Thursday, July 24, 2008

Get em while they're hot...only $19.95..............

When ever I buy something new that I don't know how to use , I try to read the directions first , but curiosity gets the best of me and I usually go ahead and use it ..........then read the directions AFTER it doesn't work right. My mama was the same way , and usually we got it right the first time. Except the time she bought the blow up breasts from Fredrick's of Hollywood. She was going dancing that night and they had come in the mail that day . After getting off work she didn't have much time to get ready so she took out her new breasts ( they were encased in a bra , thank goodness ) slipped them on , inserted the straw , and blew them up. Mama , being a slim women with small breasts , was delighted. Suddenly she had the breasts she had always wanted. I watched as she got ready , and although I thought she was beautiful , I was skeptical about the breasts. "Mama" , I said , "I don't think I'd wear those if I were you." "Why not?" "Well ,because they're FAKE , they aren't really yours. Aren't you afraid people will be able to tell?" "Don't be silly. How could anyone tell? And they certainly are mine.........I paid $19.95 for them.........they belong to me!"

Well , off she went dancing with her new boobs standing proudly at attention. The next morning when I got up , mama was already gone to work. I almost choked on my breakfast , when I opened the garbage can to throw away an eggshell , and found her breasts staring up at me. I couldn't wait for her to get home that night to tell me what had happened. Knowing my mama , I knew it would be a good one! I waited anxiously all day , but finally she got home and I was able to find out what had happened:

She said that things had been going great , she was dancing and having a good time. Her best friend was there and she admired mamas new boobs and was thinking about getting some. Then this one gentleman asked her to dance , and mama said she believed it was the Tango or something like that. She said things were fine until that last dramatic crescendo of music , when the man roughly pulls the woman to him. You know how that dance goes. Can you picture it in your mind? I could, and I was laughing so hard , until she gave me that look that could kill , so I shut up. Anyway , she said , he pulled her to him , and the force caused the stopper or something to pop loose ,and just as the music ended and all was quite, her breasts made this HUGE farting noise , that went on and on and on. She said the man pushed her away and shouted , loud enough for everyone to hear , "Good Lord lady , why dontcha go to the bathroom!"
Well , mama said she grabbed her friend and her purse and rushed out of there like she was on fire and she was NEVER going back! She said she guessed that's what she got for only paying $19.95!

That was the end of mama's breast enlargement experiments. Well except the time she bought the thing with the suction cup and water sprayer that you hooked up to the faucet...........but that's a whole nuther story.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Why I buy lime tortilla chips

Most of the time it's easy to write my stories. I just think back over my day! But sometimes I think and think and nothing comes into my head. Wait! That didn't sound right. What I mean is my mind is blank. Dad gum it , that sounds worse! Oh well , I admit it , my mind is blank most of the time. That's why you can find me quite often wandering around Wal-mart , with that vacant stare in my eyes.

I should hire a shopper to do my grocery shopping. I try , I really do , but most of the time it just doesn't work out for me. Take yesterday , for example. The kids and I went to Wal-mart , to buy groceries. We were there 3 hours. I should have had 3 hours worth of groceries , you'd think. Or at today's prices , at least enough to feed us for 3 hours. When I finally found the out door, we had 2 ipods , a guitar hero game for ds ( which I don't even remember okaying so I think that one was snuck in the basket , so it's going back) some glitter , two wooden airplanes , some cat food , a gallon of milk , and some of those lime tortilla chips (again). I know milk and lime chips don't sound good together , and yes my husband wonders why we have such odd stuff for supper , but hey , I'm 52 years old! I have NO BUSINESS IN WAL-MART WITH A 7 AND 8 YEAR OLD IN THE FIRST PLACE! And he doesn't do such a great job either. The last time he had to do the grocery shopping with the boys , he came home with a screw driver , some duct tape and 4 packs of Yu-gi-oh cards.

OK, they weren't really ipods , they were mp3 players , but the boys think they are. And they play movies and music and photos , so I figured they were good enough. And they cost 150 dollars LESS than ipods. On the way home they were sitting in the back seat holding the boxes ( you know you can't get them open without scissors , a hammer ,screwdriver and a pair of pliers) and Cane says , " Mama, you said these were ipods. This says MP3 player." *hit! Well , I told him what any good honest mother would have. I told him that the reason it says mp3 player is because it is an ipod AND a mp3 player combined , which is much better than a plain old ipod.
Oh I know you think I'm awful ,but I'm telling you the things do a lot! They will hold movies , up to 1900 video clips and photos and 500 songs , just for starters. That's more than enough . I will not feel guilty over this one. After all we went there for hamburger meat and eggs , they should be happy.

