Blue Toenails

The other morning when I woke up I felt really good. I mean really, really good. Which kind of worried me cause you know what they say about people just before they die...they say that they said that they felt better than they had in years. But anyway , I felt so good. I was raring to go. I had a thousand things to do and I was going to get them all done that day. I could hardly wait to get started. Then I got out of bed. Yea.....ok. Maybe I can do most of them tomorrow , you know?


Which brings me to the point I'm trying to make. People think I'm eccentric. Maybe cause I wear blue polish on my toes , but just on 8 of them. By the time I get to those last two I'm just too tired to care. Plus I don't think I can reach those two. Seriously , its always the same two . Well except for the time I only painted my two big toes. I was really not feeling good that summer plus I needed new glasses so I think those were the only two I could see. Do you know how long it takes for bright blue polish to grow off your toenails? It takes a long , long time. Yea I know they make polish remover , but in the time it would have taken to take it off , I could have painted 2 more. Which was my intention all along. I'm old. I'm tired. But I was going to paint about 2 a day until I got them all done , but after summer was over ,it just didn't seem worth the effort. So I'm not eccentric , I'm just tired!

Now that I think about it , it might not be the 8 blue toenails that make people think I'm eccentric. At least that's what I tell myself they think , except that one woman that called me just plain old crazy........but that's a whole nuther story. But I'm getting side swiped.... I mean tracked ...yea that's it...side TRACKED. Ok so it might possibly be my pink hair that makes people think I'm cr...eccentric. The pink hair was not planned..it just happened to be the first one I saw when I went to the store. They had a display of them up front. True , it was Halloween , but the others were wayyyyyyyyy back in the back of the store , so I weighed my options. Pink hair or walking to the back...pink hair or walking to the back. Well , I chose pink hair. I mean after all , it will probably wear off around the same time the blue polish does .....

I also have hot pink glasses and wear flowers in my hair.And although I'm really very shy I just don't want to be known as ordinary. I mean whats the thrill in that. When I'm gone do I want people to say ..." Oh yea-I remember her ..that ordinary old lady!" or do I want them to say , " Oh yea-I remember her....that cr...I mean eccentric old lady?" So tell me , which would you choose?

Wal-Mart

I would have been a millionaire if it wasn't for Walmart. Seriously. If you take all the money I have spent at Walmart and added it up I would have been a millionaire. (I keep saying it because I can't believe it but its true) Just the other day I spent 100.00 dollars for a loaf of bread. I did! Forget all the other crap that I hauled home in bags and bags .... I didn't need any of it so that loaf of bread cost me a hundred bucks! Pitiful.

There is something worse though. Guess what my youngest sons first word was!! I know you think I'm kidding , but I*'m not. Depressed me for days. Did Walmart change him , feed him ( well ok they have the food and pampers but I have to administer them). Did Walmart sit up nights with him when he was sick? No they didn't? Guess who did? That's right! MAMA. But he didn't say mama first...oh no sir ree-he said Walmart. How depressing is that.


Ok say wal-mart is chock full of enticing items and various and sundry food stuffs. The first Wal-mart store was opened in 1962 so I am old enough to actually remember a world without walmart. And I made it fine ( would be a rich woman today) But think about it. None of my boys have ever lived in a world without wal-mart , not even my oldest son. Wal-mart to them is like breathing...always been there , don't think about it much.


Ok so here's another thing about wal-mart. Bad enough that I spend all my money (would have been rolling in dough) there , at least in the past , I got to pick out which needless stuff I carted home. But now , THEY have started putting things in my basket FOR me! I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that since shes been around since before walmart was invented that shes probably senile and putting stuff in her basket and forgetting. That is n......I lost my train of thought there for a minute...oh yea! THAT IS NOT THE CASE! WHY in GOD'S NAME would I even THINK I needed shotgun shells or baby food (have no baby at the moment) or a gun.for that matter.....anyway , this is what I think happens. I think they PAY people to follow shoppers of a certain age (old women) around the store , and when they turn there backs they put stuff in there. It's the only logical explanation . Because , most people may not take the time to return it , they just pile it up with all the other useless sh....I mean various and sundry items. So its a huge sales boost to wal-mart. Probably how they got to be #1. I never know what I'll get home with. I pull things out of my bag and I'm like "WHAT THE HE## " well you get the picture. I tell you , it would be just like Christmas morning , if I wasn't paying for it....


And think about all the time I have wasted in wal-mart! They must have subliminal suggestion or something piped through the air , that not only makes you want to spend money but also hang out there! I can wander around walmart for 3 hours today and then do it again tomorrow. And here's the thing. It will all be different stuff tomorrow! They have little walmart elves that work all night moving stuff around , that's all they do , just shuffle stuff so that it looks like a different place every time you walk in. Which keeps you there for hours. And I know you've all heard stories of walmart employees not knowing where anythingis. I'll let you in on a little secret. THEY KNOW!!!! I believe its all a part of a conspiracy. If they don't tell you where the sh... stuff is that you WANT , then you are forced to wander aimlessly for hours, therefore giving the cart stuffers a chance to fill your cart with sh...I mean stuff you DON'T want. But you'll take it home with you anyway because even if you notice it before you leave , do you really want to go to customer service and stand in line for an hour , and THEN try to convince the people there , that you did not purchase so and so , EVEN THOUGH it is on YOUR receipt and in YOUR cart? Well gotta run....no I am not going to wal-mart , smarty! My husband asked me to. He said we needed milk , but I told him I only had 60 dollars...........

Whose panties are these anyway?

The other day I was cleaning out my dresser drawers when I came across several pairs of huge , ugly granny panties. I shut the drawer , took a step back and made sure that it was , indeed , my dresser I was going through. It was. Going deeper into the drawer I discovered some tiny black panties that I had worn 15 years ago. Then I found some pretty , flowery , slightly bigger panties. Still investigating , I came across some lacy boy cuts that I remembered buying about 5 years ago. They were bigger than the flowery ones , but still cute and slightly sexy.

I sat down on the bed and tried to figure out who the granny panties belonged to. I racked my brain trying to remember if I had kept any of my grandmothers panties. I mean , why would I? Surely there were better things to remember her by. Well , after much thought and brain racking , I decided that there just wasn't an explanation. I wasn't upset. As mother to 6 boys , I had come across stranger things.

I gathered up the panties , went into the living room and asked my husband , " Whose panties are these anyway?" " How the heck should I know?" he asked. "Where were they?" When I told him that they were in my drawer he had the audacity to suggest that they might be mine!

Then he goes on to tell me how , if I was insinuating that he was having an affair with a grandmother and then stowing her panties in my drawer , I was way off the mark. I knew it was far fetched , but that HAD to be it. I mean they just COULD NOT BE MY PANTIES! Then I saw a light bulb go off in his head. " HEY!" he shouted. " I just remembered. I was with you when you bought those! I remember because we had a hard time finding panties sized in the double digits.........." He must have seen my face because he suddenly remembered that he had to do something outside.

Well , what a letdown! I have granny panties in MY drawers. Things were NOT supposed to turn out like this! I mean , I have become used to the hair dye , the spanx , the fixodent. The offers in the mail for Hover rounds and burial insurance don't bother me like they used to. I can even deal with the liver spots. But I refuse to keep my grand mothers panties in my drawer. I am going back in there right now and making her her own damn drawer!

Homework

Came across this today and wanted to share! I tried to make it bigger but I couldn't. You can still read it though!

Don't fall down......

Yesterday when I got home from work and picked up the mail, I had an offer from The Scooter Store and an offer to bury me for free. I decided to pass on the burial , but the idea of sliding around the house on my butt was pretty tempting. However , I kept having visions of getting hung up on the carpet and falling over , like Tim Conway used to do on that tricycle. Besides , I don't need no scooter. I still feel like I'm 16 , except when I'm awake.

Seriously, don't they think that these offers might depress us old people. I don't know about you , but I don't want to be buried until I'm stinking. Yesterday when I got that offer , I checked, and so far I still smell fine. I mean , I had just got home from work so I didn't smell like a bed of roses , but geez, I didn't need to be BURIED , for Pete's sake.

Which makes me think of something else: Every time I fall , I think about that commercial. You know the one. She falls and says, "I've fallen and I can't get up"! Luckily , every time I have fallen so far , I have still been able to get back up. When the time comes and I can't , and I have to utter those dreaded can't get up words , I am beating the $@it out of anyone that tries to film me while I'm laying there!

Well , I guess I'm done for now. I've gotten myself all worked up so I guess I better go in the kitchen and see if I can find some fibermucel or something to calm me down. Until next time, what ever you do don't fall down. Someone may come along and try to bury you!