Monday, June 30, 2008

I'm back

My internet has been messed up so haven't posted in awhile. I should be posting new stories in a day or so. Hey , wonder if anyone even realized I was gone?................

Friday, June 20, 2008

Once upon a time.................

in a land not so far away ( called Arkansas ) there lived a girl (woman , old lady , whatever ) named Avarella. She had two little boys and a husband that were so mean to her , and treated her like a step-mama. They wouldn't mind her and were always asking silly , useless questions like , "whats for supper" and " do you know where my shoes are". Now Avarella scrubbed and cooked and cleaned all day and when the children and her husband came home , they messed it up so she had to do it all over again. Although Avarella did not have to wear rags , she always had one in her hand , so to her it was the same difference , if you know what I mean.

One day when Avarella was in the corner scrubbing Kool-aid stains out of the carpet , she over heard the children and her husband talking about going on a vacation. Vacation! Ha! Avarella had been on one of those before and she knew that they would pretend that they wanted her to come along , but it was just so she could wash their underwear and scrub their stains and cook for them. She wondered if she would ever get a vacation for herself , where she could do what the others did ( lay on their butts , jump and laugh in swimming pool , eat and throw the wrappers on the floor , etc, etc ). Timidly , with rag in hand , she approached them as they were talking about the vacation. " Hey Guys , do you think that this time when we go on vacation , you could maybe........ah.....clean up after yourselves so I can have fun too"? Well they looked at her like she had grown two heads , so she crept back to the corner to attend to her stain.

Well as the day approached for the vacation , Avarella worked her butt off to get them all ready. She cleaned and ironed and packed. She loaded the truck and made sure that they had everything they needed , including plenty of snacks , swimming pool toys , and clothes. She kissed them all and put them in the truck with their father and closed the door and said , " Have a good time. I love you . Ya'll come back now , ya hear"! They looked at her with wide eyed wonder , because she had never done such a thing before. Avarella explained patiently ,that yes indeed , she was staying home this year , and taking her own vacation! Well , it took some doing but after much explaining and talking yadayadayada they finally left and she was a free woman for one week.

Avarella walked ( skipped ) back into the house and listened. She didn't hear anything. It sounded kind of strange , but nice. She decided to listen to some music , NOT COUNTRY , and then she picked out a good book and lay down on the couch and began to read. She hadn't been able to do that in years , except in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep. She could hear the clock going tick tock tick tock , and just then a mouse ran up the clock, hickory dickory dock , and she wondered why the *amn mouse trap under the sink didn't work. Anyway , back to the book. But she couldn't concentrate , it was just too quite. Avarella decided that she wasn't in the mood for reading anyway. She thought it might be fun to go to her closet and play with all her purses and glass slippers , because she never had time to do that.She barely had time to even dress herself in the mornings. In fact , one day when she was at a PTA meeting she looked down and saw that she had on two different glass slippers and she was very embarrassed because all the other rella's looked very "well-groomed and put together".

Avarella soon grew tired of that so she went to the kitchen and got some ice cream , but she found that it didn't taste as good if she wasn't hiding in the closet to eat it. So she got a snack instead , went back to the couch , and threw the wrapper on the floor. But that made her nervous so she got up and picked it up. On the way to the trash can she saw a drawing on the fridge that said , " dear mama , "I love you becuse you are prutty and you cook goud ". That made her sad , because she realized that she missed her little boys and maybe she should have gone with them. She knew she loved them and she didn't see what was wrong with just wanting some time to herself. Avarella decided to go kiss the frog to see if anything would happen like in the fairy tales. She had to close her eyes to do it because he looked real weird when you got that close , and all that happened was that her lips felt funny. So then she decided to call her Fairy Godperson ( gay cousin in Louisiana ) and see if he had any advice. " If you miss them girl , go catch up with them! No point in staying home if you're not happy", he told her.

So Avarella ran out to get in her golden carriage ( gold mini-van ) but just about that time , she was awakened by someone on the radio screaming , " IT'S MIDNIGHT- DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS? YEEEE-HAW"!? So she woke up and realized that she wasn't in kansas ( I mean at home ) anymore. In fact she had been dreaming like in a fairy tale or whatever , and she had been in the truck with her family all along. The boys were in the back seat fighting and her husband was listening to country music and they were on the way to West Virginia , and there was still 15 HOURS TO GO. Avarella cried and begged and screamed for them to let her out of the truck , but they wouldn't do it ,so that was when she realized that they really did love her , even if she did have to wait on them hand and foot. Sometimes that's just what rella's do , you know?

Anyway , to make a long story short ( too late for that ) the moral of this story is , LIFE IS NOT MUCH FUN IF YOU'RE ALL ALONE , oh and also , KISSING FROGS AIN'T WHAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE NO MATTER WHAT THE FAIRY TALES SAY. Anyway , so they went to West Virginia and had a good time , although Avarella was very tired when they got home , you know from scrubbing and cooking and yadayada , and they are still living happily ever after.................

but when they got home they discovered that there was an empty snack wrapper on the floor , some of her husbands clothes and a pair of shoes were missing , and the frog was gone..............