The other day when we went to Wal-mart we had to take the hamsters inside with us. We had bought them at the pet store , then we went to Wal-mart for cages. The pet store had them , but ours is a very small pet store and the cages were 50 dollars. I figured they would be cheaper at Wal-mart and we needed 3 of them. So in I go with six kids ( or maybe it was 5 , I don't remember , but it was a lot ) all carrying shoe boxes. The return sticker girl person at the door asked if we were returning them all , and I had to tell her that it was hamsters. She said we don't sell hamsters so you can't return them. I said I know. She wanted to know why we brought them in so I had to tell her that it was 100 degrees outside , and the shoe boxes had a little hole on each end , and we needed cages and they would get too hot in the car , or escape. She said oh, OK , but make sure they don't get out, I'm scared of them. Well slap me silly , but Wal-mart is a BIG place , you know? Does she think if one escapes , that it's gonna make a beeline straight for her?

Oh , and my grand daughter had on : Black high heels with spider webs on them , a black square dance dress , a bright red belt and a plastic princess crown. Don't ask me why she dresses like that when we go some where. She looked pretty normal at the house , she had on jeans and a t shirt , and I told her we were going to go get hamsters and she went and got ready. I guess that's her hamster purchasing clothes? She's 14 and I can't figure her out , so I don't try. She loves me a bunch though. She always tells me her mom won't let her be her self and dress how she wants to , so when I have her, I let her. Once in awhile I get in trouble for it , but hey , what are they gonna do , spank me? Or maybe ground me? That might be fun . No work , no errands , just lay around the house. OK , I'm getting off track. Anyway , we were in there about 3 hours that time too. I have no idea why. They only had ONE KIND OF CAGE , so how in Sam hill could it take that long to pick them out? Well , while we were there Cane did accidentally bump into Eva and knock her shoebox out of her hand and the hamster ran out and around for a few minutes , but it didn't take THAT long to catch it. But I will tell you one thing: Most people are scared of hamsters. At least the people that go to Wal-mart.................

Well OK , sometimes my days get sidetracked and don't go quite as planned. Sometimes I'm scared to get out of bed. I don't know why things like this happen to me. I didn't wake up that morning and say , " Hey , I think we'll go spend the grocery money on ipod/mp3 players and then buy a bunch of hamsters and let one loose in Wal-mart and see what happens." I don't think my husband believes me when I tell him I don't do these things on purpose. And to the security people that have to watch the video tapes at Wal-mart , I SWEAR we didn't let the hamster loose on purpose and it WAS NOT a distraction tactic.

Monday, July 21, 2008


Well I've had the grand kids this past week so haven't had much time to write , but we sure were busy MAKING stories. I did tell y'all I had grand kids didn't I? Even though I still have a 7 and 8 year old. It's been a hoot , I'll tell ya. Just wanted to let y'all know where I've been and will probably post tonight. Oh by the way. You know how when you got a bunch of little boys , they're always dragging home animals and having hamsters and gerbils and snakes and stuff? Well , while the grand kids were here I bought them all hamsters and everything they needed! And I made sure that each pair I sent home had a boy and girl. The kids were all so excited. We put them in those little balls and let them race. As many kids as I've got , it looked like the Grand Prix around here. Wasn't that sweet of me? When Paul picked up the kids and hugged me goodbye , I thought I saw tears in his eyes. I'm sure it was because he misses me and had nothing at all to do with all the hamsters he was carrying home............................

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Been really busy..............

Well first thing this morning my editor called me and asked if I could hurry with the book I was writing for him because he wants me to sign a contract for 6 more. They are only paying 50,000 a piece but thats not too bad. Then the phone rang and it was Playboy , and they wanted exclusive rights to the pictures from Bad Hair Day. Well before I could even get off the phone the doorbell rang. Guess who it was? Publishers clearing house! Yep , they wanted to give me ten million dollars. I accepted but I know thats gonna make me even busier , taking care of and spending all that money. Anyway , then the alarm went off and I woke up , so just letting ya'll know that I'll post a story soon! Have a great day!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Bad Hair Day

I am a woman of little patience so I never do strand tests. Did you know that the hair colour you buy this month may not be the same as the one you buy next month? Even if it says on the box that it is the same brand and color? I think that the people at the factory sit there and say " OK , lets put a shot of this in there and see what happens?" Anyway , so once I was gonna cover my gray and bought a copper colored red as close to what I thought I remembered my natural color to be. Of course it had been so many years since I had seen my natural color that I wasn't quite sure...............

