Moving in with my son

When I'm an old lady,
I'll live with my son...
I'll make his life happy
And filled with such fun;
I want to pay back
All the joy he's provided;
Returning each deed...
Oh! He'll be so excited!

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
I'll write on the wall
With red, white, and blue;
And bounce on the furniture
While wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton
And then leave it out;
I'll stuff all the toilets,
And oh!...will he shout!

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
When he's on the phone
And just out of reach...
I'll get into things
Like sugar and bleach;
Oh, he'll snap his fingers
And then shake his head;
And when things get tough...
I'll hide under the bed.

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
I'll sit close to the TV,
Through the channels I'll click;
I'll cross both my eyes
To see if they stick;
I'll take off my socks
And throw one away,
And play in the mud
Until the end of the day.

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
When he cooks dinner
And calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans
Or salads congealed;
I'll gag on my oatmeal,
Spill milk on the table,
And when he gets angry,
I'll run as fast as I'm able.

And later in bed,
I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer
And then close my eyes;
My son will look down
With a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
"She's so sweet when she's sleeping."

written by Joann Bailey Baxter

Back to school.................

It's almost here. There are 5 days ,7 hours and 26 minutes until school starts. Not that I'm counting or anything , you know? But gosh , this has been a loooooooooong summer. I love my boys more than anything in the world , but I'm ready. They are too , although they won't admit it. They are beginning to get bored and they fight constantly. I ought to write a book called "He ain't the boss a me. " I think every mother in the world would buy it , cause they can identify with it. I have heard that about a thousand times this summer.

You ever think about the tons of paperwork they have you fill out the first day of school? I mean , they ask you about 100 times what your address and phone number is. On different pieces of paper. I feel like I should just get a stamp made with my address and phone number and stamp all those blasted pieces of paper. They want to make SURE they can find you in case you don't come back to pick up the kids. And did you know that they check , before you get out the door, to make sure you're not using a fake address and phone number? I won't tell you how I found that out.................

Then when you get them settled in and think everything is going to go smoothly you start getting the papers sent home. I get papers telling me they are sending papers , then I get papers asking me if I received the papers! Last year I was going to be so organized....I bought little plastic boxes for incoming papers and outgoing papers. Trust me on this: Don't waste your money on little plastic boxes CAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ANY BIG ENOUGH. If you have a
spare room in your house , just use that. Just open the door , throw em in there , and shut the door. You get used to it after awhile. True , when you need a paper , you'll have to wade through a room full of papers , but at least they'll all be in the same place.

Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about. Fundraisers.Last year when I got home from dropping my kids off the first day of school , there was a message on my phone from the school telling me that the fundraiser had begun. I live 5 minutes from the school. I don't know why they just didn't tell me to my face , but I guess they were scared.......... I'm all for raising money for the school , but why won't they just send a note home like this:
ATTENTION: You must send $20.00 by tomorrow for our '2nd day of school fundraiser' , or keep your kid at home. We are serious: If you can't send the money , we understand , but your kid can't come to school without it.
Everyone would send it , believe me , cause it's been a looooooooooong summer, you know what I mean?

But can they do that? Oh no! They have to send home a big colorful brochure with a picture of the worlds best bike on it. It says:
ATTENTION: We are having a fundraiser. If your child sells 1000 bars of candy he may or may not receive this bike. If he sells 1-999 bars of candy , he will receive a balloon. Please support our school and your child in this endeavor.
Well , Holy *hit. I don't know 1000 people , and the ones I do know , half of em are diabetic or something. But there my little boys stand , with stars in their eyes , so excited that they are hopping up and down. And I tell you , they ain't jumping up and down because of the balloon.

Well, so you call everybody you know and after being on the phone for 2 hours you have sold 19 bars of candy. Only 981 to go. Twice. If you live in a really small town , you're screwed. I'm serious. I once lived in a town with only 618 people. But that's a whole nuther story , and I'm getting off track here.

Anyway, I can't send the boys out door to door alone , and their dad has better sense than I do , so he's not gonna do it. So the first house we go to looks like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre people live there. There are bones and stuff hanging from the porch. But there's a lot of candy wrappers in the yard so I figure they're good candidates. So after telling the boys to run get their daddy if someone pulls me in the door , I knock. My knees are knocking too.
"WHO IS IT?"
"IT'S AVA- MY LITTLE BOYS ARE SELLING CANDY FOR SCHOOL!"
"SO"
"SO, WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY SOME?"
"$20.00 worth-LEAVE IT ON THE PORCH!"
Well OK then, I think , how are we supposed to get paid for it? But about that time a 20 dollar bill slides out from under the door. Well , this ain't so bad , I think , as I lay 20 bars of candy next to the door.
3 hours and 15 minutes later we have only sold 5 more. But we had a goat and 2 cats follow us home , so I guess the day wasn't a total waste. I actually contemplated keeping the goat , thinking that it would make up for the bikes they weren't going to get. But being a smart woman , I decided that it would be easier to buy 2 bikes than try to upkeep a goat. I would have bought the candy myself so the boys would have a chance at the bikes from the school , but with 2 boys that would have been nearly 2000 bars. And after all , they won't feel left out when they hand out the prizes cause they will get the balloons. And besides , theres no room in the freezer because of the candy from the year before .......................