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

It was a dark and stormy night....................

the rain was pouring down , thunder roared and lightning flashed every 2 seconds. There was even hail. Now some might think that is perfect sleeping weather , and it was past midnight so it should have been. But I was having a hard time falling to sleep as I clung desperately to my inch of the bed. In my bed , not necessarily in this order , were , Husband , Cane , Jordan ,Booker (weiner dog ) lucky (cat ) ooh-la-faye (cat ) , and somebodys frog. I don't know who the frog belongs to ,as no one will claim him , for fear they will have to maintain him. They shouldn't worry about that though , cause I can't catch him , even if I wanted to feed him. I've tried to catch him for about a week. Believe me , if I could catch him , he wouldn't have been in my bed.
I had no idea that frogs were scared of storms.

There are two other beds in this house , as well as various couches , love seats and recliners. I should have got up and went to another bed , but I had this idea that if one of the boys woke up scared from the storm that mama should be there. So I clung on. First I tried lying on the side that I always go to sleep on , but there wasn't enough room for my whole side . So then I tried putting Canes leg over my hip , and Jordan's arm around my neck , while the cats and dogs snored at our feet. That didn't work either. So i carefully draped my legs over Canes body and that seemed to give me just enough room for my upper torso on my inch of the bed. Oh maybe I should tell you that we don't generally let all the animals sleep with us , this isn't a zoo you know , but as I said it was a dark and stormy night....and I guess we felt sorry for them. Besides, you ever tried to get cats to go outside in the middle of a thunderstorm? Anyway , finally, finally , I fell into a fitful sleep , about 4:45 am , and awoke (refreshed?) at 5:00 am when the alarm went off. I had a pounding headache , a permanent imprint of Jordans foot on my cheek (face cheek thank you!) and a strange bump on my arm that looked suspiciously like a wart.....................

Lord , please don't let it rain tonight.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Oh I can hardly wait until I get old. Well , I know I'm pretty old right now , but I mean when I get really , really old. I have lots of things planned for my children. They're gonna love it , I tell you! First of all , I'm gonna die my hair blue. Let em explain THAT to their friends! And definitely I'm going to live with them. Even if I can take perfectly good care of myself. And I'll rotate. Wouldn't want any of them to miss out on the fun.

Yes sir ree , I'm gonna have to have my own room of course , and I'll make them paint the walls black. And I'll have to have a tv, stereo , fridge and ipod in there cause you know all my friends have one and WHY CAN"T I?!! And I'm gonna pierce something , although I haven't decided what yet. When they go to the store I'm going to make them take me , and I'll have to have one of everything in the grocery store and of course I'll have to go the bathroom 15 times. Oh , it'll be so much fun. If I do it right , going for milk could take hours!

On the way there , I'll keep unbuckling my seat belt and if I'm feeling limber that day I may even climb up in the back window. If theres a cop behind us , I'll certainly throw my Depends out the window. Then I'll get carsick , and even if I don't actually throw up , I'll keep telling my son that I'm going to. I'll change the radio station 44 times before we get there , and he'll have to stop and let me go to the bathroom before we even get to the store. Oh and I have to have a puppy. Preferably one that someone is selling on the side of the road for 200 dollars.

When we go to church , that will be the best fun of all. I'm gonna wiggle and whisper and cough all the way through the sermon. And have to go to the bathroom. Oh , and pass gas. I'm gonna pass gas every where they take me , and laugh and giggle about it. When we go out to eat I'll run up and down the aisles and I think I'll even take my teeth out and lay them on the table. I tell you , it's gonna be so much fun I can hardly wait. Revenge is sweet.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


After reading many books and articles on the subject of organization I have decided to get my house in order . After much thought I have come up with two key concepts that I think will make everything much easier. They are : ( 1 ) Putting items near where they will be used and ( 2 ) Cutting out unnecessary steps. Ok , here's my plan :

I am going to throw away all lids to anything. No one ever puts lids back on , so this will eliminate me having to locate the lid ( toothpaste , ketchup , whatever ) and screw it back on. This will save a lot of time that can be better used elsewhere. Also , I am never going to fold clothes again , as the kids and husband just unfold them all , even if they are just looking for one shirt. So no more folding. And no more putting clothes away in drawers. In fact , when I take the boys clothes to their rooms , I'm just gonna walk in and dump them on the floor. Then I'm going to take all their toys and throw them out in the yard. That's where they leave them anyway , and this will free up lots of space. When I serve meals , I'm just gonna put it on the floor , cause from the looks of the carpet , that's where it's gonna wind up. This will eliminate the need to clean the table off. And also save on dirtying up dishes. Bet you thought I was gonna put the food in dishes BEFORE I put it on the floor , huh? HAH! We can just leave the crabs on the table from now on. When we take the Christmas tree down , I'm gonna take those lights and put them in the garbage right then. They won't work next year anyway , and I won't have to store them all year.

