Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Hey I really miss ya'll...........

but I haven't had internet for awhile. I'm writing this from a friends house , if I still have any readers....just to let ya'll know I'm ok. I was afraid that some of you might think that my husband killed me over the snake.........anyway, hope to have my internet back on soon. Have a great christmas and see you soon.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Aging Gracefully

There are certain problems you run into when you have children at my age. Like remembering where you left them each morning when you drop them off at school. The teachers get really angry if you don't come back and pick them up. I guess they think you're out having fun , while they take care of your kids for you. In reality , you're driving around town trying to remember where you left them. If it's a really bad day , you're at home happily puttering away , having forgotten entirely that you even have school aged children.

Seriously though , the other day I read that experts say that women lose 10% of their brain cells when they're pregnant. I have 6 boys. If this is true , then I'm in deep *hit.

Something else I read: I read that your nose and ears never stop growing. That explains why my grandpa had such huge ears. And my grandma. I guess I inherited it from both sides and it seems that at the rate I'm going , by the time I get to be 70 , I'll look like an elf. Or with my luck , a troll. You want to talk to someone about aging gracefully , you better talk to someone that didn't have big ears to start with. Don't talk to ME about it , cause I'm pretty *issed.

My nose is OK I guess. It was kinda small to start with , so when I get old ( OK , I hear you snickering , I mean REALLY old ) maybe it'll be normal sized.

There's another problem that we women have as we age , that men don't have to deal with. The older we get , the bigger our purses get. I used to laugh at my mama and grandma about this. They would carry around these huge , suitcase sized purses full of God only knows what. Remember the show 'Lets Make A deal' ? The guy used to ask if you had outlandish things in your purse and if you did , you would win. I would beg my mama to go on that show , cause I just knew she could make us rich. Anyway , I SWORE that when I got older I wouldn't carry those huge purses.

Which brings me to the point of my visit to the doctor the other day. I try to avoid looking in the mirror as I get older , but sometimes its necessary, like when I'm brushing my teeth. So I was brushing my teeth the other night when I noticed that my left shoulder was about 2 inches lower than my right one. Which might not have been a huge problem by itself , but this also made my left arm look about three inches longer than the other one. Which gave me a slightly monkeyish appearance on that side. Well , I'm not one to run to the doctor over every little thing , but I feared that if I didn't go check it out , soon my arm would be dragging the ground , and then what would I do? Anyway , the doctor told me that my purse was too heavy! Well , I never heard such a thing! If he hadn't of tried to move it out of his way , and found that he couldn't lift it , I don't think he would have jumped to that conclusion. Can you believe that he suggested that I carry a smaller purse? Well I wasn't born yesterday you know, and sometimes you just have to do what you thing is best. I decided to just start carrying my purse on my right side , and I figured that after a few days things would even out.......................

By the way , have you ever noticed what women call their purses? My grandma called hers a POCKETBOOK. My mama called hers a PURSE. My daughters-in-law call theirs a BAG. I call mine a purse , and I guess when I get old ( er ) I'll call mine a pocketbook. I don't know how I skipped the part when I should have been calling it a bag. I guess I was so busy having babies I probably didn't even have time to carry a purse. I don't remember. That information is probably in that 60 % of brain cells I lost . Which leaves me with only 40 % to work with. I guess by the time I get really old , people will be able to tell how many children I had just by the way I act. Which should be interesting. I only hope that I'll have enough brain cells left to write it down...........

Friday, August 22, 2008

Just have a few minutes..........

Have to work today , blast it. Want to say that 'Twas the night before school started ' was a
' what if ' poem. Of course , I'm sure you figured that out! Our hamsters really did have babies , and I really did find the lost ones , much as described. That part is true! But I didn't really send them to school. I did however , REALLY think about it , but decided I would get in trouble or detention or something if I tried it. That blasted hamster had 7 babies. Should I name them after the 7 dwarfs?

When we discovered the babies , I was on the phone with my son , Toby. All my boys have a smart*ss kind of sense of humor ( don't know why ). Anyway , we were all screaming and and shouting about the babies. Jordan and Cane were hopping up and down excited. I was pretty frantic. I told Toby , "What am I gonna do?!! Won't they eat them? Don't I have to take the male away"? Toby said , " Calm down mama , yes all you have to do is take the male away". " How will I know which one that is"? I shouted into the phone. There was a pregnant pause and Toby said ,...................................." Well geez , mama , don't take the one with the TITTIES"!!! Don't ya think THAT would make a great title for a story someday?

