand mothers panties in my drawer. I am going back in there right now and making her her own damn drawer!

Friday, March 12, 2010


Came across this today and wanted to share! I tried to make it bigger but I couldn't. You can still read it though!

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Don't fall down......

Yesterday when I got home from work and picked up the mail, I had an offer from The Scooter Store and an offer to bury me for free. I decided to pass on the burial , but the idea of sliding around the house on my butt was pretty tempting. However , I kept having visions of getting hung up on the carpet and falling over , like Tim Conway used to do on that tricycle. Besides , I don't need no scooter. I still feel like I'm 16 , except when I'm awake.

Seriously, don't they think that these offers might depress us old people. I don't know about you , but I don't want to be buried until I'm stinking. Yesterday when I got that offer , I checked, and so far I still smell fine. I mean , I had just got home from work so I didn't smell like a bed of roses , but geez, I didn't need to be BURIED , for Pete's sake.

Which makes me think of something else: Every time I fall , I think about that commercial. You know the one. She falls and says, "I've fallen and I can't get up"! Luckily , every time I have fallen so far , I have still been able to get back up. When the time comes and I can't , and I have to utter those dreaded can't get up words , I am beating the $@it out of anyone that tries to film me while I'm laying there!

Well , I guess I'm done for now. I've gotten myself all worked up so I guess I better go in the kitchen and see if I can find some fibermucel or something to calm me down. Until next time, what ever you do don't fall down. Someone may come along and try to bury you!

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

This is a great blog. She does a lot of pretty things. If you follow the link and leave a comment , you might win some pretty paper!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

This is my son , Paul , and his family.Paul is the third from the oldest. Leave it to him to build an igloo when everyone else is building snowmen. And today is my grandsons birthday. Easy to remember cause its Groundhog Day!

My kids make my head hurt........

and my ears , and my legs and my back..............they make my hair gray and I'm pretty sure they are the ones that ruined my eyesight. All those nights of sitting up all night making a costume when you have nothing to make it out of except a needle , a paper sack , a maxi-pad , and 2 crayons. Because they didn't tell me they needed one until they were getting in the bed. Of course , they probably brought a note home , but they probably put it in the hamster cage so that " Cookie would have something to read".

My ears hurt because I hear HEAINTTHEBOSSAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4,000 times a day and my head hurts because they bicker allllllllllllll dayyyyyyyyyyyyy longggggggggggggggg.My hair turns gray because I worry so much , because my heart does not belong to me anymore. It belongs to them. My butt hurts because it only ever comes into contact with a chair for about 2 seconds at a time. And my poor old back , it bends to pick up shoes and toys and clothes constantly! It's overwhelming really! I'm not very organized so most of the time I don't know where anything is or what I'm supposed to do with it when I find it. *ell , half the time I don't even know what it is I'm looking for. So I live in a perpetual state of confusion , which if you ever meet me , will account for the stupid look on my face. But when I drag my tired butt to bed at night and lie down and feel all the little twinges and aches and pains , I know its because I did something that mattered that day. I spent another day with my boys. A day filled with ups and downs and fights and hugs and tears and laughter. And although I'm human and will not say that the whining and fighting did not get on my nerves , I can also say that since I am a mother what I will remember is :

Helping Jordan catch a frog

The smell of Canes hair in the sun

My 36 year old son calling just to tell me he loved me

Watching fireflys with the boys

Finding the birthday card my 25 year old gave me where he wrote " you are my rock mama "

..............The salt of our daily lives is generously peppered throughout the day with the little things that truly matter. So , although I may tell my boys that they make my head hurt , they will laugh and remember all the good things we sprinkled into our days.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Things that don't work around here

My left side mirror on my van doesn't work. It did until I let my little grand daughter practice driving. Out in the country with nothing around for miles but a cow fence. Yep, she hit it. Well she didn't so much hit it as just kind of drive down the side of it. Finally, I convinced her to get off of it but that's a whole nuther story. Anyway , so my left hand side mirror doesn't work. Did you know that you can't see vehicles coming up on the left side through the rearview mirror, or in the right hand mirror? You can only see things in the rear and on the right side with them. How ridiculous is that? I was gonna get it fixed until I learned that it would cost 200 dollars , then I decided to just deal with it, so I never go anywhere that I cant get to from the left lane. I discovered that if you stay in the left lane all the time , that it eliminates having to switch from the right lane to the left, thus avoiding the problem of not being able to see. I also discovered that I can go just about anywhere in our little city, in the left lane. True , sometimes I have to turn left when I don't really want to, but a couple of spins around the block usually gets me back on track.