Well , I followed the directions ( except for the part about the strand test , cause I was in a hurry) and started putting it on my head. I took off the gloves cause they were just sliding around anyway , and how hard could dye be to get off your hands right? Then I decided I should leave it on an extra 15 minutes because my gray is pretty persistent ( resistant? ) and THEN I decided that I should put some on my eyebrows so they would match , and while I was at it I thought I would slap some know.....down there. I've always been a matchy , matchy kind of girl. So I did my eyebrows , just took my finger and swiped some on , and then slathered it on down there and.............

HOLY MOTHER OF PEARLS!!!!!! Talk about one hot mama. I mean the thing was on fire! I felt like running around dragging my bottom on the carpet like I've seen dogs do , you know? Well , I jumped in the bathtub and started splashing water on that babie as fast as I could and finally got it off. Boy , I'll never try THAT again. To calm my nerves I went to the kitchen and got a cup of coffee and a magazine and went back to the bathroom. I sat down and started fanning between my legs with the magazine and that's when I remembered.................

The extra 15 minutes had been up when I slathered that stuff on my you know what. Frantically , I ran to look at the clock and saw that it had been on my head for an hour and ten minutes! I jumped in the shower quick and washed it out and climbed out and wrapped a towel around my head. I always had to wait until the boys were in bed to do stuff like this so I wouldn't be interrupted and I saw that it was now 1:00 am. I was exhausted so I stumbled to bed with the towel still around my head. I figured I'd get up in the morning and style my new and improved hair , and I'd be gorgeous , you know what I mean?

So the next morning my husband wakes me up shaking me and saying , " what happened to you?" "Nothing " , I mumbled , and went back to sleep. A little while later I got up and stumbled to the bathroom to do my business and was passing in front of the mirror and OH SWEET LORD!!!!! I staggered back against the wall , clutching my heart. It was ORANGE! Not like when you have red hair and people call you carrot top , but like pop sickle , crayola crayon kinda orange. And sticking straight up on top of my head. And my eyebrows? They looked like they had been finger painted on. I looked like Groucho Marx , only with orange eyebrows instead of black. Well I stuck my head under the faucet and got that mess good and wet so it would lay down and then started on my eyebrows.That's when I saw my hands. Yep , they were orange too, but that was the least of my problems. I scrubbed and scrubbed my eyebrows.I mean I scrubbed those suckers till they were raw.Finally I got them faded so that you would only notice them if you were looking at me.

I grabbed my husbands hat ( the one that said " Real men drive trucks" ) and headed off to wal-mart. There had to be SOMETHING that would cover that orange mess up. At Wal-mart , I figured I better stay away from anything red , and grabbed a box of Ash Blonde...or Brown. I don't remember but that part isn't important. Whats important is the ASH part. Do you know what happens when you put ash on any shade of red? I do. It turns green. I don't mean the 'think you see a slight tint of green' kinda green. I mean kool-aide kinda green.

I decided it was time to seek professional help. At the beauty shop they told me that to get it all out they would have to strip it and take it to palest blonde. For a moment the thought went through my mind that if I bleached DOWN THERE too , I'd be a real blonde. But then , like the girl in the cheap romance novel I remembered the ' her loins were on fire ' incident and quickly put that out of my mind. And I found out that when they say palest blonde they don't really mean blonde. They mean white. I'm talking white as the driven snow , white as a sheet , looked like I'd seen a ghost kinda white. But you know what? My gray was gone so I called it a day.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

No Grils Allowed

When my 4 oldest boys were little and safe in our backyard , things were simpler then. The rules were , don't hit your brothers , don't set anything on fire , and stay in the yard. Sometimes though , they would sneak away , and I would have to hunt them up from whatever adventure they were having. But in the backyard , they built everything they needed to have all kinds of adventures. They dug a 10 foot hole , camouflaged it with bushes , and outfitted it with furniture , army food and a radio.It was their private little world. Until one day , I was walking across the backyard and fell in it. I guess since it was not a secret anymore, the novelty wore off and they decided to move the club to the old shed in the backyard. So they stashed discarded furniture , books , a tent ,food , dishes. etc. You name it , they put it in there.They even rigged up some way of making it a two storey hide out. I really think they could have lived out there if they had to. Once they had finished getting it just right , they got a can of spray paint and proudly wrote " No Grils Allowed" above the door to their club. I didn't have the heart to tell them they had misspelled Girls. I didn't figure it mattered anyway. There were no girls in our family and I had not seen any in the neighborhood.