Have a great day everyone , and I'll be back tonight , after I'm done doing something that actually pays the bills.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Twas the night before school started

Twas the night before school started , and all through the towns
mothers were rejoicing and acting like clowns.
The backpacks were packed by moms with care
Hoping that 8 a.m soon would be there.

The children were tucked away in their beds
While visions of freedom danced in moms heads.
And Dad in his boxers , and I in my gown
Looked forward to morning coming around.

When out in the bedroom there arose such a clatter
I ran to their room to see whats the matter.
"I need more water" , my son said in a flash
" Why certainly" I said , but my teeth they did gnash.

The moon through the window let me see
That a hamster was slowly creeping past me.
Then what did my twitching eyes behold
But another hamster and this one was bold.

I may be an old woman , but I dashed really quick
And caught those *amn hamsters with hardly a flick.
I was happier than ever I can honestly say
I rushed to the aquarium to put them away.

Oh my God! My Lord! What did I ever do?
Looking in the aquarium I saw there were no longer just two.
I was frantic , I was worried ,I was climbing the wall.
" Now *amn it , just *amn it , *amn it all!

As sure as I'm sitting here, this I can say
The hamsters had babies and in the cedar they lay.
So out to the medicine cabinet I flew
I don't know how many Advil I took
But it was much more than two.

And then in a twinkling I heard the sound of a claw
Turning real quick , do you know what I saw?
That last escaped hamster was running around
But I caught him in a sack , with a leap and a bound.

He was dressed all in fur from his head to his foot
(of course , cause he's a hamster) and he was covered in soot.
In the aquarium I let him out of the sack
And he looked up at me like he was glad to be back.

My eyes how they twinkled , my dimples how merry
I looked like I had picked the very best cherry.
But then I remembered , to great dismay
That we had baby hamsters , no way could they stay.

So I worried and worried , and clenched my teeth
And wondered if I would ever get any sleep.
What to do with all those hamsters , you see
Oh zippity do da , it's so great being me.

I'm chubby and plump , a right jolly old elf
I'm cheerful and kind and can laugh at myself.
So what did I do , I wondered , you see
To always have *hit happening to me!

I spoke not a word , but went straight to work
And filled all the backpacks , and turned with a jerk
And laying my finger aside my nose
from beside the backpacks I quickly rose.

I sprang to my bed ,and gave a sigh of relief
And hoped that I could soon drift off to sleep.
The next morning as I dropped the boys off at school
I heard people shouting and screaming with fright
And they heard me exclaim , as I drove out of sight
"Good riddance to hamsters , now I can sleep at night"!

I've been tagged..........

by smalltownlouisianagirl . Here are the rules :
1. Link the person who tagged you
2. Mention the rules on your blog
3. Talk about 6 unspectacular quirks you have
4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them
5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger's blogs letting them know they have been tagged

And my quirks are :

1. I am addicted to Sonic ice.........I buy it by the bag.
2. I have to lay on my left side to be able to fall asleep.
3. I don't eat meat.
4. I won't say bye on the phone to people I love....I always say I love you.
5. I have to have a fan on at night to sleep.
6. I am superstitious

Wow! I am more unspectacular than I thought. Bummer! Anyway , I am tagging..........


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Look what I won! Thanks to Kim at bugsandbunnies for giving me this award. And thanks for helping me with this post. You did most of the work , Kim. I can make a link!!!! I feel like I won the lottery!
I would like to nominate Nicole. Congrats!

Moms are from earth.........Dads are from........somewhere else.

Moms are grounded in the earth , like mother nature . They take charge and know how to do everything. If a mom doesn't know how to do something , then she can ask her mother and she'll know. Like the saying goes , " Mothers know a lot , but Grandmothers know everything". We learn from an early age to be nurturing and giving. I don't know what happened to the dads. Men expect us to do everything. They can be rocket scientists or doctors , lawyers or wrestlers. It doesn't matter. The minute they walk in the door , they become helpless. My husband used to meet me at the door if I had been gone from the house for more than 10 minutes. Was he meeting me at the door because he had missed me so much? Not a chance. Picture it; I struggle to the door with both arms full of groceries and a boy attached to my leg. Husband opens the door and he says .................."I'm hungry."