My internet doesn't work . It did until the other night. I was sitting at the computer typing away, when all of a sudden my internet box started running across the desk. It scrambled all the way across the desk, down the side , across the floor, until it was stopped by the wall. It lay there for a minute and then tried to squeeze itself through the little hole in the wall from which the internet cable was coming out of. Well I just sat there for a minute contemplating. If you've ever been to my house, you would know that this is not very unusual, compared to some of the things that have happened here Anyway , I went to the door and cautiously looked outside in the direction of where the cable comes into the wall. I couldn't really see anything cause our outside light doesn't work . Just about that time I heard our dog, Scamp , growling at something in the yard. I went to get the flashlight, but it didn't work, so I went outside and tried to find the dog. Now this wasn't too hard ,since he's white and he was growling. He had something between his jaws , shaking it back and forth like bloody murder. I finally managed to get him off of it and peered down. I live in the country and anybody who lives in the country knows how dark it can be when your outside light doesn't work. After not seeing any movement from the thing lying on the ground I carefully picked it up and brought it up to my face until I could see that it was my internet cable. Apparently he had yanked it off the side of the house and ran out into the yard with it. When he ran out of cable and was jerked back, it must have made him mad, so he decided to kill it.

One of my drawers in the kitchen doesn't work. This may not seem important, but when you consider that I only had 4 to start with, to me that makes it pretty important. The whole front of the drawer just fell off one day. At first I propped it back up there cause it looked better you know? It has been broken for 5 years , but when the kids would come home for Christmas they would still try to open it and it would fall on their foot. So then I turned it around so that there was no handle to grab. They would pry their fingers in between the crack and STILL try to open it, so I took it off completely. It doesn't look very pretty leaning against the fridge , and the drawer is useless without it, but oh well .
My mop doesn't work anymore since I ran over it. Well that's not entirely true. It's much shorter than it was and bent to the right, but it still works if I crawl on the floor when I'm mopping, and only use my right hand. The icemaker in the fridge doesn't work, the freezer on the back porch doesn't work, and one of the commodes has gone on strike. I will soon not be working because I have figured out that I'm not making any money at it. My closet light does not work and my dryer only works 2 days a week, and then only if it isn't raining. One of the headlights on my van just stopped working, but that's ok. I'll just make sure that it's daytime whenever I go to wherever I can get to by using only the left lane.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

ANOTHER Kiki Art giveaway!

Can you believe they're doing a second Kiki Art giveaway? Go over to Sarahs blog and read all about it and leave a comment for a chance to win.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Want to win some pretty scrapbooking stuff from KiKi?

Sarah is giving away something pretty on her blog! Go take a look!

Friday, January 22, 2010

Mammy's Mammogram

So the other day I went to get a mammogram. I was nervous as all get out and I KNEW it was gonna be painful. I mean , the way I had it figured was that if your boobys are squeezed every now and then , they get desensitized and it won't hurt as much. Well mine had not been squeezed in so long , I knew it was gonna hurt reallyreallyreally bad.

So after it's over I'm sitting there feeling abused and stretched and sore when the girl comes back in and tells me I can put my shirt back on. So shes behind me where I can't see her and she says,"By the way , your breasts look really good". I just about choked on my own spit! Nobody had said that to me in 30 years! Well I didn't know what to say but naturally I started talking anyway. I was a little embarrassed so I suppose I might have rambled , but it went something like this: "Why thank you! I don't really work out anymore (never have ) and I've had 7 children , but I don't guess they look too bad , considering. I do try to take care of them".

I have no idea why I said that. I mean it's not like you can put them on the treadmill and let them run, you know. Anyway , you could have heard a pin drop. During this PREGNANT pause , I started thinking.(usually a mistake)............I know shes not gay and even if she is , she isn't making a pass at you so don't get scared. I mean ( I was thinking) why would she? You're fif----well you're OLDER and shes like 12 or something. Shes just being nice. Women notice other women's bodies. Its ok for a woman to give another woman a compliment. Anyway , while I was doing all this thinking , it occurred to me that I should return the compliment , so I opened my mouth and said ,'' Yours don't look bad either". I swear I did.
By this time I had my shirt on and buttoned so I finally had to turn around (against my will) and she was just standing there staring at me. Then she said ,without cracking a smile ," I meant your mammogram". What could I say ? I mean , really what would you have said? Well you know me. I felt like I had to say something , so I said , "Well yours still look pretty good".

I tell you what. I am NEVER going back there again. And WHEREVER I go for the next one , I'm taping my mouth shut.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

If I could save time in a bottle..............

Maybe I'd finally know what time it is. Sure , I've got clocks and watches and vcr's and even a clock on the stove. But they all have a different time on them. So if I want to know what time it is, I have to go outside and look up at the sun , then go back inside and try to decide which clock most closely resembles the position of the sun in the sky. Or something like that. If it's summertime and the sun is still high in the sky....and I'm not starving, but only slightly hungry , I can guess that it's around 7 pm.I tell you , we love the nightly news around here because then we know for sure its 10 o'clock.Or at least we did until a few weeks ago when we heard somebody on TV say,"News at 9-an earlier time , so you can get to bed earlier".That messed us up pretty bad. Now we're never sure if we're watching news at 9 or news at 10 ,which means that we can't even tell if it's time to go to bed or not.

Now all this confusion is not because we're too lazy to set the clocks. It's just that we don't know how.Especially the one on the vcr and oven.We've never recorded anything or timed anything.The other day my daughter-in-law was here and we were cooking pizza's for the kids and I kept going in and checking on them.Finally she asked me why I didn't just set the oven timer. I looked at her like she had two heads. Speaking of kid's , when the big boys come home for Christmas I usually get them to set all the clocks and gadgets for us. It doesn't last long though , cause we have a lot of power surges around here and soon everything is blinking again. At night time it looks like the Vegas strip around here with all the blinking and flashing going on.

You may wonder how my husband manages to get up for work.Well, he always wakes up at 5 am, no matter what the clock says.This includes the days he doesn't have to go to work. So if I happen to be awake at 5 am and ask him what time it is , he can tell me. Otherwise , he's useless as a timepiece.

I've heard that everyone has an internal clock, but take my word for it when I tell you that mine is not reliable.The other day I woke up at 8 ( I thought) and jumped out of bed . Well , at my age , it was more like a stagger , than a jump , but you get the point. Anyway , the kids had a dentist appointment , so I threw a piece of toast at them and we headed out. The appointment was at 9 and my internal clock told me it was around 9ish as we pulled into the parking lot. We went in and I told the receptionist we were there, then went and sat down. I saw her whisper something to her co-worker but I thought it was cause I had on two different shoes. After about 10 minutes she approached me and timidly informed me that our appointment was at 9. I agreed with her. Then she told me that it was now 11:15. THEN she told me that the appointment was at 9 yesterday.........see what I mean about my internal clock? Not only is it A WHOLE DAY LATE but it can't even get me up at a decent hour. As I was slinking out my cell phone buzzed to let me know I had a new message. It was the dentist office calling to remind me of my appointment.............

Well I guess that's all for tonight. I'm feeling kind of tired so it must be time for bed..........(I think).

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Another Hamster Story

"Mama , we want a hamster," the boys whined.

"You can't have a hamster. You won't take care of it. It'll end up being my responsibility," I answered.

"We WILL take care of it, " they insisted. "We promise."

So I gave in. I warned them if they failed to keep their promise the hamster would have to go.

Against my better judgement , I got them a hamster. EVEN THOUGH I KNEW BETTER. I vowed that it would not be like LAST TIME. Some of you may remember LAST TIME. Anyway , they named him Danny. Three months later when I found myself cleaning the cage and feeding him , with no help from the boys , I decided I should look for him a new home.

When I told the boys that Danny would be leaving, I thought they took the news very well , which surprised me. One of the boys said , "He's been around a long time. We'll miss him."

I agreed with him , but I added , "Yes I know you'll miss him a little , but he's too much work for one person. Since I'm that one person , I say he's got to go."

The other boy said, "Well maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and be so messy we could keep him."

But I had had enough. I had been DOWN THAT ROAD BEFORE. If you have kids , you know which road I'm talking about.

"It's time to take Danny to his new home now, " I insisted. "Go and get his cage."

At the mention of the cage the boys eyes flew open in surprise and they started crying and screaming, "DANNY? NOT DANNY! WE THOUGHT YOU SAID DADDY!"