Sometimes when all the boys are together visiting , they'll be in a room laughing and talking , and when I or one of their wives walk in they'll look up , and with tears of laughter in their eyes they'll say , "Hey , no girls allowed!" They look so happy , it makes us want to share in the joke , to be a part of "the club".A wave of nostalgia will wash over me , and although I love the men they have become , I still miss the little boys they were.

The boys spent many summers in that backyard. I wonder if they dreamed about who they would marry when they grew up , or what they would be. Did they think about places far away that they would travel to when they were grown? Inside the house I dreamed about taking them to Disney land. I never did get to , but I don't think they missed it. They were happy in their make believe world they invented out there. I remember going out in their club one hot summer night and the boys started hollering , "Hey , no girls allowed!" Joey , the baby of them all , came to my rescue. "She's not a girl " he said , "she's our mom."

We lived in that house with my mama . After a few years we moved to another town , but my mama still lived in that house when she passed away. It's been about 20 years since the boys painted that sign. A few years ago , I traveled back to Helena , to visit my mama and daddy's graves. I drove by the old house , and sadly saw that it had been torn down. But through my tears , I saw that old shed still standing there and that my boys words had endured. " No grils allowed "

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Emergency room adventure

So I had to go to the emergency room Sunday night about my knee. I couldn't walk so I needed to go see what was wrong with me. I took myself cause I don't like my husbands driving. Well , I exaggerate. I could walk , but like Tim Conway when he would play the old man on Carol Burnett , if anyone remembers that. Only he could go faster than me. Anyway , I was in awful pain , so I go to the emergency room and I have to park ACROSS THE STREET. There are so many people having emergency's that the lot is full. I know that I'm in for a fun-filled night.

So I park and begin my slow shuffle across the road. Not much chance of getting hit because in my pain filled daze , I neglected to change clothes before I left. I have on my sponge bob pj's , which consist of : 1 NEON yellow t-shirt that comes down to my knees , 1 pair of flannel NEON yellow pants with sponge bob plastered all over , 1 pair of NEON yellow sponge bob crocs (they have his face on it).Oh and I have bright red hair. Can you imagine what I must have looked like? A 52 year old woman doing the Tim Conway shuffle across the road with THAT on? Like I said , I wasn't worried about getting hit , they could see me coming for a mile. And I know they did. By the time I got to the emergency doors people were gathering at the windows and looking out.

I approached the desk and the girl asked me warily if she could help me and I told her that there was something wrong with my knee. She looked relieved , like maybe she thought I was going to be psychotic or something. Anyway , she took my info , told me to have a seat and wait. Which I did . For a l-o-n-g l-o-n-g time. The room was full and I couldn't believe how many people came out of the back. I didn't even know the hospital would hold that many people. While I was there 3 hooter girls came in. I guess they were Hooter girls cause that's what their t-shirts said. You know , have you ever noticed that there is hardly enough room on the t-shirts for all the letters. They all had on itty bitty matching shorts and those t-shirts. One of them was in labor. That gave people something to stare at for awhile besides me.

Anyway , FINALLY , they called my name. After I walked down the mile long hall to my SECOND WAITING ROOM , the male nurse asked me if I could walk. Now he saw me doing the shuffle trying to get down there where he was. But I just sweetly told him yes I could , but it takes me awhile AND I"M IN TERRIBLE FREAKING PAIN COULDN'T YOU SEE ME COMING WHY DIDN"T YOU COME GET ME IN A WHEELCHAIR WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!? He didn't blink an eye , just told me , " Hi , I'm John and I'll be your server. I mean nurse." Well that made me feel good I'll tell you. Was it a joke or was he really a waiter and this was just something he did on the side? I don't know , too complicated for me to think about right then.

So he puts me in a room and 2 hours later the door pops open and in comes this good looking doctor , about my sons age. And he acts like I've only been sitting there 10 minutes. He's all cheerful and everything. You know what I mean? You've been there before , haven't you?
"So " , he says , "On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad would you say the pain is?"

"Well that depends. If I hold my breath and don't move at all, it's a 1. But if I so much as try to BREATHE ITS A TEN!"
So he starts pulling my sponge bob pants leg up and I'm trying to remember if that is the leg I shaved this month or if it was the other one. Before I can figure that out he tells me to kick off my crocs so he can see if my feet are swollen , and that's when I see MY TOES! I had forgotten all about them!

Let me tell you about my toes. Before my knee went out I had put on the fake french toenails. They were really cute. And very noticeable , cause they were a little long and purple with white stripes . They looked adorable. When they were all there. But since I couldn't wear my sandals with my feet swollen , the crocs had knocked some of them off. I hadn't been able to bend over and fix them with my knee like that. So out comes my swollen feet , with 2 purple toenails on one foot , and three on the other one. OMG! Embarrassed is not the word. The doctor sat there and contemplated them a minute , then looked up at me and said , " Do those come in yellow , cause the purple kinda clashes with the sponge bob , don't you think?" I mumbled something , but I don't remember what. I've tried to block that part from my memory. And then when I didn't think that things could get worse , a toenail fell out of my shoe. Well , as much as I hated to ask , I didn't have a choice. I couldn't reach it and I needed that toenail. The set didn't come with extras. So I had to ask the doctor if he would hand me my toenail.

So he tells me whats wrong with me and puts this huge Velcro strapped leg brace thing on me and I'm free to go. So I shuffle out the door , but now its more of a zombie shuffle because of the brace , than a Tim Conway shuffle. At the road , cars have to stop and let me go across. I know they're looking at me and I try to go faster , but I just can't. Boy it seemed like it took 30 minutes to get across that road , when in actuality it probably only took 29. Anyway , I almost make it , I'm almost all the way across , when the brace falls off. In the road. I think the sponge bob clothes made me look bigger than I am because it appears that they have given me one made for a 6 foot 5 , 300 pound man. Did I mention how hard it is for me to bend over? But I had to do it , I needed that *amn thing almost as bad as I needed the toenail. So I finally hook it with the end of my finger , and make it to my car. Lean up against the car and strap the thing back on ( 15 minutes ) and try to get in the car. Can't be done. So I unstrap myself ( 15 minutes ) and finally I can sit down in the car. As I drive home , I wonder if I can find toenails in bright yellow.

Monday, July 7, 2008

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Food for Thought

I read today that the instructions that come with Johnson & Johnson rectal thermometers say , in very fine print , " Every rectal thermometer produced by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested before being placed on the market." Now if that doesn't give you something to think about , I don't know what will. I mean , do you REALLY want that thermometer THAT bad , and also , is your job really as bad as you thought it was?

Hi everybody. I hope you all had a great weekend. I've hurt my knee so I'm getting around a little slow , but since I don't type with my knee I should be posting soon. Have a good day!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Pantyhose and push up bras

You sit on the bed vowing that this time when you put the pantyhose on , it's going to be different. You're gonna get it right the first time. So 30 minutes later you finally have them on , even though by now you're drenched in sweat and your ears are burning , meaning your blood pressure has risen. But no've GOT THE PANTYHOSE ON! So you stand up and notice that theres a little itch itch , then it gets worse............and worse..............until they're ITCHING ALL OVER...........but you've got to go or you're gonna be late. So you leave the house ( even though you know better ) with the horrible things on. Do you hate pantyhose as much as I do? And if you've ever worn any , then you know what I mean.Anyway , back to the story............................

Then they start moving. The heels turn around to the front and the waistband rolls down and my tummy POPS over the top...............then they start s-l-i-d-i-n-g down my hips......THEN the CROTCH starts sweating and it was already itching , so now you have a sweaty, itchy crotch with a tummy hanging over flap thingy and heels on the top of your foot. At this point you look pretty deformed , and it doesn't help that you're standing there in the check out at the grocery store , trying to rub your thighs together to help the itching , while at the same time doing a pelvis tuck belly dance kind of thing to try to get your tummy to POP back in , and by now you also look like you have LOOSE skin on your legs because they have started to C-R-A-W-L down your legs and by the time you get home you are nearly pulling your hair out and you're convinced they are ALIVE , so you RUSH into the bathroom , strip the vile things off and FLUSH EM DOWN THE FRIGGING COMMODE!!!!!!!!! Wow , sorry , got carried away there. I'm gonna take a deep breath and try to never , ever think about PANTY HOSE again