Well , holy *hit , I think. Who cares. I've just spent 3 hours in Wal-mart with two fighting boys.Who gives a flying fig if you're hungry. But I don't say this. I just stumble to the kitchen , carrying my bags , while he trails behind me like a lost soul. I put the bags down , thinking
that someone must have stolen all our food while I was gone. But no , I open the fridge and see : sandwich stuff , half a ham , leftovers from dinner, fruit , etc, etc.
"Well , why didn't you make yourself a sandwich?" I foolishly ask
"You want me to fix my own sandwich?" he asks me , incredulously. I don't even bother to answer because we've been playing this scene for years. He just does not get the concept of feeding himself. It makes me wonder if I dropped dead today , if he would starve , or would instinct for survival kick in. Somehow I doubt it. I think when men get married , that instinct dies , along with common sense , and the ability to watch their own kids.

God forbid that I go somewhere and leave the kids under his watchful eye. To him "Will you watch the kids?" is translated as "naptime." Last time I left the kids with him , I came home to find him asleep and Jordan on the roof. The boys had eaten : a box of Popsicles, two bags of chips , a bag of cookies and some dog food. ( don't ask). No wonder Jordan was on the roof. I'm sure , after all that sugar , he thought he could fly.

And what about the dads that feel like they have to tell you everything , rather than do something about it. "Jordan is picking his nose." "Cane wants a drink." "Jordan needs to go to the bathroom." Good Lord , if I had of wanted a tattle-tale , I would have had another kid!

While the mothers feet are firmly planted on the ground , planning dinner , thinking about school clothes, wondering how the budget is going to fit all the bills this month, the dads are in la-la land making elaborate plans. They talk about : another car, a vacation , a condo , or whatever. It doesn't matter what it is , as long as it costs a lot .

I really believe they come from a different planet. I mean , they act like they wake up in a different world everyday. They will ask you where the towels are , even if they've been in the same place for 20 years. You can replace towels with any word. It doesn't matter. They don't know where ANYTHING is. They will even ask you where their shoes are , for Pete's sake. Like we wore them and left them in some hidden place , you know?

And around here , everything bad becomes mine.My husband has a bad habit of telling me that : I have a stain on the carpet or a bad apple in the fridge or a tear in the curtain. You get the picture. The other day he walked in the room and said "You've got ants." I looked down to see if ants were crawling on me , or if I had ants in my pants , but I couldn't find any. "What do you mean , I've got ants?" I asked. "Come see". I followed him to the kitchen where there was a little trail of ants happily making their way across the kitchen counter. I stood and stared at them a minute , then ran and grabbed a magnifying glass. "What are you doing?" he shouted. ( my husband , although 6 foot 4 , is scared of bugs) "Why don't you kill them or something?" "Just a minute." I told him . I carefully examined them with the magnifying glass , then looked at him and said " No. you're wrong. Those aren't MY ants. I've never seen them before in my life. They must be YOURS." With that I walked out of the kitchen and left him to deal with them on his own. Besides , I had to get Jordan off the roof.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Moving in with my son

When I'm an old lady,
I'll live with my son...
I'll make his life happy
And filled with such fun;
I want to pay back
All the joy he's provided;
Returning each deed...
Oh! He'll be so excited!

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
I'll write on the wall
With red, white, and blue;
And bounce on the furniture
While wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton
And then leave it out;
I'll stuff all the toilets,
And oh!...will he shout!

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
When he's on the phone
And just out of reach...
I'll get into things
Like sugar and bleach;
Oh, he'll snap his fingers
And then shake his head;
And when things get tough...
I'll hide under the bed.

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
I'll sit close to the TV,
Through the channels I'll click;
I'll cross both my eyes
To see if they stick;
I'll take off my socks
And throw one away,
And play in the mud
Until the end of the day.

When I'm an old lady
And live with my son...
When he cooks dinner
And calls me to meals,
I'll not eat my green beans
Or salads congealed;
I'll gag on my oatmeal,
Spill milk on the table,
And when he gets angry,
I'll run as fast as I'm able.

And later in bed,
I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer
And then close my eyes;
My son will look down
With a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan,
"She's so sweet when she's sleeping."

written by Joann Bailey Baxter

Monday, August 11, 2008

Back to school.................

It's almost here. There are 5 days ,7 hours and 26 minutes until school starts. Not that I'm counting or anything , you know? But gosh , this has been a loooooooooong summer. I love my boys more than anything in the world , but I'm ready. They are too , although they won't admit it. They are beginning to get bored and they fight constantly. I ought to write a book called "He ain't the boss a me. " I think every mother in the world would buy it , cause they can identify with it. I have heard that about a thousand times this summer.

You ever think about the tons of paperwork they have you fill out the first day of school? I mean , they ask you about 100 times what your address and phone number is. On different pieces of paper. I feel like I should just get a stamp made with my address and phone number and stamp all those blasted pieces of paper. They want to make SURE they can find you in case you don't come back to pick up the kids. And did you know that they check , before you get out the door, to make sure you're not using a fake address and phone number? I won't tell you how I found that out.................

Then when you get them settled in and think everything is going to go smoothly you start getting the papers sent home. I get papers telling me they are sending papers , then I get papers asking me if I received the papers! Last year I was going to be so organized....I bought little plastic boxes for incoming papers and outgoing papers. Trust me on this: Don't waste your money on little plastic boxes CAUSE THEY DON'T MAKE ANY BIG ENOUGH. If you have a
spare room in your house , just use that. Just open the door , throw em in there , and shut the door. You get used to it after awhile. True , when you need a paper , you'll have to wade through a room full of papers , but at least they'll all be in the same place.

Which brings me to the next thing I wanted to talk about. Fundraisers.Last year when I got home from dropping my kids off the first day of school , there was a message on my phone from the school telling me that the fundraiser had begun. I live 5 minutes from the school. I don't know why they just didn't tell me to my face , but I guess they were scared.......... I'm all for raising money for the school , but why won't they just send a note home like this:
ATTENTION: You must send $20.00 by tomorrow for our '2nd day of school fundraiser' , or keep your kid at home. We are serious: If you can't send the money , we understand , but your kid can't come to school without it.
Everyone would send it , believe me , cause it's been a looooooooooong summer, you know what I mean?

But can they do that? Oh no! They have to send home a big colorful brochure with a picture of the worlds best bike on it. It says:
ATTENTION: We are having a fundraiser. If your child sells 1000 bars of candy he may or may not receive this bike. If he sells 1-999 bars of candy , he will receive a balloon. Please support our school and your child in this endeavor.
Well , Holy *hit. I don't know 1000 people , and the ones I do know , half of em are diabetic or something. But there my little boys stand , with stars in their eyes , so excited that they are hopping up and down. And I tell you , they ain't jumping up and down because of the balloon.

Well, so you call everybody you know and after being on the phone for 2 hours you have sold 19 bars of candy. Only 981 to go. Twice. If you live in a really small town , you're screwed. I'm serious. I once lived in a town with only 618 people. But that's a whole nuther story , and I'm getting off track here.

Anyway, I can't send the boys out door to door alone , and their dad has better sense than I do , so he's not gonna do it. So the first house we go to looks like the Texas Chainsaw Massacre people live there. There are bones and stuff hanging from the porch. But there's a lot of candy wrappers in the yard so I figure they're good candidates. So after telling the boys to run get their daddy if someone pulls me in the door , I knock. My knees are knocking too.
"$20.00 worth-LEAVE IT ON THE PORCH!"
Well OK then, I think , how are we supposed to get paid for it? But about that time a 20 dollar bill slides out from under the door. Well , this ain't so bad , I think , as I lay 20 bars of candy next to the door.
3 hours and 15 minutes later we have only sold 5 more. But we had a goat and 2 cats follow us home , so I guess the day wasn't a total waste. I actually contemplated keeping the goat , thinking that it would make up for the bikes they weren't going to get. But being a smart woman , I decided that it would be easier to buy 2 bikes than try to upkeep a goat. I would have bought the candy myself so the boys would have a chance at the bikes from the school , but with 2 boys that would have been nearly 2000 bars. And after all , they won't feel left out when they hand out the prizes cause they will get the balloons. And besides , theres no room in the freezer because of the candy from the year before .......................

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Dear Hartz..............