From now on , when we buy something new , I am either going to break it when we get it home or hide it. New items , particularly expensive video games , become lost as soon as we get them home anyway. As soon as I get up in the mornings I think I'll go through the house and throw all the towels on the floor , turn on all the lights , TVs , radios and video games , and pour the milk in the floor. This should save everyone a lot of time. I am also going to get a screwdriver and take down all the doors. Never again will I have to yell , " Shut the door"! Oh , and maybe I should pull all the boys baby teeth at once and get it over with. And I've decided to never make another bed. Hell , I think I'll just throw a blanket on there and throw the sheets on the floor. And for showers I've decided that while one boy is bathing in the tub , the other one can be bathing in the water that is going to get on the floor. Then after they're done , I'll just run in there with some wax , squirt it on the floor and slosh it around. Then the floor will be mopped and waxed.

I'm also gonna take the phone off the charger as soon as I get out of bed , so I won't have to wait all day for it to go dead. Never again , will it cut me off in the middle of an important phone call. I just won't have any important phone calls anymore. I'll dress the kids for school before they go to bed and strap their backpacks to them just before I turn off the light. And also tote 14 glasses of water in there all at once , so I don't have to make 14 trips.

I'll probably save days , if not weeks , of time each year by changing a few simple things. And it's so easy. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I think I'll start doing this professionally , you know , like Clean House or The Nanny! I may even become famous. Lets see : what could I call my show ? I've got it! " Trash this House". The commercial could say that I can teach you to trash your house with less time and money than ever before. Wow! I feel so much better now. If any of you need any organizational help , please feel free to write me at .
Oh , sorry , I've got to go. Some men with white coats on are at the door...........................

Monday, June 9, 2008

Don't give up on me. I'll be posting soon. My ac is still out , and my brain is about fried (more so than usual). It's taking all my energy to keep the fans going. Literally , I have to keep moving them around because they keep throwing the breakers. But while I'm moving fans around in creative positions , my mind is busy composing stories , so I'll be back soon.............

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

In the heat of the moment

Everyone knows not to go grocery shopping when you're hungry , but I discovered last night that you should not go when your hot and thirsty either. My central air quit about a week ago , and I've had three different companies look at it , and finally one of them told me it was dead. Has to be replaced. Cost $5,000 . So I've got to work on that , and believe me when I tell you ,that's gonna take some creative financing. So it was a hundred degrees in my house yesterday , so I took the kids swimming and then we went to the grocery store. I needed groceries but while I was there I started thinking about how hot it was at home. An hour later I checked out and my bill came to $86.00. Not bad for groceries , huh? Let me tell you what I got.

1 case of water
1 gallon of Arizona tea
1 quart of Lipton green tea with citrus
1 quart of pomegranate Arizona tea
1 12 pack of mountain dew
1 canister of pink lemonade mix
1 canister of yellow lemonade mix
1 six-pack of a&w root beer
1 snow cone maker
1 bottle of blue raspberry snow cone syrup
1 bottle of green apple snow cone syrup
4 bags of ice
1 bag of tortilla chips with a hint of lime ( I don't think I would have bought those but the lime sounded cool)

I think we'll be alright. Even though we have NO FOOD , you can go without food longer than you can go without water , and I think I've got that covered................................

Beauty tips for busy moms

1. Choose a blow and go hairstyle. I'm not talking about one that you can use a blow dryer on. I'm talking about something even better! For example , with my hairstyle , I simply wash it in the shower and then dash out to the van. I roll all the windows down , roll the sunroof back and go! Aside from being a little chilly in the winter time , it's perfect. By the time I get to soccer practice ( or the grocery , dentist , school , whatever ) it's dry . It has that perfect sexy , tousled look (well ok , maybe not sexy , but certainly tousled). I tell you , it gives a whole new meaning to blow and go.

2. One size fits all. Ok , with this you have to be a little creative , but who cares. It saves money and makes getting dressed in the morning a snap. You can still wear these clothes if you're bloated , or slim , or in between diets. It doesn't matter. Just make sure you have a large assortment of safety pins, staples , belts and suspenders.

3. 24 hour lipgloss. This stuff is great. It really does stay on 24 hours , even though it tastes and feels like *hit. But no one ever said being beautiful was easy. The only thing I didn't like about it is the fact that when I'm wearing it , every time I walk through the room , my husband asks me where I'm going. And it's always there when you need it. One morning I had to run into Jordan's school and I had forgotten that I still had my pajamas on. But no matter. I may have been wearing spongebob , but I had lipstick on!

4. Bathe the dog while you shower. Saves a lot of time. But make sure that you don't get the shampoo mixed up.

5. If the haircolor bottle says , "leave on for 30 minutes , it does not mean 1 hour."

6. No smudge mascara does not make good finger paint. Ask Jordan.

7. Instant face lift in a bottle does not work. Not on you anyway. However , the price does cause a surprised look on your husbands face , which gives him a slightly more youthful (stupid) look.

8. Do not use one of those epi whatever hair yanking out thingys. They don't yank the hairs out , but rather s-t-r-e-t-c-h them , and you can't get loose of the *amn thing.........................

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Feeling kinda sentimental and mushy today...........