Oh yea and I forgot a couple of things. You ever see anyone wearing pantyhose with flipflops or toe sandals? I have and I'm here to tell you that is a sight to see. And I had forgotten about the saggy crotch. Well , its not so much saggy as taut cause it won't go all the way up so the crotch of the pantyhose is suspended about 3 inches below your crotch and stretched like a tightrope so that you walk like Charlie Chaplin. I'm telling you , if you farted in there it would bounce off that stretched crotch and richochet around in there until you took them off. And what about the ones that TWIST when you're putting them on and no matter how many times you redo it , that leg still twists so that by the time you get to the top of your thigh it's so tight that it has your thigh squeezed to about the size of your ankle? Ya'll have had them do that haven't you? Then there are the ones that are made..I don't know . they're just made funny so that they compress you so that it looks like your tummy is in back and your *ss is in front , which would work fine if you could walk backwards everywhere you go...............

One time I wore one of those half cup push up bra things and pantyhose at the same time. I'm serious. I had never worn one before so I didn't know that everytime I bent over the boobs would pop out. I guess I'm just not made for those things. Anyway , so I would straighten up and I would look like I had 4 of them .......the two boobs hanging over the top , and the parts of the two that were still in the bra............SO by the time that I got those babies put back in .......the pantyhose would start sliding down and out would pop the old tummy , so then I would bend over to grab the pantyhose by the ankles before they got away , and start working them back up to my tummy ,.....and then out would pop the boobs again..........I think I was at a funeral that day , and although I barely knew her , people thought we were best friends because by the time I left there I was crying so hard , and I could hardly walk ( due to the tightrope stretched crotch ) and my thigh , ( the ankle sized one ) had gone numb , so I practially had to be carried to the car..............well , I 've went off on a rant again......I really need to get a life.......

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Ran across these this morning...............

Funny Moms Stories #1: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better

Funny Moms Stories #3: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


I used to be the kind of person that read the cereal box while I was eating. Not any more. Not after I read the can of Potted meat once while munching a potted meat sandwich. Potted meat. That sounds pretty gross anyway , but boy wait until you read whats in it.

You really have to be careful what you read now days. Cause if you read too much , you'll be afraid to go to sleep , eat anything , drive the car , brush your teeth , drink a glass of water........... The list is endless. The other day my grandson was getting ready to get on a bus to go on vacation. He needed a pair of headphones , so I stopped at the store , ran in and got a pair and ran back out to the car. The bus was due in 10 minutes , so I started ripping open the package ( not an easy job ) and then I saw THE WARNING in little bitty tiny print. It said " Warning: This device contains chemicals known to contain cancer producing agents. Wash hands immediately after handling." What the *ell? I'm supposed to let my grandson stick those in his EARS? Right next to his BRAIN? And how the *ell is he supposed to get them in his ears without using his hands anyway?

I wasn't going to let him have them but he insisted that everything in the world had that warning on it and the bus was fixing to come and he had to GO! While, we stood there and waited on the bus ( it was 2 hours late ) I made him promise to wash his hands after he put them in his ears , and to wash his ears after he used them. Why don't they just make the things out of SOMETHING ELSE?

Then there are the labels that don't make any sense. And packages that you can't get open. What about medicine. I guess childproof caps are good. (Although my little boys can get them open , but I can't) . What about childproof caps on ...say ....muscle relaxers. You're ok on the first one , but what you gonna do when it comes time to take the second one? If the first one worked , wouldn't you be too relaxed and drooly to get that blasted bottle open. What kind of bottles do they put nitro pills for heart attacks in? It better be something pretty easy , I'll tell you that , cause I *amn near had a heart attack the other day trying to get a bottle of Advil open for my PMS. What about the medicine you take so you'll feel good enough to go TO WORK , and then you read , " DO NOT DRIVE OR OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY AFTER TAKING." Well , i should have read that BEFORE I took it , cause now what am I supposed to do , walk to work?

And all the warnings about injury or death. WARNING: WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR INJURY OR DEATH AS A RESULT OF USAGE OF THIS PRODUCT. And they think , after reading that, that I'm gonna get on that ride , or drink that , or eat this , or rub that under my arms , or put that on my head? Not me! I think from now on I'll just dig a well for water , grow all my own food, stop shaving under my arms and walk to work. And oh yea, I'm not reading anything else , cause it makes me have nightmares. And I sure ain't taking a sleeping pill.