Dear Hartz,
I am writing this letter in regards to your Play City Hamster Cage. I suppose a play city for hamsters is a good idea , and would provide them hours of entertainment , IF they were ever actually in the cage long enough to be entertained. I purchased 4 of your cages , brought them home and put them together. (which I might add was not an easy task.) Upon completion , I put the hamsters in the cages and that's when the fun really began. First of all , the wheel attachment on the side: The hamster would have to weigh 50 pounds to be able to turn that wheel , in which case he would not fit inside the cage , so that is a useless attachment. As soon as they figured out that they couldn't turn the wheel , they carried all their cedar into it and made a bed. When they were bored with that , they took the wheel apart , thus creating a hole to escape through. Luckily I saw what was going on and caught them in the toy box. Put them back in the cage ,put the enclosed stopper in the hole and went to bed. I find I'm curious as to why you enclosed a stopper for the wheel hole. Did you know that the hamsters would take it off?

Anyway , next morning , checking on them , I find NO *AMN HAMSTERS IN THE CAGES! Do you know what this means? It means THEY ARE LOOSE IN MY HOUSE! I happen to be scared of them. If you wonder why I bought a bunch of hamsters and 4 cages if I was scared of them I will tell you. 3 cages and 6 hamsters were supposed to go home with my grandchildren. We were SUPPOSED to have 1 cage and 2 hamsters. IF they would stay in their cages , I would be able to handle 2 CAGED hamsters. I cannot handle 8 loose hamsters in my house.

How did they get out , you may ask? Well , I can't say for sure , as they didn't leave a note. But I can say for sure that they are gone, baby , gone. And they didn't eat each other as I have heard hamsters are prone to do , because if they had , there would have to be at least one really fat one left, know what I mean?

Of course the grandchildren were heartbroken , so there was nothing I could do but go buy more hamsters , but I made sure that they stayed in a shoebox until the kids took them home. All of the above mentioned hamsters are still at large , except one. He was apprehended at 4 a.m one morning , as I sat sleepless , and happened to see him creep under the dining room table. Where do you think the other 7 have gone to? I have not had much sleep since their escape , but I am still rational enough to know that after 2 weeks , I probably won't find them. Unless I smell something strange and follow my nose. Which I can tell you I am not looking forward to.

This is also greatly effecting my ..........umm.....relations with my husband. If he touches me in the dark at night , I jump out of the bed and run screaming from the room. I keep telling him it's the hamsters , but it is beginning to give him an inferiority complex , and I fear that he will have a middle age crisis soon. And I a nervous breakdown. Besides for the fact that he is still looking for the snake and now he has to worry about loose hamsters too , so he is not getting much sleep either. Which is making him late for work. I would hate for him to loose his job , because it would be on your company's head , I tell you.

Also , you state on your advertisement that the play city's wire bars promote plenty of fresh air and owner interaction. Pu-leeze. They are probably getting plenty of fresh air wherever they may be , but if I step on one in the middle of the night , the owner interaction is not gonna be pretty.

Anyway , I am writing this letter because I was not satisfied with the result of the phone call I made to your company. True , you offered to replace all of the cages or refund the money. I don't want the cages replaced. What am I gonna do , go buy some more hamsters and put them in your wonderful fresh air cages? Yea , right , like that's gonna happen. And I don't want the money. I want someone to come find these **&()&*^^**^^* hamsters. And I think it should be someone from your company. I think that if you had to fly someone to my house , and have them crawl around on their knees until the hamsters were apprehended , then maybe next time you made a cage you might put the frigging bars just a wee bit closer.

Now I know that this letter has been long winded , but you have to understand that I DON"T HAVE MUCH ELSE TO DO AS I SIT HERE ALL NIGHT AFRAID TO GO TO BED! And I am enclosing a bill. I don't expect you to pay it , but would like for you to see the damage that has been done.

electricity to keep all lights on at night.........$25.00 extra per month
Therapy....................$50.00 per hour
Therapy for my husband..........$50.00 per hour
extra coffee to be able to stay awake in the daytime..........$10.00
replacement of 6 hamsters for grandchildren.....................$72.00
aquarium for lone captured hamster to make sure he doesn't get out.................$10.00
The look on my husbands face when I told him all the hamsters were loose..................priceless

Mrs. Nevergonnabuyanother*amnhamster


Pyzam Glitter Text Maker
Create your own glittery text at pYzam.com


Pyzam Family Sticker Toy
Create your own family sticker graphic at pYzam.com

I made this with all the boys and the dog and two cats , but it will only let me show 4 figures on it. Bummer.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Get em while they're hot...only $19.95..............

When ever I buy something new that I don't know how to use , I try to read the directions first , but curiosity gets the best of me and I usually go ahead and use it ..........then read the directions AFTER it doesn't work right. My mama was the same way , and usually we got it right the first time. Except the time she bought the blow up breasts from Fredrick's of Hollywood. She was going dancing that night and they had come in the mail that day . After getting off work she didn't have much time to get ready so she took out her new breasts ( they were encased in a bra , thank goodness ) slipped them on , inserted the straw , and blew them up. Mama , being a slim women with small breasts , was delighted. Suddenly she had the breasts she had always wanted. I watched as she got ready , and although I thought she was beautiful , I was skeptical about the breasts. "Mama" , I said , "I don't think I'd wear those if I were you." "Why not?" "Well ,because they're FAKE , they aren't really yours. Aren't you afraid people will be able to tell?" "Don't be silly. How could anyone tell? And they certainly are mine.........I paid $19.95 for them.........they belong to me!"

Well , off she went dancing with her new boobs standing proudly at attention. The next morning when I got up , mama was already gone to work. I almost choked on my breakfast , when I opened the garbage can to throw away an eggshell , and found her breasts staring up at me. I couldn't wait for her to get home that night to tell me what had happened. Knowing my mama , I knew it would be a good one! I waited anxiously all day , but finally she got home and I was able to find out what had happened:

She said that things had been going great , she was dancing and having a good time. Her best friend was there and she admired mamas new boobs and was thinking about getting some. Then this one gentleman asked her to dance , and mama said she believed it was the Tango or something like that. She said things were fine until that last dramatic crescendo of music , when the man roughly pulls the woman to him. You know how that dance goes. Can you picture it in your mind? I could, and I was laughing so hard , until she gave me that look that could kill , so I shut up. Anyway , she said , he pulled her to him , and the force caused the stopper or something to pop loose ,and just as the music ended and all was quite, her breasts made this HUGE farting noise , that went on and on and on. She said the man pushed her away and shouted , loud enough for everyone to hear , "Good Lord lady , why dontcha go to the bathroom!"
Well , mama said she grabbed her friend and her purse and rushed out of there like she was on fire and she was NEVER going back! She said she guessed that's what she got for only paying $19.95!

That was the end of mama's breast enlargement experiments. Well except the time she bought the thing with the suction cup and water sprayer that you hooked up to the faucet...........but that's a whole nuther story.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Why I buy lime tortilla chips

Most of the time it's easy to write my stories. I just think back over my day! But sometimes I think and think and nothing comes into my head. Wait! That didn't sound right. What I mean is my mind is blank. Dad gum it , that sounds worse! Oh well , I admit it , my mind is blank most of the time. That's why you can find me quite often wandering around Wal-mart , with that vacant stare in my eyes.

I should hire a shopper to do my grocery shopping. I try , I really do , but most of the time it just doesn't work out for me. Take yesterday , for example. The kids and I went to Wal-mart , to buy groceries. We were there 3 hours. I should have had 3 hours worth of groceries , you'd think. Or at today's prices , at least enough to feed us for 3 hours. When I finally found the out door, we had 2 ipods , a guitar hero game for ds ( which I don't even remember okaying so I think that one was snuck in the basket , so it's going back) some glitter , two wooden airplanes , some cat food , a gallon of milk , and some of those lime tortilla chips (again). I know milk and lime chips don't sound good together , and yes my husband wonders why we have such odd stuff for supper , but hey , I'm 52 years old! I have NO BUSINESS IN WAL-MART WITH A 7 AND 8 YEAR OLD IN THE FIRST PLACE! And he doesn't do such a great job either. The last time he had to do the grocery shopping with the boys , he came home with a screw driver , some duct tape and 4 packs of Yu-gi-oh cards.

OK, they weren't really ipods , they were mp3 players , but the boys think they are. And they play movies and music and photos , so I figured they were good enough. And they cost 150 dollars LESS than ipods. On the way home they were sitting in the back seat holding the boxes ( you know you can't get them open without scissors , a hammer ,screwdriver and a pair of pliers) and Cane says , " Mama, you said these were ipods. This says MP3 player." *hit! Well , I told him what any good honest mother would have. I told him that the reason it says mp3 player is because it is an ipod AND a mp3 player combined , which is much better than a plain old ipod.
Oh I know you think I'm awful ,but I'm telling you the things do a lot! They will hold movies , up to 1900 video clips and photos and 500 songs , just for starters. That's more than enough . I will not feel guilty over this one. After all we went there for hamburger meat and eggs , they should be happy.

The other day when we went to Wal-mart we had to take the hamsters inside with us. We had bought them at the pet store , then we went to Wal-mart for cages. The pet store had them , but ours is a very small pet store and the cages were 50 dollars. I figured they would be cheaper at Wal-mart and we needed 3 of them. So in I go with six kids ( or maybe it was 5 , I don't remember , but it was a lot ) all carrying shoe boxes. The return sticker girl person at the door asked if we were returning them all , and I had to tell her that it was hamsters. She said we don't sell hamsters so you can't return them. I said I know. She wanted to know why we brought them in so I had to tell her that it was 100 degrees outside , and the shoe boxes had a little hole on each end , and we needed cages and they would get too hot in the car , or escape. She said oh, OK , but make sure they don't get out, I'm scared of them. Well slap me silly , but Wal-mart is a BIG place , you know? Does she think if one escapes , that it's gonna make a beeline straight for her?

Oh , and my grand daughter had on : Black high heels with spider webs on them , a black square dance dress , a bright red belt and a plastic princess crown. Don't ask me why she dresses like that when we go some where. She looked pretty normal at the house , she had on jeans and a t shirt , and I told her we were going to go get hamsters and she went and got ready. I guess that's her hamster purchasing clothes? She's 14 and I can't figure her out , so I don't try. She loves me a bunch though. She always tells me her mom won't let her be her self and dress how she wants to , so when I have her, I let her. Once in awhile I get in trouble for it , but hey , what are they gonna do , spank me? Or maybe ground me? That might be fun . No work , no errands , just lay around the house. OK , I'm getting off track. Anyway , we were in there about 3 hours that time too. I have no idea why. They only had ONE KIND OF CAGE , so how in Sam hill could it take that long to pick them out? Well , while we were there Cane did accidentally bump into Eva and knock her shoebox out of her hand and the hamster ran out and around for a few minutes , but it didn't take THAT long to catch it. But I will tell you one thing: Most people are scared of hamsters. At least the people that go to Wal-mart.................

Well OK , sometimes my days get sidetracked and don't go quite as planned. Sometimes I'm scared to get out of bed. I don't know why things like this happen to me. I didn't wake up that morning and say , " Hey , I think we'll go spend the grocery money on ipod/mp3 players and then buy a bunch of hamsters and let one loose in Wal-mart and see what happens." I don't think my husband believes me when I tell him I don't do these things on purpose. And to the security people that have to watch the video tapes at Wal-mart , I SWEAR we didn't let the hamster loose on purpose and it WAS NOT a distraction tactic.

Monday, July 21, 2008


Well I've had the grand kids this past week so haven't had much time to write , but we sure were busy MAKING stories. I did tell y'all I had grand kids didn't I? Even though I still have a 7 and 8 year old. It's been a hoot , I'll tell ya. Just wanted to let y'all know where I've been and will probably post tonight. Oh by the way. You know how when you got a bunch of little boys , they're always dragging home animals and having hamsters and gerbils and snakes and stuff? Well , while the grand kids were here I bought them all hamsters and everything they needed! And I made sure that each pair I sent home had a boy and girl. The kids were all so excited. We put them in those little balls and let them race. As many kids as I've got , it looked like the Grand Prix around here. Wasn't that sweet of me? When Paul picked up the kids and hugged me goodbye , I thought I saw tears in his eyes. I'm sure it was because he misses me and had nothing at all to do with all the hamsters he was carrying home............................

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Been really busy..............

Well first thing this morning my editor called me and asked if I could hurry with the book I was writing for him because he wants me to sign a contract for 6 more. They are only paying 50,000 a piece but thats not too bad. Then the phone rang and it was Playboy , and they wanted exclusive rights to the pictures from Bad Hair Day. Well before I could even get off the phone the doorbell rang. Guess who it was? Publishers clearing house! