Tales from the Funny Farm

Blue Toenails

2010-10-09T09:14:00.005-05:00

The other morning when I woke up I felt really good. I mean really, really good. Which kind of worried me cause you know what they say about people just before they die...they say that they said that they felt better than they had in years. But anyway , I felt so good. I was raring to go. I had a thousand things to do and I was going to get them all done that day. I could hardly wait to get started. Then I got out of bed. Yea.....ok. Maybe I can do most of them tomorrow , you know?

Which brings me to the point I'm trying to make. People think I'm eccentric. Maybe cause I wear blue polish on my toes , but just on 8 of them. By the time I get to those last two I'm just too tired to care. Plus I don't think I can reach those two. Seriously , its always the same two . Well except for the time I only painted my two big toes. I was really not feeling good that summer plus I needed new glasses so I think those were the only two I could see. Do you know how long it takes for bright blue polish to grow off your toenails? It takes a long , long time. Yea I know they make polish remover , but in the time it would have taken to take it off , I could have painted 2 more. Which was my intention all along. I'm old. I'm tired. But I was going to paint about 2 a day until I got them all done , but after summer was over ,it just didn't seem worth the effort. So I'm not eccentric , I'm just tired!

Now that I think about it , it might not be the 8 blue toenails that make people think I'm eccentric. At least that's what I tell myself they think , except that one woman that called me just plain old crazy........but that's a whole nuther story. But I'm getting side swiped.... I mean tracked ...yea that's it...side TRACKED. Ok so it might possibly be my pink hair that makes people think I'm cr...eccentric. The pink hair was not planned..it just happened to be the first one I saw when I went to the store. They had a display of them up front. True , it was Halloween , but the others were wayyyyyyyyy back in the back of the store , so I weighed my options. Pink hair or walking to the back...pink hair or walking to the back. Well , I chose pink hair. I mean after all , it will probably wear off around the same time the blue polish does .....

I also have hot pink glasses and wear flowers in my hair.And although I'm really very shy I just don't want to be known as ordinary. I mean whats the thrill in that. When I'm gone do I want people to say ..." Oh yea-I remember her ..that ordinary old lady!" or do I want them to say , " Oh yea-I remember her....that cr...I mean eccentric old lady?" So tell me , which would you choose?

Wal-Mart

2010-10-07T10:35:00.016-05:00

I would have been a millionaire if it wasn't for Walmart. Seriously. If you take all the money I have spent at Walmart and added it up I would have been a millionaire. (I keep saying it because I can't believe it but its true) Just the other day I spent 100.00 dollars for a loaf of bread. I did! Forget all the other crap that I hauled home in bags and bags .... I didn't need any of it so that loaf of bread cost me a hundred bucks! Pitiful.

There is something worse though. Guess what my youngest sons first word was!! I know you think I'm kidding , but I*'m not. Depressed me for days. Did Walmart change him , feed him ( well ok they have the food and pampers but I have to administer them). Did Walmart sit up nights with him when he was sick? No they didn't? Guess who did? That's right! MAMA. But he didn't say mama first...oh no sir ree-he said Walmart. How depressing is that.

Ok say wal-mart is chock full of enticing items and various and sundry food stuffs. The first Wal-mart store was opened in 1962 so I am old enough to actually remember a world without walmart. And I made it fine ( would be a rich woman today) But think about it. None of my boys have ever lived in a world without wal-mart , not even my oldest son. Wal-mart to them is like breathing...always been there , don't think about it much.

Ok so here's another thing about wal-mart. Bad enough that I spend all my money (would have been rolling in dough) there , at least in the past , I got to pick out which needless stuff I carted home. But now , THEY have started putting things in my basket FOR me! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that since shes been around since before walmart was invented that shes probably senile and putting stuff in her basket and forgetting. That is n......I lost my train of thought there for a minute...oh yea! THAT IS NOT THE CASE! WHY in GOD'S NAME would I even THINK I needed shotgun shells or baby food (have no baby at the moment) or a gun.for that matter.....anyway , this is what I think happens. I think they PAY people to follow shoppers of a certain age (old women) around the store , and when they turn there backs they put stuff in there. It's the only logical explanation . Because , most people may not take the time to return it , they just pile it up with all the other useless sh....I mean various and sundry items. So its a huge sales boost to wal-mart. Probably how they got to be #1. I never know what I'll get home with. I pull things out of my bag and I'm like "WHAT THE HE## " well you get the picture. I tell you , it would be just like Christmas morning , if I wasn't paying for it....

And think about all the time I have wasted in wal-mart! They must have subliminal suggestion or something piped through the air , that not only makes you want to spend money but also hang out there! I can wander around walmart for 3 hours today and then do it again tomorrow. And here's the thing. It will all be different stuff tomorrow! They have little walmart elves that work all night moving stuff around , that's all they do , just shuffle stuff so that it looks like a different place every time you walk in. Which keeps you there for hours. And I know you've all heard stories of walmart employees not knowing where anythingis. I'll let you in on a little secret. THEY KNOW!!!! I believe its all a part of a conspiracy. If they don't tell you where the sh... stuff is that you WANT , then you are forced to wander aimlessly for hours, therefore giving the cart stuffers a chance to fill your cart with sh...I mean stuff you DON'T want. But you'll take it home with you anyway because even if you notice it before you leave , do you really want to go to customer service and stand in line for an hour , and THEN try to convince the people there , that you did not purchase so and so , EVEN THOUGH it is on YOUR receipt and in YOUR cart? Well gotta run....no I am not going to wal-mart , smarty! My husband asked me to. He said we needed milk , but I told him I only had 60 dollars...........

Whose panties are these anyway?

2010-07-17T02:11:00.005-05:00

The other day I was cleaning out my dresser drawers when I came across several pairs of huge , ugly granny panties. I shut the drawer , took a step back and made sure that it was , indeed , my dresser I was going through. It was. Going deeper into the drawer I discovered some tiny black panties that I had worn 15 years ago. Then I found some pretty , flowery , slightly bigger panties. Still investigating , I came across some lacy boy cuts that I remembered buying about 5 years ago. They were bigger than the flowery ones , but still cute and slightly sexy.

I sat down on the bed and tried to figure out who the granny panties belonged to. I racked my brain trying to remember if I had kept any of my grandmothers panties. I mean , why would I? Surely there were better things to remember her by. Well , after much thought and brain racking , I decided that there just wasn't an explanation. I wasn't upset. As mother to 6 boys , I had come across stranger things.

I gathered up the panties , went into the living room and asked my husband , " Whose panties are these anyway?" " How the heck should I know?" he asked. "Where were they?" When I told him that they were in my drawer he had the audacity to suggest that they might be mine!

Then he goes on to tell me how , if I was insinuating that he was having an affair with a grandmother and then stowing her panties in my drawer , I was way off the mark. I knew it was far fetched , but that HAD to be it. I mean they just COULD NOT BE MY PANTIES! Then I saw a light bulb go off in his head. " HEY!" he shouted. " I just remembered. I was with you when you bought those! I remember because we had a hard time finding panties sized in the double digits.........." He must have seen my face because he suddenly remembered that he had to do something outside.

Well , what a letdown! I have granny panties in MY drawers. Things were NOT supposed to turn out like this! I mean , I have become used to the hair dye , the spanx , the fixodent. The offers in the mail for Hover rounds and burial insurance don't bother me like they used to. I can even deal with the liver spots. But I refuse to keep my grand mothers panties in my drawer. I am going back in there right now and making her her own damn drawer!

Homework

2010-03-12T21:27:00.002-06:00

Came across this today and wanted to share! I tried to make it bigger but I couldn't. You can still read it though!

Don't fall down......

2010-03-06T07:00:00.005-06:00

Yesterday when I got home from work and picked up the mail, I had an offer from The Scooter Store and an offer to bury me for free. I decided to pass on the burial , but the idea of sliding around the house on my butt was pretty tempting. However , I kept having visions of getting hung up on the carpet and falling over , like Tim Conway used to do on that tricycle. Besides , I don't need no scooter. I still feel like I'm 16 , except when I'm awake.

Seriously, don't they think that these offers might depress us old people. I don't know about you , but I don't want to be buried until I'm stinking. Yesterday when I got that offer , I checked, and so far I still smell fine. I mean , I had just got home from work so I didn't smell like a bed of roses , but geez, I didn't need to be BURIED , for Pete's sake.

Which makes me think of something else: Every time I fall , I think about that commercial. You know the one. She falls and says, "I've fallen and I can't get up"! Luckily , every time I have fallen so far , I have still been able to get back up. When the time comes and I can't , and I have to utter those dreaded can't get up words , I am beating the $@it out of anyone that tries to film me while I'm laying there!

Well , I guess I'm done for now. I've gotten myself all worked up so I guess I better go in the kitchen and see if I can find some fibermucel or something to calm me down. Until next time, what ever you do don't fall down. Someone may come along and try to bury you!

2010-03-02T08:21:00.000-06:00

http://www.obsessedwithscrapbooking.com/

This is a great blog. She does a lot of pretty things. If you follow the link and leave a comment , you might win some pretty paper!

2010-02-02T22:39:00.003-06:00

This is my son , Paul , and his family.Paul is the third from the oldest. Leave it to him to build an igloo when everyone else is building snowmen. And today is my grandsons birthday. Easy to remember cause its Groundhog Day!

My kids make my head hurt........

2010-02-02T09:07:00.003-06:00

and my ears , and my legs and my back..............they make my hair gray and I'm pretty sure they are the ones that ruined my eyesight. All those nights of sitting up all night making a costume when you have nothing to make it out of except a needle , a paper sack , a maxi-pad , and 2 crayons. Because they didn't tell me they needed one until they were getting in the bed. Of course , they probably brought a note home , but they probably put it in the hamster cage so that " Cookie would have something to read".

My ears hurt because I hear HEAINTTHEBOSSAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 4,000 times a day and my head hurts because they bicker allllllllllllll dayyyyyyyyyyyyy longggggggggggggggg.My hair turns gray because I worry so much , because my heart does not belong to me anymore. It belongs to them. My butt hurts because it only ever comes into contact with a chair for about 2 seconds at a time. And my poor old back , it bends to pick up shoes and toys and clothes constantly! It's overwhelming really! I'm not very organized so most of the time I don't know where anything is or what I'm supposed to do with it when I find it. *ell , half the time I don't even know what it is I'm looking for. So I live in a perpetual state of confusion , which if you ever meet me , will account for the stupid look on my face. But when I drag my tired butt to bed at night and lie down and feel all the little twinges and aches and pains , I know its because I did something that mattered that day. I spent another day with my boys. A day filled with ups and downs and fights and hugs and tears and laughter. And although I'm human and will not say that the whining and fighting did not get on my nerves , I can also say that since I am a mother what I will remember is :

Helping Jordan catch a frog

The smell of Canes hair in the sun

My 36 year old son calling just to tell me he loved me

Watching fireflys with the boys

Finding the birthday card my 25 year old gave me where he wrote " you are my rock mama "

..............The salt of our daily lives is generously peppered throughout the day with the little things that truly matter. So , although I may tell my boys that they make my head hurt , they will laugh and remember all the good things we sprinkled into our days.

Things that don't work around here

2010-01-31T22:52:00.003-06:00

My left side mirror on my van doesn't work. It did until I let my little grand daughter practice driving. Out in the country with nothing around for miles but a cow fence. Yep, she hit it. Well she didn't so much hit it as just kind of drive down the side of it. Finally, I convinced her to get off of it but that's a whole nuther story. Anyway , so my left hand side mirror doesn't work. Did you know that you can't see vehicles coming up on the left side through the rearview mirror, or in the right hand mirror? You can only see things in the rear and on the right side with them. How ridiculous is that? I was gonna get it fixed until I learned that it would cost 200 dollars , then I decided to just deal with it, so I never go anywhere that I cant get to from the left lane. I discovered that if you stay in the left lane all the time , that it eliminates having to switch from the right lane to the left, thus avoiding the problem of not being able to see. I also discovered that I can go just about anywhere in our little city, in the left lane. True , sometimes I have to turn left when I don't really want to, but a couple of spins around the block usually gets me back on track.

My internet doesn't work . It did until the other night. I was sitting at the computer typing away, when all of a sudden my internet box started running across the desk. It scrambled all the way across the desk, down the side , across the floor, until it was stopped by the wall. It lay there for a minute and then tried to squeeze itself through the little hole in the wall from which the internet cable was coming out of. Well I just sat there for a minute contemplating. If you've ever been to my house, you would know that this is not very unusual, compared to some of the things that have happened here Anyway , I went to the door and cautiously looked outside in the direction of where the cable comes into the wall. I couldn't really see anything cause our outside light doesn't work . Just about that time I heard our dog, Scamp , growling at something in the yard. I went to get the flashlight, but it didn't work, so I went outside and tried to find the dog. Now this wasn't too hard ,since he's white and he was growling. He had something between his jaws , shaking it back and forth like bloody murder. I finally managed to get him off of it and peered down. I live in the country and anybody who lives in the country knows how dark it can be when your outside light doesn't work. After not seeing any movement from the thing lying on the ground I carefully picked it up and brought it up to my face until I could see that it was my internet cable. Apparently he had yanked it off the side of the house and ran out into the yard with it. When he ran out of cable and was jerked back, it must have made him mad, so he decided to kill it.

One of my drawers in the kitchen doesn't work. This may not seem important, but when you consider that I only had 4 to start with, to me that makes it pretty important. The whole front of the drawer just fell off one day. At first I propped it back up there cause it looked better you know? It has been broken for 5 years , but when the kids would come home for Christmas they would still try to open it and it would fall on their foot. So then I turned it around so that there was no handle to grab. They would pry their fingers in between the crack and STILL try to open it, so I took it off completely. It doesn't look very pretty leaning against the fridge , and the drawer is useless without it, but oh well .

My mop doesn't work anymore since I ran over it. Well that's not entirely true. It's much shorter than it was and bent to the right, but it still works if I crawl on the floor when I'm mopping, and only use my right hand. The icemaker in the fridge doesn't work, the freezer on the back porch doesn't work, and one of the commodes has gone on strike. I will soon not be working because I have figured out that I'm not making any money at it. My closet light does not work and my dryer only works 2 days a week, and then only if it isn't raining. One of the headlights on my van just stopped working, but that's ok. I'll just make sure that it's daytime whenever I go to wherever I can get to by using only the left lane.

ANOTHER Kiki Art giveaway!

2010-01-27T22:55:00.001-06:00

Can you believe they're doing a second Kiki Art giveaway? Go over to Sarahs blog and read all about it and leave a comment for a chance to win.http://redoaklines.com/

Want to win some pretty scrapbooking stuff from KiKi?

2010-01-26T15:10:00.002-06:00

Sarah is giving away something pretty on her blog! Go take a look!http://redoaklines.com/2010/01/26/kiki-art-giveaway/

Mammy's Mammogram

2010-01-22T00:16:00.004-06:00

So the other day I went to get a mammogram. I was nervous as all get out and I KNEW it was gonna be painful. I mean , the way I had it figured was that if your boobys are squeezed every now and then , they get desensitized and it won't hurt as much. Well mine had not been squeezed in so long , I knew it was gonna hurt reallyreallyreally bad.

So after it's over I'm sitting there feeling abused and stretched and sore when the girl comes back in and tells me I can put my shirt back on. So shes behind me where I can't see her and she says,"By the way , your breasts look really good". I just about choked on my own spit! Nobody had said that to me in 30 years! Well I didn't know what to say but naturally I started talking anyway. I was a little embarrassed so I suppose I might have rambled , but it went something like this: "Why thank you! I don't really work out anymore (never have ) and I've had 7 children , but I don't guess they look too bad , considering. I do try to take care of them".

I have no idea why I said that. I mean it's not like you can put them on the treadmill and let them run, you know. Anyway , you could have heard a pin drop. During this PREGNANT pause , I started thinking.(usually a mistake)............I know shes not gay and even if she is , she isn't making a pass at you so don't get scared. I mean ( I was thinking) why would she? You're fif----well you're OLDER and shes like 12 or something. Shes just being nice. Women notice other women's bodies. Its ok for a woman to give another woman a compliment. Anyway , while I was doing all this thinking , it occurred to me that I should return the compliment , so I opened my mouth and said ,'' Yours don't look bad either". I swear I did.

By this time I had my shirt on and buttoned so I finally had to turn around (against my will) and she was just standing there staring at me. Then she said ,without cracking a smile ," I meant your mammogram". What could I say ? I mean , really what would you have said? Well you know me. I felt like I had to say something , so I said , "Well yours still look pretty good".

I tell you what. I am NEVER going back there again. And WHEREVER I go for the next one , I'm taping my mouth shut.

If I could save time in a bottle..............

2010-01-19T00:12:00.004-06:00

Maybe I'd finally know what time it is. Sure , I've got clocks and watches and vcr's and even a clock on the stove. But they all have a different time on them. So if I want to know what time it is, I have to go outside and look up at the sun , then go back inside and try to decide which clock most closely resembles the position of the sun in the sky. Or something like that. If it's summertime and the sun is still high in the sky....and I'm not starving, but only slightly hungry , I can guess that it's around 7 pm.I tell you , we love the nightly news around here because then we know for sure its 10 o'clock.Or at least we did until a few weeks ago when we heard somebody on TV say,"News at 9-an earlier time , so you can get to bed earlier".That messed us up pretty bad. Now we're never sure if we're watching news at 9 or news at 10 ,which means that we can't even tell if it's time to go to bed or not.

Now all this confusion is not because we're too lazy to set the clocks. It's just that we don't know how.Especially the one on the vcr and oven.We've never recorded anything or timed anything.The other day my daughter-in-law was here and we were cooking pizza's for the kids and I kept going in and checking on them.Finally she asked me why I didn't just set the oven timer. I looked at her like she had two heads. Speaking of kid's , when the big boys come home for Christmas I usually get them to set all the clocks and gadgets for us. It doesn't last long though , cause we have a lot of power surges around here and soon everything is blinking again. At night time it looks like the Vegas strip around here with all the blinking and flashing going on.

You may wonder how my husband manages to get up for work.Well, he always wakes up at 5 am, no matter what the clock says.This includes the days he doesn't have to go to work. So if I happen to be awake at 5 am and ask him what time it is , he can tell me. Otherwise , he's useless as a timepiece.

I've heard that everyone has an internal clock, but take my word for it when I tell you that mine is not reliable.The other day I woke up at 8 ( I thought) and jumped out of bed . Well , at my age , it was more like a stagger , than a jump , but you get the point. Anyway , the kids had a dentist appointment , so I threw a piece of toast at them and we headed out. The appointment was at 9 and my internal clock told me it was around 9ish as we pulled into the parking lot. We went in and I told the receptionist we were there, then went and sat down. I saw her whisper something to her co-worker but I thought it was cause I had on two different shoes. After about 10 minutes she approached me and timidly informed me that our appointment was at 9. I agreed with her. Then she told me that it was now 11:15. THEN she told me that the appointment was at 9 yesterday.........see what I mean about my internal clock? Not only is it A WHOLE DAY LATE but it can't even get me up at a decent hour. As I was slinking out my cell phone buzzed to let me know I had a new message. It was the dentist office calling to remind me of my appointment.............

Well I guess that's all for tonight. I'm feeling kind of tired so it must be time for bed..........(I think).

Another Hamster Story

2010-01-12T21:13:00.006-06:00

"Mama , we want a hamster," the boys whined.

"You can't have a hamster. You won't take care of it. It'll end up being my responsibility," I answered.

"We WILL take care of it, " they insisted. "We promise."

So I gave in. I warned them if they failed to keep their promise the hamster would have to go.

Against my better judgement , I got them a hamster. EVEN THOUGH I KNEW BETTER. I vowed that it would not be like LAST TIME. Some of you may remember LAST TIME. Anyway , they named him Danny. Three months later when I found myself cleaning the cage and feeding him , with no help from the boys , I decided I should look for him a new home.

When I told the boys that Danny would be leaving, I thought they took the news very well , which surprised me. One of the boys said , "He's been around a long time. We'll miss him."

I agreed with him , but I added , "Yes I know you'll miss him a little , but he's too much work for one person. Since I'm that one person , I say he's got to go."

The other boy said, "Well maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and be so messy we could keep him."

But I had had enough. I had been DOWN THAT ROAD BEFORE. If you have kids , you know which road I'm talking about.

"It's time to take Danny to his new home now, " I insisted. "Go and get his cage."

At the mention of the cage the boys eyes flew open in surprise and they started crying and screaming, "DANNY? NOT DANNY! WE THOUGHT YOU SAID DADDY!"

We have a winner!

2009-05-26T05:52:00.002-05:00

The winner for the $25.00 gift certificate for ecostore has been randomly picked.........and the winner is.........................Dorlene! Dorlene , I can't find your e-mail address. You can email it to me at ava_collett@hotmail.com. I need it for the company to be able to send you the certificate.It will not be used for any other purpose. Thanks to everyone who entered.

Contest for ecostore products.......

2009-05-24T22:32:00.003-05:00

So I've been trying out this new shampoo for my family and even my dog! It's good for the environment so I figured it had to be better for us too , right? It's from http://www.ecostoreusa.com/ . We tried the Rosemary and Orange shampoo and conditioner. It doesn't lather as much as your usual stuff , but that's because it doesn't have all that nasty artificial stuff in it! And it made our hair feel really clean and soft. And it only takes a tiny bit , so it's a great value for your money.

The dog shampoo was the Herbal Fresh All Natural Shampoo. Our little wiener dog has sensitive skin and would scratch all the time. I didn't realize it was his shampoo until I used this. It doesn't irritate his skin so he doesn't scratch like he did before. I don't have a Meijer store near me , but you can find the products there , or on the website.

Anyway , if you'll visit the website and post a quick comment here , somebody will win a $25.00 gift certificate , then you can see for yourself how great this stuff is! You have until Tuesday morning , so start posting. Thanks!

Mama said there'd be days like this.....

2009-05-24T21:37:00.003-05:00

The other day I woke up with a bad headache . I should have just quit my job and went back to bed. But I drug my old tired butt out of the bed (first mistake ) and stumbled to the bathroom and looked in the mirror ( second mistake ). It gets worse every day. I think I was 10 years older than when I went to bed the night before. I had dreamed all night of being chased by robbers. That takes a lot of energy , not to mention the fear of what they would do to me when they caught me and found out I was broke. Anyway , while I was trying to brush my hair , I discovered a bony ridge on my skull. This ridge was right in the middle if my skull , starting at the hairline. It went about 3 inches back , ending exactly where my sunglasses sit. On either side of the ridge were two little trenches. They were pretty deep. Well , great , I thought. During the night some horrible abnormality had formed on my head , and now I had to deal with that , along with all the other crap I was sure I would face that day.
Well ,had to go to work no matter what obscenity was growing out of my head. As I pushed my sunglasses back I noticed that the nose pieces fit PERFECTLY in each little trench. I never wear them on my eyes , just to hold my hair back. I'd been doing it for years , so I decided I would go without them a few days to see if that was causing the problem. Sure enough , the trenches begin to disappear so that the ridge could no longer be felt. Who would have ever thought you could wear TRENCHES in your head with your glasses?

But I'm getting ahead of myself. I wanted to tell you about my DAY. I went on to work and had the usual . You know the kind. I had to pay the bills that day , so when I got home that afternoon , I was as broke as I was when I started. Only difference was my feet were swollen and my back hurt. When I stopped at the mailbox I noticed a letter from the social security. For a moment I felt a flicker of hope. Maybe they had made a mistake on withholding or something? Maybe we were gonna actually have some money left over out of my husbands check each week? I eagerly tore the letter open and this is what it said: "GOOD NEWS! You qualify for a free funeral"! Now who in the *ell do they think that is good news for? Not for me. Maybe for my relatives. Why didn't they send THEM the frigging letter. What a day!

Well , as they say , there's a silver lining in every cloud , so I guess the fact that I have lived long enough to qualify for a free funeral is good news. Hey , I take it where I can get it , you know what I mean? And I'm an optimist at heart , so as I lay my weary head upon my pillow , I knew tomorrow would be a better day! I just wish there was some way to tell those robbers that I 'm broke before they start chasing me again tonight........

My sister

2009-05-19T05:34:00.002-05:00

Its been hard to write lately. My sister was diagnosed with colon cancer in Feb. She is undergoing very intense chemo right now , and its been kinda hard to think funny thoughts. I've always been really close to her. She is 11 years older than me and she really took care of me alot , instead of my mama. I don't know if I would have ever been taken to a park , or read to or taken swimming , if not for my sister. Shes the one I went to when the growing up girl things started happening. I don't blame my mama at all. I loved her dearly , but she was just raised differently and it was a different time back then. I guess a time when people believed that kids should be seen and not heard.

I pray that my sister will be alright. She is such a special person. She's the kind of person that when the house is full , you can always find people flocked around her. Anyway , I'll get back on track soon. Have a great day , and think of my sis in your prayers.

Just another day in paradise............

2009-05-03T21:57:00.003-05:00

Well gosh , it rained Friday night , all day Saturday and most of today. Saturday morning Cane got out of bed ( my bed ) at 8 am and at 8:15 he said , " I'm bored." So can you tell how my weekend went? By last night we were separating all the pens and pencils in the house , making sure they would write , and then putting them in their own little drawer. Tonight we're planning on mating all the socks. That ought to keep us busy until bedtime , as I haven't mated them since 1999.

I guess since we've been stuck inside with 2 boys all weekend , my husband had nothing else to do , so he started thinking. That by itself , is always dangerous , and produces crazy results. This morning , after he had been thinking awhile , he came into the kitchen where I was ( I've been there for 50 years , so he always knows where to find me ) and said , " Happy Mothers Day ". He was grinning from ear to ear , like he deserved a medal or something , for remembering. Being foolish , I blurted out that it wasn't mothers day until next Sunday. So then he asked me what I wanted for mothers day. In past years my wants were along these lines................

A day at the spa
a new printer
a new purse
a mani/pedi
a gift certificate to Hobby Lobby

you get the picture. Anyway ,he always insisted I tell him exactly what I wanted , how much it was and where he could find it. No surprises there , you're thinking. WRONG. I got a box of NASTY tasting candy , and a stuffed teddy bear. Well , I guess I still get surprised because the color of the teddy bear varies from year to year. So when he asked me this year I said " some chocolates and a teddy bear". Wonder what he'll get me??????????

Sleeping With The Enemy

2009-04-26T06:38:00.004-05:00

Although the cans in my pantry are far from neat , last night I was sleeping with the enemy. And though I don't usually call my family ' the enemy ' ......last night was a nightmare. Picture it : Doug , me , Jordan ,Cane and The Wiener Dog.......all in a bed built for two. Well , you can't really count me , cause I don't think the inch I occupied counts. I'm telling you , it was almost worse than the night The Hermit Crab got in the bed with us. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words , so I'll just show you what we looked like. Notice that even though The Wiener Dog has one , I don't even get a pillow.

Honor Roll

2009-04-23T11:08:00.007-05:00

So today they are having an awards ceremony at the school for the honor roll kids. My two boys both got honor roll this time. I do not see how that happened. One of them drags an empty backpack ( containing only a bubble gum wrapper and half of a plastic Easter egg ) back and forth to school every day. There is never anything else in it. Ever. I have even got out of bed in the middle of the night to go look and it was still empty. The other day he called me from school and asked me to bring his backpack cause he had forgotten it. So I drove to the school and handed the principal his backpack and she said , " It feels empty." to which I replied , "It is." She just shrugged and said she'd see that he got it. I have no idea why he needed it so desperately. I don't know.......maybe to bring the other half of the Easter egg home in? Who knows?

Anyway , the other boy has plenty of stuff in His backpack , I'll tell you that much! He has hundreds of papers , and candy wrappers , and toys , and empty glue bottles. And trying to read his papers are like trying to break a secret code. He crumbles them up in a ball so when we uncrumble them they look like maps. and they have been so tightly wadded up that we have to sit a plant or something on the edge to hold the paper down. Then we have to get a magnifying glass to try to read whats on the paper because it is criss crossed with so many lines from being wadded.....well anyway , you get the picture.

So I 'm just saying , I DO NOT SEE HOW THEY GOT HONOR ROLL. but if the school says they did , then it must be so. So the parents will meet in the cafeteria today and see the awards handed out. I of course , am very proud of the boys and will clap and beam accordingly. But I can't help but wonder why we parents never get awards .

Now I know I'm their mother and I'm supposed to do things for them , without expecting anything in return. Take for example , just getting them out of bed in the mornings to get them to school in the first place. I don't mind walking into their room and gently waking them up. I mean I would'nt mind , if that was the way it ever happened. HA! I walk into their room , and step on the skateboard , which sends me flying across the room , knocking over the crab habitat as I go by.Finally , I skate into the bed , where I'm flung down in a heap , onto THE WIENER DOG , who of course tries to attack me. So by then I'm not in a gentle mood , so I scream "GETOUTTATHEBEDANDPUTTHATDOGOUTSIDE!!!

Anyway, so imagine this scene 5 more times before they finally get up. Only I know now to watch out for the skateboard , but you can substitute roller skate, heely, hermit crab, cat, tack..whatever. The item doesn't matter, just know that there is always something dangerous waiting for me in there. So I finally get them out of bed , and they have 10 minutes to washeatdressgrabemptybackpackgetincardrivetoschooljumpoutandgetinclassbeforebellrings....but they make it. On time. I'm Wonder woman , I tell you.

Getting them into the bed at night , and to stay there,is just as hard as getting them up. It's like a 2 or 3 hour long process. Then around midnight , when you think they are asleep , one of them comes out to tell you that he left his shoes (the only pair he'll wear ) down in the creek. So you get the flashlight and go down to the creek to fish them out , THEN you have to wash and dry them. And you can't go to sleep until they're dry because you know , of the BUMP BUMP BUMP. THEN when you drag yourself out of the bed in the morning , he tells you that he's decided to wear a DIFFERENT PAIR OF SHOES!

And you know , when those boys see their teachers , they say , "Good morning , Mrs. so and so , how are you?" When they see me they say , "Did you get me anything?" Now don't you think that not slapping them deserves an award?

Finally....I'm back.....

2009-04-21T11:26:00.001-05:00

and I'm so happy. I'll be posting stories tonight if anyone is still with me!

Hey I really miss ya'll...........

2008-12-02T09:48:00.002-06:00

but I haven't had internet for awhile. I'm writing this from a friends house , if I still have any readers....just to let ya'll know I'm ok. I was afraid that some of you might think that my husband killed me over the snake.........anyway, hope to have my internet back on soon. Have a great christmas and see you soon.

Aging Gracefully

2008-08-25T05:39:00.012-05:00

There are certain problems you run into when you have children at my age. Like remembering where you left them each morning when you drop them off at school. The teachers get really angry if you don't come back and pick them up. I guess they think you're out having fun , while they take care of your kids for you. In reality , you're driving around town trying to remember where you left them. If it's a really bad day , you're at home happily puttering away , having forgotten entirely that you even have school aged children.

Seriously though , the other day I read that experts say that women lose 10% of their brain cells when they're pregnant. I have 6 boys. If this is true , then I'm in deep *hit.

Something else I read: I read that your nose and ears never stop growing. That explains why my grandpa had such huge ears. And my grandma. I guess I inherited it from both sides and it seems that at the rate I'm going , by the time I get to be 70 , I'll look like an elf. Or with my luck , a troll. You want to talk to someone about aging gracefully , you better talk to someone that didn't have big ears to start with. Don't talk to ME about it , cause I'm pretty *issed.

My nose is OK I guess. It was kinda small to start with , so when I get old ( OK , I hear you snickering , I mean REALLY old ) maybe it'll be normal sized.

There's another problem that we women have as we age , that men don't have to deal with. The older we get , the bigger our purses get. I used to laugh at my mama and grandma about this. They would carry around these huge , suitcase sized purses full of God only knows what. Remember the show 'Lets Make A deal' ? The guy used to ask if you had outlandish things in your purse and if you did , you would win. I would beg my mama to go on that show , cause I just knew she could make us rich. Anyway , I SWORE that when I got older I wouldn't carry those huge purses.

Which brings me to the point of my visit to the doctor the other day. I try to avoid looking in the mirror as I get older , but sometimes its necessary, like when I'm brushing my teeth. So I was brushing my teeth the other night when I noticed that my left shoulder was about 2 inches lower than my right one. Which might not have been a huge problem by itself , but this also made my left arm look about three inches longer than the other one. Which gave me a slightly monkeyish appearance on that side. Well , I'm not one to run to the doctor over every little thing , but I feared that if I didn't go check it out , soon my arm would be dragging the ground , and then what would I do? Anyway , the doctor told me that my purse was too heavy! Well , I never heard such a thing! If he hadn't of tried to move it out of his way , and found that he couldn't lift it , I don't think he would have jumped to that conclusion. Can you believe that he suggested that I carry a smaller purse? Well I wasn't born yesterday you know, and sometimes you just have to do what you thing is best. I decided to just start carrying my purse on my right side , and I figured that after a few days things would even out.......................

By the way , have you ever noticed what women call their purses? My grandma called hers a POCKETBOOK. My mama called hers a PURSE. My daughters-in-law call theirs a BAG. I call mine a purse , and I guess when I get old ( er ) I'll call mine a pocketbook. I don't know how I skipped the part when I should have been calling it a bag. I guess I was so busy having babies I probably didn't even have time to carry a purse. I don't remember. That information is probably in that 60 % of brain cells I lost . Which leaves me with only 40 % to work with. I guess by the time I get really old , people will be able to tell how many children I had just by the way I act. Which should be interesting. I only hope that I'll have enough brain cells left to write it down...........

Just have a few minutes..........

2008-08-22T08:08:00.005-05:00

Have to work today , blast it. Want to say that 'Twas the night before school started ' was a
' what if ' poem. Of course , I'm sure you figured that out! Our hamsters really did have babies , and I really did find the lost ones , much as described. That part is true! But I didn't really send them to school. I did however , REALLY think about it , but decided I would get in trouble or detention or something if I tried it. That blasted hamster had 7 babies. Should I name them after the 7 dwarfs?

When we discovered the babies , I was on the phone with my son , Toby. All my boys have a smart*ss kind of sense of humor ( don't know why ). Anyway , we were all screaming and and shouting about the babies. Jordan and Cane were hopping up and down excited. I was pretty frantic. I told Toby , "What am I gonna do?!! Won't they eat them? Don't I have to take the male away"? Toby said , " Calm down mama , yes all you have to do is take the male away". " How will I know which one that is"? I shouted into the phone. There was a pregnant pause and Toby said ,...................................." Well geez , mama , don't take the one with the TITTIES"!!! Don't ya think THAT would make a great title for a story someday?

Have a great day everyone , and I'll be back tonight , after I'm done doing something that actually pays the bills.

Twas the night before school started

2008-08-20T22:19:00.004-05:00

Twas the night before school started , and all through the towns
mothers were rejoicing and acting like clowns.
The backpacks were packed by moms with care
Hoping that 8 a.m soon would be there.

The children were tucked away in their beds
While visions of freedom danced in moms heads.
And Dad in his boxers , and I in my gown
Looked forward to morning coming around.

When out in the bedroom there arose such a clatter
I ran to their room to see whats the matter.
"I need more water" , my son said in a flash
" Why certainly" I said , but my teeth they did gnash.

The moon through the window let me see
That a hamster was slowly creeping past me.
Then what did my twitching eyes behold
But another hamster and this one was bold.

I may be an old woman , but I dashed really quick
And caught those *amn hamsters with hardly a flick.
I was happier than ever I can honestly say
I rushed to the aquarium to put them away.

Oh my God! My Lord! What did I ever do?
Looking in the aquarium I saw there were no longer just two.
I was frantic , I was worried ,I was climbing the wall.
" Now *amn it , just *amn it , *amn it all!

As sure as I'm sitting here, this I can say
The hamsters had babies and in the cedar they lay.
So out to the medicine cabinet I flew
I don't know how many Advil I took
But it was much more than two.

And then in a twinkling I heard the sound of a claw
Turning real quick , do you know what I saw?
That last escaped hamster was running around
But I caught him in a sack , with a leap and a bound.

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot
(of course , cause he's a hamster) and he was covered in soot.
In the aquarium I let him out of the sack
And he looked up at me like he was glad to be back.

My eyes how they twinkled , my dimples how merry
I looked like I had picked the very best cherry.
But then I remembered , to great dismay
That we had baby hamsters , no way could they stay.

So I worried and worried , and clenched my teeth
And wondered if I would ever get any sleep.
What to do with all those hamsters , you see
Oh zippity do da , it's so great being me.

I'm chubby and plump , a right jolly old elf
I'm cheerful and kind and can laugh at myself.
So what did I do , I wondered , you see
To always have *hit happening to me!

I spoke not a word , but went straight to work
And filled all the backpacks , and turned with a jerk
And laying my finger aside my nose
from beside the backpacks I quickly rose.

I sprang to my bed ,and gave a sigh of relief
And hoped that I could soon drift off to sleep.
The next morning as I dropped the boys off at school
I heard people shouting and screaming with fright
And they heard me exclaim , as I drove out of sight
"Good riddance to hamsters , now I can sleep at night"!

I've been tagged..........

2008-08-20T06:01:00.004-05:00

by smalltownlouisianagirl . Here are the rules :
1. Link the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Talk about 6 unspectacular quirks you have
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they have been tagged

And my quirks are :

1. I am addicted to Sonic ice.........I buy it by the bag.
2. I have to lay on my left side to be able to fall asleep.
3. I don't eat meat.
4. I won't say bye on the phone to people I love....I always say I love you.
5. I have to have a fan on at night to sleep.
6. I am superstitious

Wow! I am more unspectacular than I thought. Bummer! Anyway , I am tagging..........

simplemom
Kim
Feener
Megan
Dawn
Tracy

2008-08-19T23:55:00.007-05:00

Look what I won! Thanks to Kim at bugsandbunnies for giving me this award. And thanks for helping me with this post. You did most of the work , Kim. I can make a link!!!! I feel like I won the lottery!

I would like to nominate Nicole. Congrats!

Moms are from earth.........Dads are from........somewhere else.

2008-08-19T09:16:00.008-05:00

Moms are grounded in the earth , like mother nature . They take charge and know how to do everything. If a mom doesn't know how to do something , then she can ask her mother and she'll know. Like the saying goes , " Mothers know a lot , but Grandmothers know everything". We learn from an early age to be nurturing and giving. I don't know what happened to the dads. Men expect us to do everything. They can be rocket scientists or doctors , lawyers or wrestlers. It doesn't matter. The minute they walk in the door , they become helpless. My husband used to meet me at the door if I had been gone from the house for more than 10 minutes. Was he meeting me at the door because he had missed me so much? Not a chance. Picture it; I struggle to the door with both arms full of groceries and a boy attached to my leg. Husband opens the door and he says .................."I'm hungry."

Well , holy *hit , I think. Who cares. I've just spent 3 hours in Wal-mart with two fighting boys.Who gives a flying fig if you're hungry. But I don't say this. I just stumble to the kitchen , carrying my bags , while he trails behind me like a lost soul. I put the bags down , thinking
that someone must have stolen all our food while I was gone. But no , I open the fridge and see : sandwich stuff , half a ham , leftovers from dinner, fruit , etc, etc.
"Well , why didn't you make yourself a sandwich?" I foolishly ask
"You want me to fix my own sandwich?" he asks me , incredulously. I don't even bother to answer because we've been playing this scene for years. He just does not get the concept of feeding himself. It makes me wonder if I dropped dead today , if he would starve , or would instinct for survival kick in. Somehow I doubt it. I think when men get married , that instinct dies , along with common sense , and the ability to watch their own kids.

God forbid that I go somewhere and leave the kids under his watchful eye. To him "Will you watch the kids?" is translated as "naptime." Last time I left the kids with him , I came home to find him asleep and Jordan on the roof. The boys had eaten : a box of Popsicles, two bags of chips , a bag of cookies and some dog food. ( don't ask). No wonder Jordan was on the roof. I'm sure , after all that sugar , he thought he could fly.

And what about the dads that feel like they have to tell you everything , rather than do something about it. "Jordan is picking his nose." "Cane wants a drink." "Jordan needs to go to the bathroom." Good Lord , if I had of wanted a tattle-tale , I would have had another kid!

While the mothers feet are firmly planted on the ground , planning dinner , thinking about school clothes, wondering how the budget is going to fit all the bills this month, the dads are in la-la land making elaborate plans. They talk about : another car, a vacation , a condo , or whatever. It doesn't matter what it is , as long as it costs a lot .

I really believe they come from a different planet. I mean , they act like they wake up in a different world everyday. They will ask you where the towels are , even if they've been in the same place for 20 years. You can replace towels with any word. It doesn't matter. They don't know where ANYTHING is. They will even ask you where their shoes are , for Pete's sake. Like we wore them and left them in some hidden place , you know?

And around here , everything bad becomes mine.My husband has a bad habit of telling me that : I have a stain on the carpet or a bad apple in the fridge or a tear in the curtain. You get the picture. The other day he walked in the room and said "You've got ants." I looked down to see if ants were crawling on me , or if I had ants in my pants , but I couldn't find any. "What do you mean , I've got ants?" I asked. "Come see". I followed him to the kitchen where there was a little trail of ants happily making their way across the kitchen counter. I stood and stared at them a minute , then ran and grabbed a magnifying glass. "What are you doing?" he shouted. ( my husband , although 6 foot 4 , is scared of bugs) "Why don't you kill them or something?" "Just a minute." I told him . I carefully examined them with the magnifying glass , then looked at him and said " No. you're wrong. Those aren't MY ants. I've never seen them before in my life. They must be YOURS." With that I walked out of the kitchen and left him to deal with them on his own. Besides , I had to get Jordan off the roof.

Moving in with my son

2008-08-15T01:14:00.003-05:00

When I'm an old lady,
I'll live with my son...
I'll make his life happy
And filled with such fun;
I want to pay back
All the joy he's provided;
Returning each deed...
Oh! He'll be so excited!

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
I'll write on the wall
With red, white, and blue;
And bounce on the furniture
While wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton
And then leave it out;
I'll stuff all the toilets,
And oh!...will he shout!

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
When he's on the phone
And just out of reach...
I'll get into things
Like sugar and bleach;
Oh, he'll snap his fingers
And then shake his head;
And when things get tough...
I'll hide under the bed.

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
I'll sit close to the TV,
Through the channels I'll click;
I'll cross both my eyes
To see if they stick;
I'll take off my socks
And throw one away,
And play in the mud
Until the end of the day.

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
When he cooks dinner
And calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans
Or salads congealed;
I'll gag on my oatmeal,
Spill milk on the table,
And when he gets angry,
I'll run as fast as I'm able.

And later in bed,
I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer
And then close my eyes;
My son will look down
With a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
"She's so sweet when she's sleeping."

written by Joann Bailey Baxter

Back to school.................

2008-08-11T23:37:00.005-05:00

It's almost here. There are 5 days ,7 hours and 26 minutes until school starts. Not that I'm counting or anything , you know? But gosh , this has been a loooooooooong summer. I love my boys more than anything in the world , but I'm ready. They are too , although they won't admit it. They are beginning to get bored and they fight constantly. I ought to write a book called "He ain't the boss a me. " I think every mother in the world would buy it , cause they can identify with it. I have heard that about a thousand times this summer.

You ever think about the tons of paperwork they have you fill out the first day of school? I mean , they ask you about 100 times what your address and phone number is. On different pieces of paper. I feel like I should just get a stamp made with my address and phone number and stamp all those blasted pieces of paper. They want to make SURE they can find you in case you don't come back to pick up the kids. And did you know that they check , before you get out the door, to make sure you're not using a fake address and phone number? I won't tell you how I found that out.................

Then when you get them settled in and think everything is going to go smoothly you start getting the papers sent home. I get papers telling me they are sending papers , then I get papers asking me if I received the papers! Last year I was going to be so organized....I bought little plastic boxes for incoming papers and outgoing papers. Trust me on this: Don't waste your money on little plastic boxes CAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ANY BIG ENOUGH. If you have a
spare room in your house , just use that. Just open the door , throw em in there , and shut the door. You get used to it after awhile. True , when you need a paper , you'll have to wade through a room full of papers , but at least they'll all be in the same place.

Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about. Fundraisers.Last year when I got home from dropping my kids off the first day of school , there was a message on my phone from the school telling me that the fundraiser had begun. I live 5 minutes from the school. I don't know why they just didn't tell me to my face , but I guess they were scared.......... I'm all for raising money for the school , but why won't they just send a note home like this:
ATTENTION: You must send $20.00 by tomorrow for our '2nd day of school fundraiser' , or keep your kid at home. We are serious: If you can't send the money , we understand , but your kid can't come to school without it.
Everyone would send it , believe me , cause it's been a looooooooooong summer, you know what I mean?

But can they do that? Oh no! They have to send home a big colorful brochure with a picture of the worlds best bike on it. It says:
ATTENTION: We are having a fundraiser. If your child sells 1000 bars of candy he may or may not receive this bike. If he sells 1-999 bars of candy , he will receive a balloon. Please support our school and your child in this endeavor.
Well , Holy *hit. I don't know 1000 people , and the ones I do know , half of em are diabetic or something. But there my little boys stand , with stars in their eyes , so excited that they are hopping up and down. And I tell you , they ain't jumping up and down because of the balloon.

Well, so you call everybody you know and after being on the phone for 2 hours you have sold 19 bars of candy. Only 981 to go. Twice. If you live in a really small town , you're screwed. I'm serious. I once lived in a town with only 618 people. But that's a whole nuther story , and I'm getting off track here.

Anyway, I can't send the boys out door to door alone , and their dad has better sense than I do , so he's not gonna do it. So the first house we go to looks like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre people live there. There are bones and stuff hanging from the porch. But there's a lot of candy wrappers in the yard so I figure they're good candidates. So after telling the boys to run get their daddy if someone pulls me in the door , I knock. My knees are knocking too.
"WHO IS IT?"
"IT'S AVA- MY LITTLE BOYS ARE SELLING CANDY FOR SCHOOL!"
"SO"
"SO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME?"
"$20.00 worth-LEAVE IT ON THE PORCH!"
Well OK then, I think , how are we supposed to get paid for it? But about that time a 20 dollar bill slides out from under the door. Well , this ain't so bad , I think , as I lay 20 bars of candy next to the door.
3 hours and 15 minutes later we have only sold 5 more. But we had a goat and 2 cats follow us home , so I guess the day wasn't a total waste. I actually contemplated keeping the goat , thinking that it would make up for the bikes they weren't going to get. But being a smart woman , I decided that it would be easier to buy 2 bikes than try to upkeep a goat. I would have bought the candy myself so the boys would have a chance at the bikes from the school , but with 2 boys that would have been nearly 2000 bars. And after all , they won't feel left out when they hand out the prizes cause they will get the balloons. And besides , theres no room in the freezer because of the candy from the year before .......................

Dear Hartz..............

2008-08-06T23:14:00.004-05:00

Dear Hartz,
I am writing this letter in regards to your Play City Hamster Cage. I suppose a play city for hamsters is a good idea , and would provide them hours of entertainment , IF they were ever actually in the cage long enough to be entertained. I purchased 4 of your cages , brought them home and put them together. (which I might add was not an easy task.) Upon completion , I put the hamsters in the cages and that's when the fun really began. First of all , the wheel attachment on the side: The hamster would have to weigh 50 pounds to be able to turn that wheel , in which case he would not fit inside the cage , so that is a useless attachment. As soon as they figured out that they couldn't turn the wheel , they carried all their cedar into it and made a bed. When they were bored with that , they took the wheel apart , thus creating a hole to escape through. Luckily I saw what was going on and caught them in the toy box. Put them back in the cage ,put the enclosed stopper in the hole and went to bed. I find I'm curious as to why you enclosed a stopper for the wheel hole. Did you know that the hamsters would take it off?

Anyway , next morning , checking on them , I find NO *AMN HAMSTERS IN THE CAGES! Do you know what this means? It means THEY ARE LOOSE IN MY HOUSE! I happen to be scared of them. If you wonder why I bought a bunch of hamsters and 4 cages if I was scared of them I will tell you. 3 cages and 6 hamsters were supposed to go home with my grandchildren. We were SUPPOSED to have 1 cage and 2 hamsters. IF they would stay in their cages , I would be able to handle 2 CAGED hamsters. I cannot handle 8 loose hamsters in my house.

How did they get out , you may ask? Well , I can't say for sure , as they didn't leave a note. But I can say for sure that they are gone, baby , gone. And they didn't eat each other as I have heard hamsters are prone to do , because if they had , there would have to be at least one really fat one left, know what I mean?

Of course the grandchildren were heartbroken , so there was nothing I could do but go buy more hamsters , but I made sure that they stayed in a shoebox until the kids took them home. All of the above mentioned hamsters are still at large , except one. He was apprehended at 4 a.m one morning , as I sat sleepless , and happened to see him creep under the dining room table. Where do you think the other 7 have gone to? I have not had much sleep since their escape , but I am still rational enough to know that after 2 weeks , I probably won't find them. Unless I smell something strange and follow my nose. Which I can tell you I am not looking forward to.

This is also greatly effecting my ..........umm.....relations with my husband. If he touches me in the dark at night , I jump out of the bed and run screaming from the room. I keep telling him it's the hamsters , but it is beginning to give him an inferiority complex , and I fear that he will have a middle age crisis soon. And I a nervous breakdown. Besides for the fact that he is still looking for the snake and now he has to worry about loose hamsters too , so he is not getting much sleep either. Which is making him late for work. I would hate for him to loose his job , because it would be on your company's head , I tell you.

Also , you state on your advertisement that the play city's wire bars promote plenty of fresh air and owner interaction. Pu-leeze. They are probably getting plenty of fresh air wherever they may be , but if I step on one in the middle of the night , the owner interaction is not gonna be pretty.

Anyway , I am writing this letter because I was not satisfied with the result of the phone call I made to your company. True , you offered to replace all of the cages or refund the money. I don't want the cages replaced. What am I gonna do , go buy some more hamsters and put them in your wonderful fresh air cages? Yea , right , like that's gonna happen. And I don't want the money. I want someone to come find these **&()&*^^**^^* hamsters. And I think it should be someone from your company. I think that if you had to fly someone to my house , and have them crawl around on their knees until the hamsters were apprehended , then maybe next time you made a cage you might put the frigging bars just a wee bit closer.

Now I know that this letter has been long winded , but you have to understand that I DON"T HAVE MUCH ELSE TO DO AS I SIT HERE ALL NIGHT AFRAID TO GO TO BED! And I am enclosing a bill. I don't expect you to pay it , but would like for you to see the damage that has been done.

Ibuprophen.........$6.00
electricity to keep all lights on at night.........$25.00 extra per month
Therapy....................$50.00 per hour
Therapy for my husband..........$50.00 per hour
extra coffee to be able to stay awake in the daytime..........$10.00
replacement of 6 hamsters for grandchildren.....................$72.00
aquarium for lone captured hamster to make sure he doesn't get out.................$10.00
The look on my husbands face when I told him all the hamsters were loose..................priceless

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nevergonnabuyanother*amnhamster

talesfromthefunnyfarm

2008-08-06T02:09:00.001-05:00

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talesfromthefunnyfarm

2008-08-06T01:03:00.002-05:00

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

I made this with all the boys and the dog and two cats , but it will only let me show 4 figures on it. Bummer.

Get em while they're hot...only $19.95..............

2008-07-24T09:20:00.007-05:00

When ever I buy something new that I don't know how to use , I try to read the directions first , but curiosity gets the best of me and I usually go ahead and use it ..........then read the directions AFTER it doesn't work right. My mama was the same way , and usually we got it right the first time. Except the time she bought the blow up breasts from Fredrick's of Hollywood. She was going dancing that night and they had come in the mail that day . After getting off work she didn't have much time to get ready so she took out her new breasts ( they were encased in a bra , thank goodness ) slipped them on , inserted the straw , and blew them up. Mama , being a slim women with small breasts , was delighted. Suddenly she had the breasts she had always wanted. I watched as she got ready , and although I thought she was beautiful , I was skeptical about the breasts. "Mama" , I said , "I don't think I'd wear those if I were you." "Why not?" "Well ,because they're FAKE , they aren't really yours. Aren't you afraid people will be able to tell?" "Don't be silly. How could anyone tell? And they certainly are mine.........I paid $19.95 for them.........they belong to me!"

Well , off she went dancing with her new boobs standing proudly at attention. The next morning when I got up , mama was already gone to work. I almost choked on my breakfast , when I opened the garbage can to throw away an eggshell , and found her breasts staring up at me. I couldn't wait for her to get home that night to tell me what had happened. Knowing my mama , I knew it would be a good one! I waited anxiously all day , but finally she got home and I was able to find out what had happened:

She said that things had been going great , she was dancing and having a good time. Her best friend was there and she admired mamas new boobs and was thinking about getting some. Then this one gentleman asked her to dance , and mama said she believed it was the Tango or something like that. She said things were fine until that last dramatic crescendo of music , when the man roughly pulls the woman to him. You know how that dance goes. Can you picture it in your mind? I could, and I was laughing so hard , until she gave me that look that could kill , so I shut up. Anyway , she said , he pulled her to him , and the force caused the stopper or something to pop loose ,and just as the music ended and all was quite, her breasts made this HUGE farting noise , that went on and on and on. She said the man pushed her away and shouted , loud enough for everyone to hear , "Good Lord lady , why dontcha go to the bathroom!"
Well , mama said she grabbed her friend and her purse and rushed out of there like she was on fire and she was NEVER going back! She said she guessed that's what she got for only paying $19.95!

That was the end of mama's breast enlargement experiments. Well except the time she bought the thing with the suction cup and water sprayer that you hooked up to the faucet...........but that's a whole nuther story.

Why I buy lime tortilla chips

2008-07-22T08:00:00.003-05:00

Most of the time it's easy to write my stories. I just think back over my day! But sometimes I think and think and nothing comes into my head. Wait! That didn't sound right. What I mean is my mind is blank. Dad gum it , that sounds worse! Oh well , I admit it , my mind is blank most of the time. That's why you can find me quite often wandering around Wal-mart , with that vacant stare in my eyes.

I should hire a shopper to do my grocery shopping. I try , I really do , but most of the time it just doesn't work out for me. Take yesterday , for example. The kids and I went to Wal-mart , to buy groceries. We were there 3 hours. I should have had 3 hours worth of groceries , you'd think. Or at today's prices , at least enough to feed us for 3 hours. When I finally found the out door, we had 2 ipods , a guitar hero game for ds ( which I don't even remember okaying so I think that one was snuck in the basket , so it's going back) some glitter , two wooden airplanes , some cat food , a gallon of milk , and some of those lime tortilla chips (again). I know milk and lime chips don't sound good together , and yes my husband wonders why we have such odd stuff for supper , but hey , I'm 52 years old! I have NO BUSINESS IN WAL-MART WITH A 7 AND 8 YEAR OLD IN THE FIRST PLACE! And he doesn't do such a great job either. The last time he had to do the grocery shopping with the boys , he came home with a screw driver , some duct tape and 4 packs of Yu-gi-oh cards.

OK, they weren't really ipods , they were mp3 players , but the boys think they are. And they play movies and music and photos , so I figured they were good enough. And they cost 150 dollars LESS than ipods. On the way home they were sitting in the back seat holding the boxes ( you know you can't get them open without scissors , a hammer ,screwdriver and a pair of pliers) and Cane says , " Mama, you said these were ipods. This says MP3 player." *hit! Well , I told him what any good honest mother would have. I told him that the reason it says mp3 player is because it is an ipod AND a mp3 player combined , which is much better than a plain old ipod.
Oh I know you think I'm awful ,but I'm telling you the things do a lot! They will hold movies , up to 1900 video clips and photos and 500 songs , just for starters. That's more than enough . I will not feel guilty over this one. After all we went there for hamburger meat and eggs , they should be happy.

The other day when we went to Wal-mart we had to take the hamsters inside with us. We had bought them at the pet store , then we went to Wal-mart for cages. The pet store had them , but ours is a very small pet store and the cages were 50 dollars. I figured they would be cheaper at Wal-mart and we needed 3 of them. So in I go with six kids ( or maybe it was 5 , I don't remember , but it was a lot ) all carrying shoe boxes. The return sticker girl person at the door asked if we were returning them all , and I had to tell her that it was hamsters. She said we don't sell hamsters so you can't return them. I said I know. She wanted to know why we brought them in so I had to tell her that it was 100 degrees outside , and the shoe boxes had a little hole on each end , and we needed cages and they would get too hot in the car , or escape. She said oh, OK , but make sure they don't get out, I'm scared of them. Well slap me silly , but Wal-mart is a BIG place , you know? Does she think if one escapes , that it's gonna make a beeline straight for her?

Oh , and my grand daughter had on : Black high heels with spider webs on them , a black square dance dress , a bright red belt and a plastic princess crown. Don't ask me why she dresses like that when we go some where. She looked pretty normal at the house , she had on jeans and a t shirt , and I told her we were going to go get hamsters and she went and got ready. I guess that's her hamster purchasing clothes? She's 14 and I can't figure her out , so I don't try. She loves me a bunch though. She always tells me her mom won't let her be her self and dress how she wants to , so when I have her, I let her. Once in awhile I get in trouble for it , but hey , what are they gonna do , spank me? Or maybe ground me? That might be fun . No work , no errands , just lay around the house. OK , I'm getting off track. Anyway , we were in there about 3 hours that time too. I have no idea why. They only had ONE KIND OF CAGE , so how in Sam hill could it take that long to pick them out? Well , while we were there Cane did accidentally bump into Eva and knock her shoebox out of her hand and the hamster ran out and around for a few minutes , but it didn't take THAT long to catch it. But I will tell you one thing: Most people are scared of hamsters. At least the people that go to Wal-mart.................

Well OK , sometimes my days get sidetracked and don't go quite as planned. Sometimes I'm scared to get out of bed. I don't know why things like this happen to me. I didn't wake up that morning and say , " Hey , I think we'll go spend the grocery money on ipod/mp3 players and then buy a bunch of hamsters and let one loose in Wal-mart and see what happens." I don't think my husband believes me when I tell him I don't do these things on purpose. And to the security people that have to watch the video tapes at Wal-mart , I SWEAR we didn't let the hamster loose on purpose and it WAS NOT a distraction tactic.

Grandkids

2008-07-21T14:48:00.002-05:00

Well I've had the grand kids this past week so haven't had much time to write , but we sure were busy MAKING stories. I did tell y'all I had grand kids didn't I? Even though I still have a 7 and 8 year old. It's been a hoot , I'll tell ya. Just wanted to let y'all know where I've been and will probably post tonight. Oh by the way. You know how when you got a bunch of little boys , they're always dragging home animals and having hamsters and gerbils and snakes and stuff? Well , while the grand kids were here I bought them all hamsters and everything they needed! And I made sure that each pair I sent home had a boy and girl. The kids were all so excited. We put them in those little balls and let them race. As many kids as I've got , it looked like the Grand Prix around here. Wasn't that sweet of me? When Paul picked up the kids and hugged me goodbye , I thought I saw tears in his eyes. I'm sure it was because he misses me and had nothing at all to do with all the hamsters he was carrying home............................

Been really busy..............

2008-07-17T07:39:00.002-05:00

Well first thing this morning my editor called me and asked if I could hurry with the book I was writing for him because he wants me to sign a contract for 6 more. They are only paying 50,000 a piece but thats not too bad. Then the phone rang and it was Playboy , and they wanted exclusive rights to the pictures from Bad Hair Day. Well before I could even get off the phone the doorbell rang. Guess who it was? Publishers clearing house! Yep , they wanted to give me ten million dollars. I accepted but I know thats gonna make me even busier , taking care of and spending all that money. Anyway , then the alarm went off and I woke up , so just letting ya'll know that I'll post a story soon! Have a great day!

Bad Hair Day

2008-07-14T00:56:00.011-05:00

I am a woman of little patience so I never do strand tests. Did you know that the hair colour you buy this month may not be the same as the one you buy next month? Even if it says on the box that it is the same brand and color? I think that the people at the factory sit there and say " OK , lets put a shot of this in there and see what happens?" Anyway , so once I was gonna cover my gray and bought a copper colored red as close to what I thought I remembered my natural color to be. Of course it had been so many years since I had seen my natural color that I wasn't quite sure...............

Well , I followed the directions ( except for the part about the strand test , cause I was in a hurry) and started putting it on my head. I took off the gloves cause they were just sliding around anyway , and how hard could dye be to get off your hands right? Then I decided I should leave it on an extra 15 minutes because my gray is pretty persistent ( resistant? ) and THEN I decided that I should put some on my eyebrows so they would match , and while I was at it I thought I would slap some ......you know.....down there. I've always been a matchy , matchy kind of girl. So I did my eyebrows , just took my finger and swiped some on , and then slathered it on down there and.............

HOLY MOTHER OF PEARLS!!!!!! Talk about one hot mama. I mean the thing was on fire! I felt like running around dragging my bottom on the carpet like I've seen dogs do , you know? Well , I jumped in the bathtub and started splashing water on that babie as fast as I could and finally got it off. Boy , I'll never try THAT again. To calm my nerves I went to the kitchen and got a cup of coffee and a magazine and went back to the bathroom. I sat down and started fanning between my legs with the magazine and that's when I remembered.................

The extra 15 minutes had been up when I slathered that stuff on my you know what. Frantically , I ran to look at the clock and saw that it had been on my head for an hour and ten minutes! I jumped in the shower quick and washed it out and climbed out and wrapped a towel around my head. I always had to wait until the boys were in bed to do stuff like this so I wouldn't be interrupted and I saw that it was now 1:00 am. I was exhausted so I stumbled to bed with the towel still around my head. I figured I'd get up in the morning and style my new and improved hair , and I'd be gorgeous , you know what I mean?

So the next morning my husband wakes me up shaking me and saying , " what happened to you?" "Nothing " , I mumbled , and went back to sleep. A little while later I got up and stumbled to the bathroom to do my business and was passing in front of the mirror and OH SWEET LORD!!!!! I staggered back against the wall , clutching my heart. It was ORANGE! Not like when you have red hair and people call you carrot top , but like pop sickle , crayola crayon kinda orange. And sticking straight up on top of my head. And my eyebrows? They looked like they had been finger painted on. I looked like Groucho Marx , only with orange eyebrows instead of black. Well I stuck my head under the faucet and got that mess good and wet so it would lay down and then started on my eyebrows.That's when I saw my hands. Yep , they were orange too, but that was the least of my problems. I scrubbed and scrubbed my eyebrows.I mean I scrubbed those suckers till they were raw.Finally I got them faded so that you would only notice them if you were looking at me.

I grabbed my husbands hat ( the one that said " Real men drive trucks" ) and headed off to wal-mart. There had to be SOMETHING that would cover that orange mess up. At Wal-mart , I figured I better stay away from anything red , and grabbed a box of Ash Blonde...or Brown. I don't remember but that part isn't important. Whats important is the ASH part. Do you know what happens when you put ash on any shade of red? I do. It turns green. I don't mean the 'think you see a slight tint of green' kinda green. I mean kool-aide kinda green.

I decided it was time to seek professional help. At the beauty shop they told me that to get it all out they would have to strip it and take it to palest blonde. For a moment the thought went through my mind that if I bleached DOWN THERE too , I'd be a real blonde. But then , like the girl in the cheap romance novel I remembered the ' her loins were on fire ' incident and quickly put that out of my mind. And I found out that when they say palest blonde they don't really mean blonde. They mean white. I'm talking white as the driven snow , white as a sheet , looked like I'd seen a ghost kinda white. But you know what? My gray was gone so I called it a day.

No Grils Allowed

2008-07-09T20:19:00.003-05:00

When my 4 oldest boys were little and safe in our backyard , things were simpler then. The rules were , don't hit your brothers , don't set anything on fire , and stay in the yard. Sometimes though , they would sneak away , and I would have to hunt them up from whatever adventure they were having. But in the backyard , they built everything they needed to have all kinds of adventures. They dug a 10 foot hole , camouflaged it with bushes , and outfitted it with furniture , army food and a radio.It was their private little world. Until one day , I was walking across the backyard and fell in it. I guess since it was not a secret anymore, the novelty wore off and they decided to move the club to the old shed in the backyard. So they stashed discarded furniture , books , a tent ,food , dishes. etc. You name it , they put it in there.They even rigged up some way of making it a two storey hide out. I really think they could have lived out there if they had to. Once they had finished getting it just right , they got a can of spray paint and proudly wrote " No Grils Allowed" above the door to their club. I didn't have the heart to tell them they had misspelled Girls. I didn't figure it mattered anyway. There were no girls in our family and I had not seen any in the neighborhood.

Sometimes when all the boys are together visiting , they'll be in a room laughing and talking , and when I or one of their wives walk in they'll look up , and with tears of laughter in their eyes they'll say , "Hey , no girls allowed!" They look so happy , it makes us want to share in the joke , to be a part of "the club".A wave of nostalgia will wash over me , and although I love the men they have become , I still miss the little boys they were.

The boys spent many summers in that backyard. I wonder if they dreamed about who they would marry when they grew up , or what they would be. Did they think about places far away that they would travel to when they were grown? Inside the house I dreamed about taking them to Disney land. I never did get to , but I don't think they missed it. They were happy in their make believe world they invented out there. I remember going out in their club one hot summer night and the boys started hollering , "Hey , no girls allowed!" Joey , the baby of them all , came to my rescue. "She's not a girl " he said , "she's our mom."

We lived in that house with my mama . After a few years we moved to another town , but my mama still lived in that house when she passed away. It's been about 20 years since the boys painted that sign. A few years ago , I traveled back to Helena , to visit my mama and daddy's graves. I drove by the old house , and sadly saw that it had been torn down. But through my tears , I saw that old shed still standing there and that my boys words had endured. " No grils allowed "

Emergency room adventure

2008-07-08T23:31:00.003-05:00

So I had to go to the emergency room Sunday night about my knee. I couldn't walk so I needed to go see what was wrong with me. I took myself cause I don't like my husbands driving. Well , I exaggerate. I could walk , but like Tim Conway when he would play the old man on Carol Burnett , if anyone remembers that. Only he could go faster than me. Anyway , I was in awful pain , so I go to the emergency room and I have to park ACROSS THE STREET. There are so many people having emergency's that the lot is full. I know that I'm in for a fun-filled night.

So I park and begin my slow shuffle across the road. Not much chance of getting hit because in my pain filled daze , I neglected to change clothes before I left. I have on my sponge bob pj's , which consist of : 1 NEON yellow t-shirt that comes down to my knees , 1 pair of flannel NEON yellow pants with sponge bob plastered all over , 1 pair of NEON yellow sponge bob crocs (they have his face on it).Oh and I have bright red hair. Can you imagine what I must have looked like? A 52 year old woman doing the Tim Conway shuffle across the road with THAT on? Like I said , I wasn't worried about getting hit , they could see me coming for a mile. And I know they did. By the time I got to the emergency doors people were gathering at the windows and looking out.

I approached the desk and the girl asked me warily if she could help me and I told her that there was something wrong with my knee. She looked relieved , like maybe she thought I was going to be psychotic or something. Anyway , she took my info , told me to have a seat and wait. Which I did . For a l-o-n-g l-o-n-g time. The room was full and I couldn't believe how many people came out of the back. I didn't even know the hospital would hold that many people. While I was there 3 hooter girls came in. I guess they were Hooter girls cause that's what their t-shirts said. You know , have you ever noticed that there is hardly enough room on the t-shirts for all the letters. They all had on itty bitty matching shorts and those t-shirts. One of them was in labor. That gave people something to stare at for awhile besides me.

Anyway , FINALLY , they called my name. After I walked down the mile long hall to my SECOND WAITING ROOM , the male nurse asked me if I could walk. Now he saw me doing the shuffle trying to get down there where he was. But I just sweetly told him yes I could , but it takes me awhile AND I"M IN TERRIBLE FREAKING PAIN COULDN'T YOU SEE ME COMING WHY DIDN"T YOU COME GET ME IN A WHEELCHAIR WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!? He didn't blink an eye , just told me , " Hi , I'm John and I'll be your server. I mean nurse." Well that made me feel good I'll tell you. Was it a joke or was he really a waiter and this was just something he did on the side? I don't know , too complicated for me to think about right then.

So he puts me in a room and 2 hours later the door pops open and in comes this good looking doctor , about my sons age. And he acts like I've only been sitting there 10 minutes. He's all cheerful and everything. You know what I mean? You've been there before , haven't you?
"So " , he says , "On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad would you say the pain is?"

"Well that depends. If I hold my breath and don't move at all, it's a 1. But if I so much as try to BREATHE ITS A TEN!"
So he starts pulling my sponge bob pants leg up and I'm trying to remember if that is the leg I shaved this month or if it was the other one. Before I can figure that out he tells me to kick off my crocs so he can see if my feet are swollen , and that's when I see MY TOES! I had forgotten all about them!

Let me tell you about my toes. Before my knee went out I had put on the fake french toenails. They were really cute. And very noticeable , cause they were a little long and purple with white stripes . They looked adorable. When they were all there. But since I couldn't wear my sandals with my feet swollen , the crocs had knocked some of them off. I hadn't been able to bend over and fix them with my knee like that. So out comes my swollen feet , with 2 purple toenails on one foot , and three on the other one. OMG! Embarrassed is not the word. The doctor sat there and contemplated them a minute , then looked up at me and said , " Do those come in yellow , cause the purple kinda clashes with the sponge bob , don't you think?" I mumbled something , but I don't remember what. I've tried to block that part from my memory. And then when I didn't think that things could get worse , a toenail fell out of my shoe. Well , as much as I hated to ask , I didn't have a choice. I couldn't reach it and I needed that toenail. The set didn't come with extras. So I had to ask the doctor if he would hand me my toenail.

So he tells me whats wrong with me and puts this huge Velcro strapped leg brace thing on me and I'm free to go. So I shuffle out the door , but now its more of a zombie shuffle because of the brace , than a Tim Conway shuffle. At the road , cars have to stop and let me go across. I know they're looking at me and I try to go faster , but I just can't. Boy it seemed like it took 30 minutes to get across that road , when in actuality it probably only took 29. Anyway , I almost make it , I'm almost all the way across , when the brace falls off. In the road. I think the sponge bob clothes made me look bigger than I am because it appears that they have given me one made for a 6 foot 5 , 300 pound man. Did I mention how hard it is for me to bend over? But I had to do it , I needed that *amn thing almost as bad as I needed the toenail. So I finally hook it with the end of my finger , and make it to my car. Lean up against the car and strap the thing back on ( 15 minutes ) and try to get in the car. Can't be done. So I unstrap myself ( 15 minutes ) and finally I can sit down in the car. As I drive home , I wonder if I can find toenails in bright yellow.

2008-07-07T21:54:00.000-05:00

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Food for Thought

2008-07-07T21:47:00.003-05:00

I read today that the instructions that come with Johnson & Johnson rectal thermometers say , in very fine print , " Every rectal thermometer produced by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested before being placed on the market." Now if that doesn't give you something to think about , I don't know what will. I mean , do you REALLY want that thermometer THAT bad , and also , is your job really as bad as you thought it was?

2008-07-07T10:14:00.001-05:00

Hi everybody. I hope you all had a great weekend. I've hurt my knee so I'm getting around a little slow , but since I don't type with my knee I should be posting soon. Have a good day!

Pantyhose and push up bras

2008-07-03T00:22:00.006-05:00

You sit on the bed vowing that this time when you put the pantyhose on , it's going to be different. You're gonna get it right the first time. So 30 minutes later you finally have them on , even though by now you're drenched in sweat and your ears are burning , meaning your blood pressure has risen. But no matter....you've GOT THE PANTYHOSE ON! So you stand up and notice that theres a little itch itch , then it gets worse............and worse..............until they're ITCHING ALL OVER...........but you've got to go or you're gonna be late. So you leave the house ( even though you know better ) with the horrible things on. Do you hate pantyhose as much as I do? And if you've ever worn any , then you know what I mean.Anyway , back to the story............................

Then they start moving. The heels turn around to the front and the waistband rolls down and my tummy POPS over the top...............then they start s-l-i-d-i-n-g down my hips......THEN the CROTCH starts sweating and it was already itching , so now you have a sweaty, itchy crotch with a tummy hanging over flap thingy and heels on the top of your foot. At this point you look pretty deformed , and it doesn't help that you're standing there in the check out at the grocery store , trying to rub your thighs together to help the itching , while at the same time doing a pelvis tuck belly dance kind of thing to try to get your tummy to POP back in , and by now you also look like you have LOOSE skin on your legs because they have started to C-R-A-W-L down your legs and by the time you get home you are nearly pulling your hair out and you're convinced they are ALIVE , so you RUSH into the bathroom , strip the vile things off and FLUSH EM DOWN THE FRIGGING COMMODE!!!!!!!!! Wow , sorry , got carried away there. I'm gonna take a deep breath and try to never , ever think about PANTY HOSE again

Oh yea and I forgot a couple of things. You ever see anyone wearing pantyhose with flipflops or toe sandals? I have and I'm here to tell you that is a sight to see. And I had forgotten about the saggy crotch. Well , its not so much saggy as taut cause it won't go all the way up so the crotch of the pantyhose is suspended about 3 inches below your crotch and stretched like a tightrope so that you walk like Charlie Chaplin. I'm telling you , if you farted in there it would bounce off that stretched crotch and richochet around in there until you took them off. And what about the ones that TWIST when you're putting them on and no matter how many times you redo it , that leg still twists so that by the time you get to the top of your thigh it's so tight that it has your thigh squeezed to about the size of your ankle? Ya'll have had them do that haven't you? Then there are the ones that are made..I don't know . they're just made funny so that they compress you so that it looks like your tummy is in back and your *ss is in front , which would work fine if you could walk backwards everywhere you go...............

One time I wore one of those half cup push up bra things and pantyhose at the same time. I'm serious. I had never worn one before so I didn't know that everytime I bent over the boobs would pop out. I guess I'm just not made for those things. Anyway , so I would straighten up and I would look like I had 4 of them .......the two boobs hanging over the top , and the parts of the two that were still in the bra............SO by the time that I got those babies put back in .......the pantyhose would start sliding down and out would pop the old tummy , so then I would bend over to grab the pantyhose by the ankles before they got away , and start working them back up to my tummy ,.....and then out would pop the boobs again..........I think I was at a funeral that day , and although I barely knew her , people thought we were best friends because by the time I left there I was crying so hard , and I could hardly walk ( due to the tightrope stretched crotch ) and my thigh , ( the ankle sized one ) had gone numb , so I practially had to be carried to the car..............well , I 've went off on a rant again......I really need to get a life.......

Ran across these this morning...............

2008-07-02T07:40:00.001-05:00

Funny Moms Stories #1: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better

Funny Moms Stories #3: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

WARNING

2008-07-02T06:32:00.004-05:00

I used to be the kind of person that read the cereal box while I was eating. Not any more. Not after I read the can of Potted meat once while munching a potted meat sandwich. Potted meat. That sounds pretty gross anyway , but boy wait until you read whats in it.

You really have to be careful what you read now days. Cause if you read too much , you'll be afraid to go to sleep , eat anything , drive the car , brush your teeth , drink a glass of water........... The list is endless. The other day my grandson was getting ready to get on a bus to go on vacation. He needed a pair of headphones , so I stopped at the store , ran in and got a pair and ran back out to the car. The bus was due in 10 minutes , so I started ripping open the package ( not an easy job ) and then I saw THE WARNING in little bitty tiny print. It said " Warning: This device contains chemicals known to contain cancer producing agents. Wash hands immediately after handling." What the *ell? I'm supposed to let my grandson stick those in his EARS? Right next to his BRAIN? And how the *ell is he supposed to get them in his ears without using his hands anyway?

I wasn't going to let him have them but he insisted that everything in the world had that warning on it and the bus was fixing to come and he had to GO! While, we stood there and waited on the bus ( it was 2 hours late ) I made him promise to wash his hands after he put them in his ears , and to wash his ears after he used them. Why don't they just make the things out of SOMETHING ELSE?

Then there are the labels that don't make any sense. And packages that you can't get open. What about medicine. I guess childproof caps are good. (Although my little boys can get them open , but I can't) . What about childproof caps on ...say ....muscle relaxers. You're ok on the first one , but what you gonna do when it comes time to take the second one? If the first one worked , wouldn't you be too relaxed and drooly to get that blasted bottle open. What kind of bottles do they put nitro pills for heart attacks in? It better be something pretty easy , I'll tell you that , cause I *amn near had a heart attack the other day trying to get a bottle of Advil open for my PMS. What about the medicine you take so you'll feel good enough to go TO WORK , and then you read , " DO NOT DRIVE OR OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY AFTER TAKING." Well , i should have read that BEFORE I took it , cause now what am I supposed to do , walk to work?

And all the warnings about injury or death. WARNING: WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR INJURY OR DEATH AS A RESULT OF USAGE OF THIS PRODUCT. And they think , after reading that, that I'm gonna get on that ride , or drink that , or eat this , or rub that under my arms , or put that on my head? Not me! I think from now on I'll just dig a well for water , grow all my own food, stop shaving under my arms and walk to work. And oh yea, I'm not reading anything else , cause it makes me have nightmares. And I sure ain't taking a sleeping pill.

I'm back

2008-06-30T14:58:00.001-05:00

My internet has been messed up so haven't posted in awhile. I should be posting new stories in a day or so. Hey , wonder if anyone even realized I was gone?................

Once upon a time.................

2008-06-20T02:55:00.007-05:00

in a land not so far away ( called Arkansas ) there lived a girl (woman , old lady , whatever ) named Avarella. She had two little boys and a husband that were so mean to her , and treated her like a step-mama. They wouldn't mind her and were always asking silly , useless questions like , "whats for supper" and " do you know where my shoes are". Now Avarella scrubbed and cooked and cleaned all day and when the children and her husband came home , they messed it up so she had to do it all over again. Although Avarella did not have to wear rags , she always had one in her hand , so to her it was the same difference , if you know what I mean.

One day when Avarella was in the corner scrubbing Kool-aid stains out of the carpet , she over heard the children and her husband talking about going on a vacation. Vacation! Ha! Avarella had been on one of those before and she knew that they would pretend that they wanted her to come along , but it was just so she could wash their underwear and scrub their stains and cook for them. She wondered if she would ever get a vacation for herself , where she could do what the others did ( lay on their butts , jump and laugh in swimming pool , eat and throw the wrappers on the floor , etc, etc ). Timidly , with rag in hand , she approached them as they were talking about the vacation. " Hey Guys , do you think that this time when we go on vacation , you could maybe........ah.....clean up after yourselves so I can have fun too"? Well they looked at her like she had grown two heads , so she crept back to the corner to attend to her stain.

Well as the day approached for the vacation , Avarella worked her butt off to get them all ready. She cleaned and ironed and packed. She loaded the truck and made sure that they had everything they needed , including plenty of snacks , swimming pool toys , and clothes. She kissed them all and put them in the truck with their father and closed the door and said , " Have a good time. I love you . Ya'll come back now , ya hear"! They looked at her with wide eyed wonder , because she had never done such a thing before. Avarella explained patiently ,that yes indeed , she was staying home this year , and taking her own vacation! Well , it took some doing but after much explaining and talking yadayadayada they finally left and she was a free woman for one week.

Avarella walked ( skipped ) back into the house and listened. She didn't hear anything. It sounded kind of strange , but nice. She decided to listen to some music , NOT COUNTRY , and then she picked out a good book and lay down on the couch and began to read. She hadn't been able to do that in years , except in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep. She could hear the clock going tick tock tick tock , and just then a mouse ran up the clock, hickory dickory dock , and she wondered why the *amn mouse trap under the sink didn't work. Anyway , back to the book. But she couldn't concentrate , it was just too quite. Avarella decided that she wasn't in the mood for reading anyway. She thought it might be fun to go to her closet and play with all her purses and glass slippers , because she never had time to do that.She barely had time to even dress herself in the mornings. In fact , one day when she was at a PTA meeting she looked down and saw that she had on two different glass slippers and she was very embarrassed because all the other rella's looked very "well-groomed and put together".

Avarella soon grew tired of that so she went to the kitchen and got some ice cream , but she found that it didn't taste as good if she wasn't hiding in the closet to eat it. So she got a snack instead , went back to the couch , and threw the wrapper on the floor. But that made her nervous so she got up and picked it up. On the way to the trash can she saw a drawing on the fridge that said , " dear mama , "I love you becuse you are prutty and you cook goud ". That made her sad , because she realized that she missed her little boys and maybe she should have gone with them. She knew she loved them and she didn't see what was wrong with just wanting some time to herself. Avarella decided to go kiss the frog to see if anything would happen like in the fairy tales. She had to close her eyes to do it because he looked real weird when you got that close , and all that happened was that her lips felt funny. So then she decided to call her Fairy Godperson ( gay cousin in Louisiana ) and see if he had any advice. " If you miss them girl , go catch up with them! No point in staying home if you're not happy", he told her.

So Avarella ran out to get in her golden carriage ( gold mini-van ) but just about that time , she was awakened by someone on the radio screaming , " IT'S MIDNIGHT- DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS? YEEEE-HAW"!? So she woke up and realized that she wasn't in kansas ( I mean at home ) anymore. In fact she had been dreaming like in a fairy tale or whatever , and she had been in the truck with her family all along. The boys were in the back seat fighting and her husband was listening to country music and they were on the way to West Virginia , and there was still 15 HOURS TO GO. Avarella cried and begged and screamed for them to let her out of the truck , but they wouldn't do it ,so that was when she realized that they really did love her , even if she did have to wait on them hand and foot. Sometimes that's just what rella's do , you know?

Anyway , to make a long story short ( too late for that ) the moral of this story is , LIFE IS NOT MUCH FUN IF YOU'RE ALL ALONE , oh and also , KISSING FROGS AIN'T WHAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE NO MATTER WHAT THE FAIRY TALES SAY. Anyway , so they went to West Virginia and had a good time , although Avarella was very tired when they got home , you know from scrubbing and cooking and yadayada , and they are still living happily ever after.................

but when they got home they discovered that there was an empty snack wrapper on the floor , some of her husbands clothes and a pair of shoes were missing , and the frog was gone..............

2008-06-17T01:15:00.001-05:00

It was a dark and stormy night....................

2008-06-17T00:47:00.003-05:00

the rain was pouring down , thunder roared and lightning flashed every 2 seconds. There was even hail. Now some might think that is perfect sleeping weather , and it was past midnight so it should have been. But I was having a hard time falling to sleep as I clung desperately to my inch of the bed. In my bed , not necessarily in this order , were , Husband , Cane , Jordan ,Booker (weiner dog ) lucky (cat ) ooh-la-faye (cat ) , and somebodys frog. I don't know who the frog belongs to ,as no one will claim him , for fear they will have to maintain him. They shouldn't worry about that though , cause I can't catch him , even if I wanted to feed him. I've tried to catch him for about a week. Believe me , if I could catch him , he wouldn't have been in my bed.
I had no idea that frogs were scared of storms.

There are two other beds in this house , as well as various couches , love seats and recliners. I should have got up and went to another bed , but I had this idea that if one of the boys woke up scared from the storm that mama should be there. So I clung on. First I tried lying on the side that I always go to sleep on , but there wasn't enough room for my whole side . So then I tried putting Canes leg over my hip , and Jordan's arm around my neck , while the cats and dogs snored at our feet. That didn't work either. So i carefully draped my legs over Canes body and that seemed to give me just enough room for my upper torso on my inch of the bed. Oh maybe I should tell you that we don't generally let all the animals sleep with us , this isn't a zoo you know , but as I said it was a dark and stormy night....and I guess we felt sorry for them. Besides, you ever tried to get cats to go outside in the middle of a thunderstorm? Anyway , finally, finally , I fell into a fitful sleep , about 4:45 am , and awoke (refreshed?) at 5:00 am when the alarm went off. I had a pounding headache , a permanent imprint of Jordans foot on my cheek (face cheek thank you!) and a strange bump on my arm that looked suspiciously like a wart.....................

Lord , please don't let it rain tonight.

Revenge

2008-06-12T00:48:00.003-05:00

Oh I can hardly wait until I get old. Well , I know I'm pretty old right now , but I mean when I get really , really old. I have lots of things planned for my children. They're gonna love it , I tell you! First of all , I'm gonna die my hair blue. Let em explain THAT to their friends! And definitely I'm going to live with them. Even if I can take perfectly good care of myself. And I'll rotate. Wouldn't want any of them to miss out on the fun.

Yes sir ree , I'm gonna have to have my own room of course , and I'll make them paint the walls black. And I'll have to have a tv, stereo , fridge and ipod in there cause you know all my friends have one and WHY CAN"T I?!! And I'm gonna pierce something , although I haven't decided what yet. When they go to the store I'm going to make them take me , and I'll have to have one of everything in the grocery store and of course I'll have to go the bathroom 15 times. Oh , it'll be so much fun. If I do it right , going for milk could take hours!

On the way there , I'll keep unbuckling my seat belt and if I'm feeling limber that day I may even climb up in the back window. If theres a cop behind us , I'll certainly throw my Depends out the window. Then I'll get carsick , and even if I don't actually throw up , I'll keep telling my son that I'm going to. I'll change the radio station 44 times before we get there , and he'll have to stop and let me go to the bathroom before we even get to the store. Oh and I have to have a puppy. Preferably one that someone is selling on the side of the road for 200 dollars.

When we go to church , that will be the best fun of all. I'm gonna wiggle and whisper and cough all the way through the sermon. And have to go to the bathroom. Oh , and pass gas. I'm gonna pass gas every where they take me , and laugh and giggle about it. When we go out to eat I'll run up and down the aisles and I think I'll even take my teeth out and lay them on the table. I tell you , it's gonna be so much fun I can hardly wait. Revenge is sweet.

Organization

2008-06-11T23:47:00.005-05:00

After reading many books and articles on the subject of organization I have decided to get my house in order . After much thought I have come up with two key concepts that I think will make everything much easier. They are : ( 1 ) Putting items near where they will be used and ( 2 ) Cutting out unnecessary steps. Ok , here's my plan :

I am going to throw away all lids to anything. No one ever puts lids back on , so this will eliminate me having to locate the lid ( toothpaste , ketchup , whatever ) and screw it back on. This will save a lot of time that can be better used elsewhere. Also , I am never going to fold clothes again , as the kids and husband just unfold them all , even if they are just looking for one shirt. So no more folding. And no more putting clothes away in drawers. In fact , when I take the boys clothes to their rooms , I'm just gonna walk in and dump them on the floor. Then I'm going to take all their toys and throw them out in the yard. That's where they leave them anyway , and this will free up lots of space. When I serve meals , I'm just gonna put it on the floor , cause from the looks of the carpet , that's where it's gonna wind up. This will eliminate the need to clean the table off. And also save on dirtying up dishes. Bet you thought I was gonna put the food in dishes BEFORE I put it on the floor , huh? HAH! We can just leave the crabs on the table from now on. When we take the Christmas tree down , I'm gonna take those lights and put them in the garbage right then. They won't work next year anyway , and I won't have to store them all year.

From now on , when we buy something new , I am either going to break it when we get it home or hide it. New items , particularly expensive video games , become lost as soon as we get them home anyway. As soon as I get up in the mornings I think I'll go through the house and throw all the towels on the floor , turn on all the lights , TVs , radios and video games , and pour the milk in the floor. This should save everyone a lot of time. I am also going to get a screwdriver and take down all the doors. Never again will I have to yell , " Shut the door"! Oh , and maybe I should pull all the boys baby teeth at once and get it over with. And I've decided to never make another bed. Hell , I think I'll just throw a blanket on there and throw the sheets on the floor. And for showers I've decided that while one boy is bathing in the tub , the other one can be bathing in the water that is going to get on the floor. Then after they're done , I'll just run in there with some wax , squirt it on the floor and slosh it around. Then the floor will be mopped and waxed.

I'm also gonna take the phone off the charger as soon as I get out of bed , so I won't have to wait all day for it to go dead. Never again , will it cut me off in the middle of an important phone call. I just won't have any important phone calls anymore. I'll dress the kids for school before they go to bed and strap their backpacks to them just before I turn off the light. And also tote 14 glasses of water in there all at once , so I don't have to make 14 trips.

I'll probably save days , if not weeks , of time each year by changing a few simple things. And it's so easy. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I think I'll start doing this professionally , you know , like Clean House or The Nanny! I may even become famous. Lets see : what could I call my show ? I've got it! " Trash this House". The commercial could say that I can teach you to trash your house with less time and money than ever before. Wow! I feel so much better now. If any of you need any organizational help , please feel free to write me at ava_collett@hotmail.com .
Oh , sorry , I've got to go. Some men with white coats on are at the door...........................

2008-06-09T05:33:00.002-05:00

Don't give up on me. I'll be posting soon. My ac is still out , and my brain is about fried (more so than usual). It's taking all my energy to keep the fans going. Literally , I have to keep moving them around because they keep throwing the breakers. But while I'm moving fans around in creative positions , my mind is busy composing stories , so I'll be back soon.............

In the heat of the moment

2008-06-04T23:22:00.003-05:00

Everyone knows not to go grocery shopping when you're hungry , but I discovered last night that you should not go when your hot and thirsty either. My central air quit about a week ago , and I've had three different companies look at it , and finally one of them told me it was dead. Has to be replaced. Cost $5,000 . So I've got to work on that , and believe me when I tell you ,that's gonna take some creative financing. So it was a hundred degrees in my house yesterday , so I took the kids swimming and then we went to the grocery store. I needed groceries but while I was there I started thinking about how hot it was at home. An hour later I checked out and my bill came to $86.00. Not bad for groceries , huh? Let me tell you what I got.

1 case of water
1 gallon of Arizona tea
1 quart of Lipton green tea with citrus
1 quart of pomegranate Arizona tea
1 12 pack of mountain dew
1 canister of pink lemonade mix
1 canister of yellow lemonade mix
1 six-pack of a&w root beer
1 snow cone maker
1 bottle of blue raspberry snow cone syrup
1 bottle of green apple snow cone syrup
4 bags of ice
1 bag of tortilla chips with a hint of lime ( I don't think I would have bought those but the lime sounded cool)

I think we'll be alright. Even though we have NO FOOD , you can go without food longer than you can go without water , and I think I've got that covered................................

Beauty tips for busy moms

2008-06-04T00:47:00.003-05:00

1. Choose a blow and go hairstyle. I'm not talking about one that you can use a blow dryer on. I'm talking about something even better! For example , with my hairstyle , I simply wash it in the shower and then dash out to the van. I roll all the windows down , roll the sunroof back and go! Aside from being a little chilly in the winter time , it's perfect. By the time I get to soccer practice ( or the grocery , dentist , school , whatever ) it's dry . It has that perfect sexy , tousled look (well ok , maybe not sexy , but certainly tousled). I tell you , it gives a whole new meaning to blow and go.

2. One size fits all. Ok , with this you have to be a little creative , but who cares. It saves money and makes getting dressed in the morning a snap. You can still wear these clothes if you're bloated , or slim , or in between diets. It doesn't matter. Just make sure you have a large assortment of safety pins, staples , belts and suspenders.

3. 24 hour lipgloss. This stuff is great. It really does stay on 24 hours , even though it tastes and feels like *hit. But no one ever said being beautiful was easy. The only thing I didn't like about it is the fact that when I'm wearing it , every time I walk through the room , my husband asks me where I'm going. And it's always there when you need it. One morning I had to run into Jordan's school and I had forgotten that I still had my pajamas on. But no matter. I may have been wearing spongebob , but I had lipstick on!

4. Bathe the dog while you shower. Saves a lot of time. But make sure that you don't get the shampoo mixed up.

5. If the haircolor bottle says , "leave on for 30 minutes , it does not mean 1 hour."

6. No smudge mascara does not make good finger paint. Ask Jordan.

7. Instant face lift in a bottle does not work. Not on you anyway. However , the price does cause a surprised look on your husbands face , which gives him a slightly more youthful (stupid) look.

8. Do not use one of those epi whatever hair yanking out thingys. They don't yank the hairs out , but rather s-t-r-e-t-c-h them , and you can't get loose of the *amn thing.........................

2008-06-01T00:16:00.000-05:00

Feeling kinda sentimental and mushy today...........

To my sons--Chris , Toby , Paul , Joey , Cane and Jordan.

2008-05-31T23:48:00.013-05:00

Before I had you boys , I was nobody special. That changed the moment they put the first one of you in my arms. I became someone to be looked up to. You looked up at me then because you were hungry and you knew I was your Mama. I would have that honor , that specialness 6 more times , and it would last me all my life. One or the other of you, were always looking up to me. You looked up to me because you wanted to be picked up , or because you were hurt , or because you just wanted me to carry you around. As years passed you looked up to me and begged tp stay home instead of going to school that first day. Or you looked out across the audience at a school play , to make sure that I was there. When you did something good , you looked to make sure I saw. And when you did something bad you looked to see if you had been caught! You looked for me in the mornings for clean socks and at night for supper. You looked for me when a girl broke your heart. As you were handed your diploma you looked out across the sea of faces and somehow found me and our eyes locked and we smiled. When you handed me my first grandchild you looked at me as if to say "Look at this beautiful gift I'm giving you Mama." When you had lung surgery , you looked up to me from the hospital bed for assurance that you would be ok. When you had pneumonia , you looked up in the middle of the night to make sure I was still there. When you got married you looked at me and smiled at the tears in my eye.

As the years passed you didn't need to look to me for as many things , and physically I have to look up to you! You still look for me when you need someone to talk to , or when you miss me or when you're lonely. When you have good news to share you look for me. Now you look at me with respect and when you look at me I know what you see. You see someone special . Not because I think I'm special , but because you think I'm special. I often wonder what I did to deserve such an honor. When I look into your eyes and see the love shining there I feel the same way I felt the first time I ever held you. And I want all of you boys to know that whenever you look for me , I will always be there. Even when I am no longer of this earth , close your eyes and remember that I loved you more than anything in this world , and that I will be forever in your heart.

Does anyone know how to........

2008-05-30T01:19:00.001-05:00

Do a strike through when you're posting and also is there anyway to make double columns? I can't find it on the templates.

A world without internet

2008-05-30T01:13:00.004-05:00

I posted this on 2peas so some of you may have read it before but if not.........here you go.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wake up because I have to go pee and pea , and notice that its still dark outside. I look at the clock and see that it's only 4:30 am , so I stumble to the bathroom for the first pee , then to the living room for the second pea. I figure I'll get a quick fix , and then go back to bed. But theres something wrong. There are big red letters on my computer screen thats says "THE INTERNET IS NOW OBSOLETE." I rub my eyes and roll my mouse around and look again and its still there, so I go back to bed sure that it will be ok in the morning. After all, the computer is always doing weird things that I don't understand and this is just another one.

So the next morning I wake up and think I remember part of some kind of crazy dream about the computer. I go to the kitchen and turn on the coffee , wondering why I didin't have to pee. Then I go to the computer , and OH MY GOD, it wasn't a dream. The big red letters are still there! I peep out the front door to see if the world has dissapeared and see all of my neighbors peeping out their doors. The air is filled with a strange silence, you know, like on a snowy day.

Well, I'm still fiddling with the computer ( beating on it and cursing it ) hours later, when I hear a news flash on tv , that says that indeed there is no more internet. So I go back to bed, because I can't really think of any reason to stay up. I drift back to sleep , but my 7 year old son wakes me up begging for breakfast. I stumble to the kitchen, feeling sick and disorientated and fix him something. Then I go back to the computer and stare at the *amn thing. I almost throw it out the door, in all it's useless glory. But I can't muster the energy.

I spend a couple of weeks crying and wandering aimlessly around the house. I can't think of anything to fix for supper , BECAUSE I CAN"T LOOK UP ANY RECIPES. I feel like I am growing dull and stupid because I have nothing to talk about , and have not learned anything new ,such as who stole lawn ornaments and whether I should be offended by something, or who hates wal-mart, in 2 WEEKS. I havn't put on my mineral makeup because I can no longer watch the pod cast instructions , and haven't been grocery shopping because I can't print any new coupons. I don't know if my friends are alive or dead because I can't even do email. I am a stranger in a strange land.

Then one day , out of shear boredom, I pick up a book. Doesn't matter what book, not important to the story. I begin to read. I read the whole thing in 2 hours. A light goes off in my head (not the same kind I used to get from computer eye strain). No, this is a different light. It is a light that tells me there may be hope.

Long story short (cause you know, you get a lot more done when you don't have internet). I read, I begin to paint again, I make the costumes for the entire 2nd grade play, I write a book that becomes a best seller. I realize that I'm glad that I didn't throw the computer out the door , because I wrote it on Word, with no internet. My house is always clean and I learned to cook from scratch. My family lost weight because we ride bikes everyday , and I no longer need the mineral makeup because I now have a healthy glow to my skin. I go to bed at 10 instead of 2 , and don't have to get up 4 times in the middle of the night to go pea. My puppy no longer has to pee on the floor , because we now have REAL newspapers , and I'm just so FRIGGING HAPPY I COULD CRY. Am I glad that internet is now obsolete? *ELL NO!

How not to talk to kids

2008-05-29T22:52:00.007-05:00

I guess by now you may have figured out that I talk too much and that half the time I don't know anything about what I'm talking about. But I do know a lot about kids. Well , boys anyway , since I have 6 of them. So I thought I'd give a little mini-course on how to talk to kids. Or maybe I should say , how NOT to talk to kids. No , I don't mean hiding from them or refusing to speak to them , as tempting as that may be at times. I mean , watch HOW you talk to them. Particularly those mom sayings , posed as questions , that every mom uses. Those kind of questions weren't really meant to be answered but little boys don't know this , and they're pretty honest with their answers. The other day , after doing something he shouldn't have and giving me some outlandish answer , I asked Cane , " Just how stupid do you think I am anyway?" He said , " well ,not real stupid , just kinda stupid." Of course I screamed , "What did you say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and he looked at me with his big blue eyes and said ,"but you asked me mama."

One day I also made the mistake of asking Jordan if he thought I was born yesterday. "No mama , I know you weren't born yesterday. You would be just a little bitty baby. You were born a longlonglonglonglonglong time ago weren't you mama? You're reallyreallyreallyreally old. You're older than any of my friends mama's. How come you're so old mama?" So I counted to 10 and then very calmly screamed "SHUTUP ALREADY JORDAN." So then he put on that hurt look and started whining "Jeez mama, you ASKED me and I was just trying to tell you. You asked me if I thought you were born yesterday and then you scream at me for answering .. I can't do anything right...you get mad if I don't answer you....you get mad if I do...........what do ya want me to do..I don't know what you want.....well fine , I won't answer you anymore............" "Shutup Jordan." I said through clenched teeth , as I pried the top off the Excedrin bottle. "Well fine , but don't ask me no more questions." I then tried to explain to him that I was only mad at him because he was mouthing off and he says , "I wasn't mouthing off. I was answering your question. You always said that I can talk to you about anything and we were having a discussion and if you don't want me to answer you then why do you ask me silly questions like do I think you were born yesterday..I thought you really wanted to know......but I guess you didn't so don't ask me no more..." Lord I love that child , but his mouth just won't quit. I don't guess I can punish him because I DID ask him.

You see where I'm going here? You just have to be really careful what you ask them. So ,due to my expertise , I thought I would compose a list of what not to ever ask .

DO NOT ASK LIST WITH POSSIBLE ANSWERS

1. How stupid do you think I am anyway? See above

2. Do you think I was born yesterday? See above

3. Do you want your face to freeze that way? This involved Jordan trying
to fit inside the freezer.

4. Were you born in a barn? Don't ask.

5. Do you think I'm made out of money? Yes.

6. What part of no don't you understand? The first part.

7. Who died and left you boss? If you die can I be the boss
cause Cane ain't gonna be
the boss a me

8. You have an answer for everything don't you? Yes, but you ask me too many.

9. How many times do I have to tell you? About 12.

10. Who do you think you are? If he's a worrier this could
lead to having to prove that
he wasn't adopted.

11. Who do you think you're talking too? If you ask this one he really
will think you're stupid.

12. What did I say the first time? He will repeat what you said
but he still won't do it.

13. Do you think money grows on trees? He will explain how money
doesn't grow on trees but
paper does and money is made
out of paper so he doesn't
see why he can't just make
his own.............

14. Do you want to live in a pigsty? This could cause a temper
tantrum about why he can't
have a pig.
16. If everyone else jumped off a bridge
would you jump too? Are they going swimming? or
Is it on fire?

What goes up must come down.............

2008-05-28T00:07:00.007-05:00

but what falls down ain't never going up again. I'm talking about my body. Take my boobs for instance. Guess what? The bigger they are the harder they fall. That is a true saying. Oh yea , I was young once , with perky breasts , slim hips and flat tummy. Well OK, I never had a flat tummy but at least it LOOKED like a tummy. Now it just kinda looks like a.....beached whale or something. And it's true that you don't miss something till it's gone . Like my teeth.

Another thing. I used to be able to see my knees. I haven't seen them in about 8 years now. I assume they are still there , as I can still walk. I realize I may sound like a decrepit old woman . But it's just that I have quit trying so hard.I no longer feel like I have to have makeup on to get the mail. And take shaving my legs , for instance. I used to be able to zip that hair off both those babies in just a few minutes. Now , by the time I get one leg shaved , I'm so tired that I don't do the other one. I figure I'll do it the next night. But by then , a lot has happened and I'm even more tired , so I don't get around to it for about a month. By then , the first leg needs shaving again and , well , you get the picture. I haven't had them both shaved at the same time since Jordan was born. That would work out perfectly if they would start making Capri's with one long leg and one short leg. Then dressing would be easy. Each morning , I would just have to choose either a long right leg , or a long left leg pair to wear. Speaking of shaving , I just realized that I can't remember the last time I shaved under my arms. OMG , the way my life goes , it may have been years..........

Dressing used to be pretty easy. I could throw on just about anything and look pretty good. Now I have to decide if I want something that makes my stomach look flatter , or something to lift my bosoms , or something to hide my flabby arms. Or maybe a turtleneck to hide my neck. Trying to camouflage all of those areas at the same time is just too *amn uncomfortable , so I pick one each morning. I figure , if I try to move in different circles each day , no one will catch on and figure out that I'm falling apart , as they will only be exposed to a few horrible body parts at one time , as opposed to all at once.

Speaking of body parts , I once had a man tell me that I had a cute butt. He said it was shaped like a heart. I now realize that he was probably talking about one of those big , puffy hearts. I never was underweight. That's another thing I've given up. Dieting. I try to eat right , but I can't do diets anymore. I had to do too many at a time cause I didn't get enough food on one. And I take vitamins. I take one for my skin , and one for my hair. Then I have to take something for my inside body parts. And something for my bones. Then something for my brain ( I can't see where that one helps much ). Oh and a one-a-day something or other for ENERGY. Problem is , I have to take them at night , cause if I take them during the day they make me sick. And then I STILL feel like *ell the next morning , so I guess I use up all the energy at night snoring. And since The brain ones don't work all that well , I have to leave myself a note on the fridge to remind myself to take them. I dread the day when I forget. I'm afraid that I'll turn to dust , like something from Tales from the Crypt.

Vacation

2008-05-26T23:29:00.006-05:00

Gosh , school is almost out and my husband has started that thing he does every year. He starts talking about wanting to go on a VACATION. Better known as TORTURE. And guess where he wants to go? West Virginia. We live in ARKANSAS for Pete's sake , and West Virginia is 19 hours from here. Like I am going to put myself in a vehicle with him , two boys aged 7 and 8 , and a weenie dog. Not gonna happen. Last time we went to Wal-Mart , I had to stop on the way and get Excedrin.

I love my family dearly , and would love to take a nice , fun-filled vacation with them , but I wasn't born yesterday , and I know how those things go. It would be pretty much like Chevy Chase's Vacation , without the happy ending. We went on vacation.........once. I promised God that if he got me back home safely and with all my sense , that I would never , ever do anything foolish like that again. Same way I promised (whimpered , cried and screamed ) on a roller coaster once. Haven't been back on one of those either.

OK, so the time we went on vacation , I started getting ready 2 weeks ahead of time. I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect , and that the boys looked adorable , and that we had plenty of snacks , and that Booker (weenie dog) had a nice clean crate , and that the house was clean before we left , and that the outside cats had plenty of food and water , and that ....................oh *ell , you get the picture. Anyway , so the day of departure , I load the van , get the kids in , get Booker in , and Mr. Wonderful , wanders out of the bedroom and says , "Are we ready?" Why *ell yea we're ready , no thanks to you. But I don't say that , cause this is gonna be a NICE TRIP NO MATTER FRIGGIN WHAT AND I AM ALREADY IN A BAD MOOD AND SO TIRED I CAN"T HARDLY STAND UP! So what I say is , "Yes honey , we're ready."

So off we go and I fall asleep as soon as he starts the motor , and am JERKED awake by "MAMA I GOTTA GO TO THE BATHROOM!" I sit up , blink my eyes and swear I feel better after that little nap , and my husband says , "So do you want me to just back down the drive way and let him go inside and use it. " Well, gee I guess so unless you want him to go behind a bush , I think , wondering if the 10 second nap between front door and end of driveway will do me any good at all. So we tell Cane that he has to go use it too , cause we are not going to be stopping for awhile , and of course Cane says he doesn't have too, but of course Booker does, so we get out , take the crate out , take the weenie dog out , and he just stands there. WHY won't dogs go if you're looking at them. They'll do ANYTHING else when you're looking , lick privates , do you know what to the furniture or another dog. They'll even do that in front of the kids , and then you have to explain to the kids what their doing , BUT THEY WON"T GO POTTY IN FRONT OF YOU.

Anyway , I'm off the subject. So back in the van and off we go. I fall asleep once more. I'm awakened by the feeling that someone is staring at me so I slowly open one eye , while at the same time closing my mouth , and guess what? We're on the freeway and theres a guy right next to us , keeping pace , and I don't know how long he's been looking at me sleeping with my mouth open , but probably awhile because him and his girlfriend are laughing uncontrollably. *hit! "How far are we?" I ask , wiping the drool off my chin. "10 miles ." he says. OH MY GOD.

And now the boys start , "mamamakehimleavemealonehowmuchfartherigottapeeimhungryandheainttheBOSS-A-ME!
Then the dog starts to howl. Do you really blame him? I would howl myself if the guy in the next lane wasn't still looking at us. My husband is hunched over the steering wheel like a madman , and that muscle (you know the one) in his jaw is twitching.

So 5 hours ,4 fights ,13 bathroom breaks, and 2 and a half (don't ask) food breaks later , we pull into Little Rock. That's right , I said Little Rock. We were just going on an 80 mile trip to kinfolks to have a little mini vacation. Yea right ,does he seriously think I'm going to WEST VIRGINIA?

Spa Day

2008-05-15T08:21:00.002-05:00

So today I didn't have to be at work , so I thought I'd treat myself to a spa. Not the real 'go to the spa' spa , ( I'm to po for that ) but a SPA DAY at home. Let me see if I have every thing I need:

Monistat gel
Goats Milk ( don't ask me where I got it )
Preperation H
2 cucumber slices
oatmeal
peanut butter
2 slices of bread ( I think I read somewhere about rubbing peanut butter on some body part , but I've got the bread just in case)
mayonaise
a candle

Well, thats all I can think of that I might need. If you have any suggestions of something else , please let me know. If I use it I will write the review here! Well , I'm off to the spa (bathroom). I'll keep you posted on how everything smooths , I mean, turns out.

Hi everyone......

2008-05-14T00:37:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to take a moment to thank all of you who take the time to read my stories , and also those of you who comment.It's exciting each time I read a new comment because then I know that there are really people out there reading my stories. As you know, I'm new to this blogging thing and hope to learn how to make my blog more interesting to look at. Don't know a thing about the graphics and such but trying to learn. Anyway , goodnight and hope everyone has a wonderful tommorrow.

Our adventure to the storm shelter

2008-05-12T23:27:00.003-05:00

Well , you know , there have been a lot of storms and tornadoes lately , and I've been worried because we don't have a storm shelter. I don't have the money to build one right now, so I thought I would borrow one. Well, not to bring here , although I would if I thought anyone would let me , but one that we could GO to and use , if need be. So I noticed one down on the end of the highway about a mile from here , beside a big brick house. I stopped there Saturday and asked the man that came to the door if we could use it if we needed to. He said sure , anytime. Well, I was exhilarated. I felt better just knowing that we had a storm shelter to go to.Little did I know.............

Anyway , storms were brewing all that day and I was paying close attention to the weather and getting things ready in case we had to make a run for it. I had blankets by the door , water bottles , jackets and flashlights in a bag , and I made sure that every ones shoes were by the door. I had the cell phone charged. I was as ready as I would ever be. Sure enough , the weather man gave the signal that our town was under a tornado watch so I told my husband that I had borrowed the use of the storm shelter down the road , and that we probably should go. He said , "I bet its dirty in there." Lord have mercy. Then he said , "I bet theres spiders in there." Well, heck , I never thought that maybe I should go down there ahead of time and make it all nice and homey for him. I mean , I wasn't planning on us staying there very long , you know.

Just about then ,the phone rang and it was one of my sons telling me that they had put everybody in the locker room at the plant he worked at. I told him we were fixing to go to the storm cellar. Then I had to tell him what storm cellar I was talking about. Ok , so I gathered the boys and picked up the water , blankets ,jackets and dog when , guess what? Yeah, the phone rang. So I sat it all down (again) and answered. It was one of my daughter-in-laws. She said ,"Theres a tornado watch so you better go to that storm cellar you were telling me about." I tell you , I had to bite my tongue. "We are." I said. "Well , when are you going, shouldn't you be going now?" I assured her that we should, and would do so , as soon as I got off the phone.

Ok , so round up the boys again , pick up all the stuff , and start out to the truck. Oh wait , I forgot my husband. He didn't know we were going cause he was back in the bedroom because we still haven't found the snake (wink wink). So I tell him , "We are going to the storm cellar now. It may be a little dirty , but it'll be ok. Are you going with us or are you staying here?" "Well, I guess I'll go too." he says. As usual, he's watching tv in his boxers. So he has to get dressed . But I have to find his clothes because he is INCAPABLE of dressing himself. So I sit all the **mn *h*t down on the floor again so I can get his clothes for him , and by now I am getting slightly irritated , if you know what I mean.

Finally,finally , we're ready and we all traipse out to the truck. After were sitting there and husband is cranking it up , my grandson says ,"Why are you bringing the weeny dog and not the cats?" OH MY GOD I COULD HAVE SCREAMED. but I didn't. I calmly explained that cats had a much better chance than dogs in a storm. Grandson asked me why. I told him because the cats would go under the back porch and the dog would run around in the yard barking. Well , grandson asked me what difference does it make if they are under the porch , if they're sucked out of there? I thought for a minute, while my husband kept asking over and over , what do you want me to do , what do you want me to do, over and over until I had to tell him to SHUTUP. "Timmy," I said "I would never be able to catch them. We probably can't even find them , they're probably off in the woods." He calls me DoeDoe. "DoeDoe, they're siting right by the truck looking at us." I peered out the window and sure enough, there they were, both of them , looking at us all pitiful. "Ok,Ok," I muttered, hoping and praying that he won't mention the snakes and crabs. So I take the **mn *h*t off my lap and sit it in the floor and get out and get the cats ,and jump in the truck with them.........

AND OH SWEET LORD IN HEAVEN, do you know what two cats can do to you when you throw em in a loud truck in the middle of a thunderstorm? If you don't , I hope you never have to find out. Well anyway , off we go. I have a sneaking suspicion that the tornado warning may be over by now , but after going through all that I AM GOING TO THE STORM SHELTER OR ELSE! Anyway , so we arrive at the storm shelter, and get out, very carefully because we have to make sure that none of the animals escape out of our arms. We walk over to the storm shelter and then all of a sudden we're slipping and sliding and falling , because the concrete pathway leading to it is covered with the slimiest mud you ever slid on in your life. Boy we must have looked a sight , sliding around out there with the boys hollering and cats spitting and meowing and the dog barking , and my husband said "I told you it was probably dirty," I swear he did , right there and then , when I could barely even stand up , so hitting him was not an option right at that moment.

But anyway, we finally get in the shelter and turn around to close the door and IT DIDN"T HAVE A DOORKNOB. I swear I'm telling the truth, and it opens to the outside so we couldn't shut the **&*(**& thing. Well, I thought I had read that you had to shut and latch them or you could be sucked out. It was a pretty big storm shelter , but I made us all huddle in the corner so if there was any sucking going on we could hold on to each other.And do you know what else not being able to shut the door meant? It meant that we had to HOLD the cats and dog. Thats right , we couldn't put them down cause they would run out (if they had any sense at all) and get in the highway. And they were pretty upset by now , I can tell you. Oh boy....anyway we sat there for about 15 minutes, with the dog barking and the cats yowling and my husband and I bickering back and forth about how we were gonna get mud in his truck , and he told me so , and hes pretty sure there ARE spiders in there , until Timothy told us to shutup. Things happen to you when you're under stress , and even though he was the child and we were the adults we did what he said. Imagine how we must have sounded down in there , to anybody that might have been passing by.

We sat there for another 10 minutes or so and I figured that it might be safe by now , so I asked Timothy to call daughter-in-law and see if the warning had been lifted. "I didn't bring the phone." he said . "Well, why do you think I wanted you to charge it?" Well he told me how he was just a kid and I didn't tell him to bring it. That I was the adult and I should have made sure that I brought it if I wanted it and yada yada yada. Then I made up my mind . It was time to go home. I hoped the warning was lifted , but if it wasn't I was going to take my chances with the storm. I'm pretty sure , if anyone had seen was staggering back into the house , all muddy and bleeding from cat scratches , they would have thought we had been hit.And Cane said "Mama, are we gonna have to go down there everytime it rains?"

Missing Mama

2008-05-08T00:32:00.005-05:00

My mother passed away 17 years ago. 17 years.........man thats hard to believe.I remember her face like it was yesterday , yet I miss her like I haven't seen her in a hundred years.How can I begin to describe her. She was tall , had red hair and a wacky sense of humour. She always reminded me of I love Lucy. She would do crazy things just like Lucy. She would give a stranger the shirt off her back , but boy if she thought you had done something wrong , she would chew you up and spit you out. She was mostly self taught as she had to leave school when she was just a little girl , to help raise her brother and sister. But she was a very smart lady. She never worked for anyone else ,because she always had her own business going. Sometimes a clothing store or an auction , sometimes a nightclub. At times she was very well off , but when she died she really didn't have anything , because over the years she had given it all away. When I was growing up , she always had someone staying in our house , because they had fallen on hard times. She never met a stranger and every one in our town knew her , from the very rich to the poorest.She made me laugh all the time , sometimes when I shouldn't.

My daddy was a truck driver ,so he was gone for long periods of time. It always felt like it was just me and mama. She taught me so many things. From her I get my sense of humour, my compassion , and my stuborness. Her favorite saying was 'don't sweat the small stuff'.Sometimes I hear people complaining about their mothers and it makes me sad. I wish mine were still here. No one , absolutely no one will ever take the place of your mother, No one else really cares if your tired or sick or hurt , like your mother does. And even if you're 50 years old , she will still pet you and make you feel like her little girl.

Tommorrow , I will take out the letters that I wrote to her on Mothers day , many years ago. When she passed away , I found them , tucked away ,with other things that were precious to her. I'll read them and cry a little bit , but then I'll thing of something really funny she did and I won't be able to keep from smiling.

Yes,I will miss my mama tomorrow , but I won't be sad. My boys will all either come visit tommorrow , or call. With each 'I love you mama' that I hear , I will remember who taught me how to be a mother. Thank you for all that you taught me and all that I have become. I miss you mama. Happy Mothers Day.

The Tooth Fairy

2008-05-05T22:23:00.002-05:00

Some things get easier the more you do it , but being the tooth fairy isn't one of them. I have been the tooth fairy for 30 years , and I'll tell you , it's not all it's racked up to be. Oh sure , it SOUNDS glamorous. Sparkly wings , beautiful dresses , and a little silver wand. HA! Try flannel pjs , spongebob crocs and somebodys t-shirt , depending on which one you grab. When I had my first little boy 35 years ago , I had stars in my eyes thinking about all the party's I'd plan , cookies I would bake and costumes I would make. When I had my last little boy 7 years ago ,the only thing in my eyes were my contacts cause I was too tired to take them out , and that stuff you get in there when YOU NEVER GET ENOUGH SLEEP AND KNOW YOU ARN"T GOING TO EVER GET ENOUGH FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

Anyway so I have been playing the Easter bunny ,tooth fairy and Santa Claus for 35 years. The first 30 years or so was kinda fun , but after awhile it gets old , let me tell you. I mean , what is fun about sneaking into your kids bedroom in the middle of the night and getting attacked by their dog? You ever try to find a baby tooth at 3 0'clock in the morning.....in the dark......while being mauled by a weenie dog? Not an easy job , I tell you. And sometimes I can't find the *amn tooth! Of course I leave the money anyway , and stagger back to bed , hoping and praying that the tooth will get forever lost , or the dog will eat it or something. So I'm lying there sound asleep , dreaming that I had big floppy ears , a white beard and wings , when I'm JERKED awake by , "MAMA THE TOOTH FAIRY DIDN"T TAKE MY TOOTH!WHY DIDN"T SHE WANT MY TOOTH MAMA?" (I should let you know that Jordan never says anything quietly. I guess he thinks that because I am OLD , I am also hard of hearing.) This is followed by sobs and wails as I lay there trying to figure out what to tell him. I can't tell him that she couldn't find it in the dark , because , well you know , she's MAGIC and can do anything. "Well, did she leave you money?" I ask. "YES MAMA, BUT SHE DIDN'T TAKE MY TOOTH! SHE DOESN"T LIKE ME." Well what could I say to that? So I said the only thing I could think of. "Oh no honey. The tooth fairy loves you. In fact , she thought that you have been such a good boy , that she decided to let you use the tooth twice!" "You mean I can get money for it again?" "Sure you can." I (*umb*ss) said.

Now I've got to do the whole friggin thing over again tonight , weenie dog and all.And when his brother gets wind of this , you can bet I'll have to pay him twice too. Oh and just wait until he tells all the kids at school. I bet I get a lot of nasty notes from mothers. I tell you, I'd retire if I could find anybody else stupid enough to do the job.

Sundried tomatoes

2008-04-28T22:32:00.004-05:00

Tonight I want to talk about sun dried tomatoes. Or termaters , as we call them here in Arkansas."OH GAWD" , I can hear you say. She has run out of things to write about and now she wants to talk about termaters! But I haven't. I have a lot to say about a lot of STUFF! Just ask my husband. Anyway ,I have had sundried flavored things before , but never any real sun dried tomatoes. Until today. I love them , but I feel like I shouldn't. Have you ever SEEN a sun dried tomato? In oil? Maybe they should be called sun ROTTED tomatoes, because they do look like someone let them lay out in the sun until they rotted. And they are slimy. I love them anyway. I ate half the jar already.

SO I called my son , Toby , and asked him if sun dried tomatoes are actually rotten tomatoes. He said "NO Mom , they are sun DRIED tomatoes." I said , "But how can you be sure?" "Because they don't sell rotten food ,Mom." HA! I start to say , but decide to let it go. He's young....he'll learn. Anyway , as I was saying , today was the first time I had an actual sun dried tomato , instead of just some food that someone rubbed some up against. I ate them straight out of the jar. I rolled them up in a flour tortilla and ate them. I ate them on crackers. I ate them until they made my husband sick. He begged me to stop and made me promise I would brush my teeth before bed. ( I swear I do anyway!)

I had wanted to try them before , but they were so expensive! Have you seen how much they cost? Like at least 6 bucks a jar! Well , I found these at one of the one dollar stores ,you know where everything is , yep , one dollar. OMG , maybe these really are rotten , now that I think about it. Well I guess that's it for the termater post. Stay tuned for more product reviews..............

The new 30

2008-04-27T11:52:00.004-05:00

Well they say that 50 is now the new 30! Who in *ELL did they talk to that told them that? It sure wasn't me. I get so tired that this body doesn't feel like the new 30 , it feels more like the old 60. I mean everytime I get still , I fall asleep. Which means that sometimes , you may read stuff on here that makes no sense what-so-ever. If you do , please don't send me hate mail. Just feel sorry for me and hope I'll do better next time.

I carried the kids to see 'Horton hears a Who' the other day. At least the kids SAID he heard a who , but I couldn't swear to it. I never heard it. Which worries me cause now I have to also worry about my hearing going. Oh no wait, I fell asleep. THAT"S why I didn't hear it. Whew! Well, I tried to stay awake really I did. But 50 year old people arn't SUPPOSED to be running around eating candy pancakes at IHOP and trying to hear if Horton heard a Who. They are supposed to be laying on the couch eating bonbons (what are bonbons anyway) and figuring out what timeshare they want to buy. My body is not built for sprints between soccer fields and 30 LOADS OF LAUNDRY A DAY! and no one my age should have to dry a dog , fix breakfast , catch crabs , and spray the cat , while talking on the phone. It is degrading.

Really, I was glad that my hearing wasn't going. I wouldn't want to miss a moment of those precious little voices saying (screaming) , "MAMA HE HIT ME!" MAMA'HE AIN"T THE BOSSA ME! MAMAMAMAMAMA!" They say having kids when you're older keeps you young. Don't believe them. Whoever THEY are ,they are liars. Everyone of them. Or men. Or both.

Another thing, if I repeat myself, please be kind and just skip over that part. My sister and I tell each other the same stories over and over. We used to be too polite to say anything , but we got so *amn tired of hearing the same thing over and over , so now we just interupt and say , "You already told me that. Twice." No one gets their feelings hurt , because by the next day we've forgotten that we said that , and it starts all over again.........

If I can find the goat.............

2008-04-26T00:17:00.001-05:00

So I read about using the Monistat gel on the face and was trying to research that when I came across an article that SWORE that if you take a bath in goats milk , your skin will be restored to a smooth (pre-6 boys) baby softness.So thinking about my body being smooth again got me to thinking about what could I do for these BAGS under my eyes. So I looked that up. Preparation H was reccommended! So I'm sitting here weighing my options. Would I rather have bags under my eyes , or would I rather have them PUCKERED like a you -know-what hole? I can't decide: then I get a scary thought. What if it doesn't work and I wind up with PUCKERED BAGS under my eyes? I mean , I can't find anyone that has ever actually ever tried it, you know? It's very tempting. To be bag free would be a dream come true! Well, if I can find that damn goat that came in the house the other day , I'll take a soak and think about it. Does anyone here know how to milk a goat............

Along came Jordan

2008-04-25T10:08:00.009-05:00

Remember how the doctor had told me that Cane was a change of life baby? So 13 months later Jordan was born. Wait, that makes it sound simple and easy. Not hardly. First of all , I had to listen to the doctors progess reports again.(Jamacain , remember?) "Boy, this is gonna be a itsy , bitsy , teeny , weeny bebe." He would then hold out 2 fingers in a pinching motion ,to show me just how teeny. The doctor informed that this baby was also a boy , because he "Sure had some big KA-HOO-NAS." I had no idea what kahoonas were and I was afraid to ask. Finally, a light went off in my head. He was using the plural form , and I could think of nothing else that kahoonas would apply too. So , once again , I begged for him to stop with the progress reports , because THIS time, I had begun to have nightmares of giving birth to a midget , with giant bal-I mean kahoonas dragging the ground , while wearing a yellow polka dot bekini. Oh My God. Wonder I have a hair left on my head. Believe me, stress DOES make your hair fall out ,but thats a whole nuther story.So anyway , since I had a c-section last time , they scheduled one for this time. So the big day comes and I check in to the hospital and when the guy comes in to give me the gas , guess who it is? That's right, Mr. "Give me your teeth." Like I said. he was just a kid , younger than some of my boys , so I figure I'll set him straight right away and we won't have any problems this time. So I look him dead in the eye and say "Don't say nothing about my teeth , and I won't whip your *ss." He must have believed me cause he left my teeth alone. My sister says I did ok in the delivery room , except I looked like hell and kept mumbling "Make sure you tie my tubes.......make sure you tie my tubes."

Just wanted to say........

2008-04-24T00:44:00.000-05:00

Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I'm amazed and grateful that ya'll find my stories worth reading. This blog thing is really fun. I had tried to set one up last year , but had no one to help , like you all have helped, so I never even made the first post. Besides for my boys and to pretend to look for the snake , I now have ANOTHER reason to get up in the mornings. Who could ask for anything more?!

Raising Cane

2008-04-23T21:39:00.000-05:00

I was 44 years old when the doctor told me I was expecting. "Expecting what?" I asked , hoping for the lottery or maybe a raise. "Expecting a bebe." he answered , in his Jamaican accent.Do you know what the difference in hearing that when you're 44 and when you're 20 is? 24 years , THAT'S what the difference is! Oh Lord, I think my life flashed before my eyes. So the doctor assured me that this was a change of life baby and it would never happen again. Which is why I had another one 13 months later.

So as I went about my pregnancy , people would look at me and whisper and I thought they were saying things like , "AWWW- look at her. That's so sweet. She's so brave." Then I realized that they were saying stuff like ," Look at her...shes an idiot." I didn't care though. I had found out that the baby was a boy and I was beginning to be excited about it. But the doctor kept telling me ,"Boy this is gonna be a bigga bebe." He would gesture with his arms and stretch them out as far as they would go , to show me just how big. Finally, I wept and begged him to stop giving me updates on the baby's progress , as I had begun to have nightmares about giving birth to grown men.

My grown sons hated to go any where with me. They said it was embarrassing. They said that kids liked to pretend that their parents don't and had NEVER had s*x , and that it was pretty hard to pretend that if I weighed 200 lbs and walked with a waddle. My oldest son went to Wal-mart with me one day , and he made me walk 6 ft behind him. He said that he was afraid people would think I was his girlfriend.

So when you're my age , and your water breaks and you have to go to the hospital , the people there look at you funny too. Even though water is running on the floor, you weigh 200 lbs ,and you are screaming in pain while choking your husband , they look at you like you're not REALLY fixing to give birth. So I wound up having to have a c-section for the first time. I guess the thing don't stretch like it used to , but I would have thought it would be r-e-a-l-l-y stretched by now, if you know what I mean.And before I went in the delivery room they kept trying to get me to give them my teeth. I TOLD them they were mine, damnit , and the smart aleck kid that was giving me the gas, whispered that he would get them after I was out. I told him I'd sue his *ss.

Boy let me tell you, things have changed since I had a baby last. I mean , they have DRUGS now! Can you believe it? Well, everything came out alright , and when I woke up the first thing I did was make sure I still had my teeth. Then I decided that I wanted to try breast feeding. I had never tried to before and knew this would be my last chance (I thought.)Well, let me tell you, anyone that tells you that it just comes natural and that it's easy are either men , or liars. Or both. It wasn't easy and I don't want to talk about it. I had a lot of help though. But I will tell you that it is quite a shock to look down and see three hands on your breast, and none of them match. But anyway , between me and my sister and my husband and the flower delivery person, we managed to get him latched on. Then it took almost that many to get him latched OFF! I worried the whole time that I breast fed. I worried that he wasn't getting enough , because I couldn't SEE it going in, you know. I did it for 5 months though, which they say is a good start. Then my oldest son told me that maybe my breast' were just too OLD , so I gave up the good fight , with guilty relief. Turns out , Cane didn't care WHERE he got it , just so long as he got it.

Oooh-la-faye

2008-04-23T20:14:00.000-05:00

This is one of our cats. Don't look at me like that! I'm not the one that named her.

The guy that jumped up on the chair.

2008-04-23T20:12:00.001-05:00

A few pictures.

2008-04-23T19:36:00.000-05:00

I will post later tonight when I have more time.

Good morning Everybody!

2008-04-23T07:12:00.000-05:00

Well, I said good morning everyone. But who am I kidding. I know no one is reading this yet cause no one knows I'm here! Anyway , if there is anyone here, what do ya'll have on right this minute? I have on lime green pj pants with blue polka dots , a purple t-shirt and pink crocs. And oh yea, my hair is red. Now if that won't open your eyes in the morning , I don't know what will!

2008-04-23T06:32:00.000-05:00

Ok , so my grandson (he's 15 and lives with us) came home from his dads with a snake in a jar. He asked if he could keep it and I , being the wonderful person that I am said, "Not no, but HELL no." Well, he looked so sad (my grandson,not the snake) that I decided to let him keep it. Because after all, thats what being a boy is all about right. And these are the best years of his life (never mind that it's taking years off of mine) their only young once , blah,blah ,blah. So I let him keep it.

Anyway, my husband is even more scared of snakes than I am. I once saw him run out of the house screaming,all because of a little ole lizard Jordan brought in. Anyway , so my husband comes home and he says (screams) "Why do you have a snake in a jar?" Well, I told him cause the pet store was closed and we can't get an aquarium until tommorrow. He says, "But ya'll can't keep it. Now I really mean it this time. I didn't say too much about the pig , and I don't even want to talk about the tarantula , but NO SNAKES." I told him that I couldn't agree more,cause I don't like em either. So the next day when we went to the pet store to get the aquarium the woman told us we also had to have a mouse, a warm rock, some sand and a water dish. So I can't believe I paid 80 bucks to keep a snake I didn't even want.

Well, anyway , I think that Timmy is gonna put him in his room and I'll never have to look at him again,right? Is that what you think happened? Hell no, he put him right here by the computer. Why? So that the snake can keep him company while he plays his computer game. Ok, I'm getting off the subject. So Timmy sets the snake up in his new home , and I'm trying to come up with a story for my husband of why we still have the snake. So my husband comes home, sees the snake in the aquarium and starts screaming about how he BEGGED me not to keep the snake , and how he will never be comfortable in his own home , and yada-yada-yada. Well, I didn't say nothing , because what could I say?

So I began to notice that the snake goes under the sand everytime my husband walked by. Husband did not notice this, as he refused to look at him anymore. Probaly the snake was scared because of all the screaming and weeping , and figured that when the MAN human was near, that he should hide.

Ok, so next morning,my husband gets up and goes straight to the snake house, I guess to see if I had a change of heart and let him go. So I'm trying to drink my coffee and my husband say, "So you let the snake go?" All I said was, "No." and OMG , I never heard such screaming in my life. Made me drop my coffee cup. "WHERE IS HE THEN? HE"S NOT IN HERE!! HE"S GONE-HE'S GONE! WHERE IS HE?" Well , not being in too good of a mood , cause I never got to drink my coffee , I decide to play along. I jumped up on the nearest chair (keep in mind that I knew the snake was under the sand) screaming , "FIND HIM-FIND HIM!!"

Well hell, my husband jumped up on a chair too. My husband is 6 foot 4 and 200 lbs, but any notion I might have ever had about him protecting me went right out the window.So while we stood on the chairs and had a discussion about how the snake would have had to CHEW through the glass to get out, I decided not to tell him that he was under the sand. EVER. Anyone that believes that a snake can chew through glass and then repair the hole, deserves what ever he gets. Finally, my husband got off the chair , told me that I had ,"BETTER find that snake before he got home." and left for work. So I went and made another cup of coffee , and sat and watched the snake crawl out from under his sand. I got such a kick out of that , that I almost like the snake now.

That was about 2 months ago. I never told my husband that the snake was still in there, and the snake has never let him see him. Everyday , when my husband comes in the door he says, "Did you find the snake?" I shake my head sadly , and my husband goes to our bedroom. He watches TV back there now. Maybe he thinks its A SAFE PLACE. You should see my husbands eyes dart around......awww I shouldn't say that cause that sounds like I'm making fun. I was gonna tell him, really I was , but one day just kinda lead to another, and now I'm scared to tell him. I don't know what he'll do to me.

2008-04-23T06:03:00.001-05:00

Mom to the wild things said the trap will hold 40,000 flies. There were only 5 or 6 in the house. To think I went through all that for 6 flies.Well, the possum is gone and so is the trap. I guess he carried it with him. Good riddance.

2008-04-23T06:02:00.001-05:00

Ok , one more thing , then I'm gonna stop , I swear. I am so mad at the company that made this damn bag of stench from hell, and I'm mad at wal-mart for selling such a thing. I KNOW thats irrational. I KNOW that I'm the one that opened it wrong. I don't care. I'm still mad. They should have a big red warning on it , you know, about how bad it smells and about possums and such.And......they say wal-mart will take back anything , and I feel like taking the thing back up to wal-mart. Not for the 4 bucks, but for the principal, you know. But I'd have to carry the damned possum too. OK, I'm done, I promise.

2008-04-23T06:00:00.001-05:00

Oh yes , theres more. I didn't tell ya'll this part yet , but sometime today , my central air went out , and the repairman can't come until tom. It's 81 outside, and inside it says it's 89. So here I was with my stinky, SWEATY *ss. Ok, so I finally got the stink off, but as I mentioned ,there is a possum rolling around on that stinky bag in the yard. I kid you not. He won't go away. I threw a shoe at him and he just turned around and looked at me . So the *amn bag is lying out there, with the possum on it, and now I have to have my window open to try to get some air in this hot *ss house. How far did I throw the bag? Not far enough , I'll tell you , because every time a breeze comes through the window , so does the stench. And the sound of the possum grunting in bliss. So this is how I've got to try to sleep tonight. IF I manage to go to sleep despite the smell, will the possum try to come in the window? And I swear , if my husband wakes up and asks me what that smell is ,I'm gonna tell him he farted in his sleep.(I'm not in a very good mood) And if he dares ask me about the possum, I'm gonna say "What possum? I don't see a possum ......you must be having a nightmare".....................

2008-04-23T05:58:00.000-05:00

I didn't know it was gonna smell like that or I would have never put it in the house. Hell, if I'd have known it was gonna smell like that I'd have left it at Wal-mart. About the time I realized how bad it smelled , was just about the same time it hit me in the face. I think I've got the smell off of me now and out of the house, thanks to all yall's suggestions. I can still smell it a little, but think that's up my nose, and am considering snorting vinegar next............. so I threw the *#stard thing out in the yard and now I see theres a possum rolling around out there on it. This has been a loooooooooong day................

2008-04-23T05:53:00.000-05:00

OH-MY-GOSH!! Ok, so I live in the country , down the road from a chicken house, and in warm weather flies are a problem. Tried the sticky strip , and got it wrapped around my head, all up in my hair.well that's another story, for another day. Anyway , so I see this fly trap at wal-mart that says just fill with water and keep flies away. I think, well I can do that! So I buy it and get it home and in my haste to make my home fly free, I tear open the package and THEN read the directions. They start out with.READ CAREFULLY BEFORE OPENING. So I knew I was in trouble. You're supposed to suspend this thing in this bag of water and when you add the water it activates this fly attractant stuff.Well, so I tape the bag back up and fill it with water and oh so carefully , begin to hang it in my laundry room. So far so good. So I'm looking up, hanging it when..I know you know what happens next. Yea, it busted. That stuff pours down on me and oh my God , I can't begin to describe the smell.

Well, it's worse than any *hit I EVER smelled in my life , with some dead dog and dead fish thrown in for good measure. And it's all over me. So does the stuff wash off? Of course not. IT WON"T COME OUT. THE SMELL WON"T GO AWAY. What am I gonna do? Well , I guess if I go stand in the frigging yard the flies will be attracted to me and stay out of the damn house. And to top it off, I PAID 4 BUCKS TO SMELL LIKE *HIT.

2008-04-23T05:50:00.001-05:00

This is our wiener dog. His name is Booker.

2008-04-23T05:48:00.000-05:00

2008-04-23T05:41:00.000-05:00

So last week, while I was going about my business, I looked out the door and I saw..........my 2 little boys barreling down the drive way , followed by 3 more boys on bikes , our wiener dog , a saint Bernard , 2 cats and a goat. Well they all screeched to a stop in the yard and ran in the house. That's what I said . THEY ran in the house.All of em. I'm scared of goats. I don't know why. Maybe cause I never had one in the house before. Well , he liked it in there.He ran from room to room, sniffing and carrying on, while I screamed "Get that goat outta here!" I flapped my dishtowel at him , but it wasn't very effective from the other room. Well , the kids and dogs and cats chased him around for about 10 minutes and couldn't catch him. That makes it sound simple. It wasn't. It involved much bucking (goat) grabbing by horns (kids) and screaming (me).Well the goat finally settled down, right under my desk. You know, the part where I have to put my feet. I screamed "That goat can't stay there!" "Who's goat is it anyway?" "We don't know mama.He just followed us home-can we keep him?"What do they mean can they keep him? Hell , they can't even catch him. Anyway so the goat came out from under the desk , looked at me , and started running, YES I SAID RUNNING , towards me. I threw the useless dishrag down and ran to the bedroom, but in my sprint for life I failed to shut the door , and he came right on in. I jumped on the bed. I know that you know what I'm gonna say next. Yes , he jumped up on the bed too. Well, I was beside myself. I think my life flashed before my eyes. Every time I jumped , the goat jumped. (He must have done this before). I'm 52 and have had 6 boys , so every time I jumped , I peed. Every time I screamed I peed. I have no idea if the goat was peeing too because I was too scared to look. So FINALLY my husband came in from out back where he had been cutting grass and do you know what he said ? He said "Why do you have a goat on the bed?" OMG- I will hurt him bad someday. So I'm screaming, "GET IT OFF,GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!" I guess the goat was tired of playing so he jumped down and once again the chase was on. Finally one of the kids managed to grab him and hold on long enough for the picture. My husband took the picture. I was in the bathroom changing my pants.

2008-04-23T05:31:00.000-05:00

So the crab was huddled in the corner and the other one was walking along ,so I thought, as I walked by, "I wonder if that crab is even alive?" I try to never even look cause it usually gets me in trouble. But this time I looked. So I ease the lid up and get a spoon and roll the crab over. He just lies there with his claw sticking out and everything. Nothing. So I ever so gently poke the claw with the spoon. Nothing. So I poke a little bit harder. Still Nothing. So just a weeee bit harder and wahm! OH MY GOD! He latched onto the spoon and as a reflex I jerked my arm out of the cage,crab still attached and slung that sucker clear across the room! Lord have mercy. So then I have to go retrieve him, thinking I had killed him for sure. But no way am I gonna pick him up cause hes probably mad by now...........anyway so I go back to the kitchen and get a coffee cup and when I get back hes gone! For a crab that I thought was dead , he sure moves fast , I'm thinking, as I look around desperately for my shoes. Well, I find the crab, take the spoon and rake him into the coffee cup and pour him out in the cage. Then I wonder if I'll think about him, everytime I try to drink out of the cup. I realize that I'm sweating. If that crab dies in the next couple days , I ain't saying nothing. One thing I will tell you is this: If the damn snake stops moving , he can lay there till he rots. I ain't poking him!