Dear Hartz..............

Dear Hartz,
I am writing this letter in regards to your Play City Hamster Cage. I suppose a play city for hamsters is a good idea , and would provide them hours of entertainment , IF they were ever actually in the cage long enough to be entertained. I purchased 4 of your cages , brought them home and put them together. (which I might add was not an easy task.) Upon completion , I put the hamsters in the cages and that's when the fun really began. First of all , the wheel attachment on the side: The hamster would have to weigh 50 pounds to be able to turn that wheel , in which case he would not fit inside the cage , so that is a useless attachment. As soon as they figured out that they couldn't turn the wheel , they carried all their cedar into it and made a bed. When they were bored with that , they took the wheel apart , thus creating a hole to escape through. Luckily I saw what was going on and caught them in the toy box. Put them back in the cage ,put the enclosed stopper in the hole and went to bed. I find I'm curious as to why you enclosed a stopper for the wheel hole. Did you know that the hamsters would take it off?

Anyway , next morning , checking on them , I find NO *AMN HAMSTERS IN THE CAGES! Do you know what this means? It means THEY ARE LOOSE IN MY HOUSE! I happen to be scared of them. If you wonder why I bought a bunch of hamsters and 4 cages if I was scared of them I will tell you. 3 cages and 6 hamsters were supposed to go home with my grandchildren. We were SUPPOSED to have 1 cage and 2 hamsters. IF they would stay in their cages , I would be able to handle 2 CAGED hamsters. I cannot handle 8 loose hamsters in my house.

How did they get out , you may ask? Well , I can't say for sure , as they didn't leave a note. But I can say for sure that they are gone, baby , gone. And they didn't eat each other as I have heard hamsters are prone to do , because if they had , there would have to be at least one really fat one left, know what I mean?

Of course the grandchildren were heartbroken , so there was nothing I could do but go buy more hamsters , but I made sure that they stayed in a shoebox until the kids took them home. All of the above mentioned hamsters are still at large , except one. He was apprehended at 4 a.m one morning , as I sat sleepless , and happened to see him creep under the dining room table. Where do you think the other 7 have gone to? I have not had much sleep since their escape , but I am still rational enough to know that after 2 weeks , I probably won't find them. Unless I smell something strange and follow my nose. Which I can tell you I am not looking forward to.

This is also greatly effecting my ..........umm.....relations with my husband. If he touches me in the dark at night , I jump out of the bed and run screaming from the room. I keep telling him it's the hamsters , but it is beginning to give him an inferiority complex , and I fear that he will have a middle age crisis soon. And I a nervous breakdown. Besides for the fact that he is still looking for the snake and now he has to worry about loose hamsters too , so he is not getting much sleep either. Which is making him late for work. I would hate for him to loose his job , because it would be on your company's head , I tell you.

Also , you state on your advertisement that the play city's wire bars promote plenty of fresh air and owner interaction. Pu-leeze. They are probably getting plenty of fresh air wherever they may be , but if I step on one in the middle of the night , the owner interaction is not gonna be pretty.

Anyway , I am writing this letter because I was not satisfied with the result of the phone call I made to your company. True , you offered to replace all of the cages or refund the money. I don't want the cages replaced. What am I gonna do , go buy some more hamsters and put them in your wonderful fresh air cages? Yea , right , like that's gonna happen. And I don't want the money. I want someone to come find these **&()&*^^**^^* hamsters. And I think it should be someone from your company. I think that if you had to fly someone to my house , and have them crawl around on their knees until the hamsters were apprehended , then maybe next time you made a cage you might put the frigging bars just a wee bit closer.

Now I know that this letter has been long winded , but you have to understand that I DON"T HAVE MUCH ELSE TO DO AS I SIT HERE ALL NIGHT AFRAID TO GO TO BED! And I am enclosing a bill. I don't expect you to pay it , but would like for you to see the damage that has been done.

Ibuprophen.........$6.00
electricity to keep all lights on at night.........$25.00 extra per month
Therapy....................$50.00 per hour
Therapy for my husband..........$50.00 per hour
extra coffee to be able to stay awake in the daytime..........$10.00
replacement of 6 hamsters for grandchildren.....................$72.00
aquarium for lone captured hamster to make sure he doesn't get out.................$10.00
The look on my husbands face when I told him all the hamsters were loose..................priceless

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nevergonnabuyanother*amnhamster

talesfromthefunnyfarm

Create your own glittery text at pYzam.com

talesfromthefunnyfarm

Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

I made this with all the boys and the dog and two cats , but it will only let me show 4 figures on it. Bummer.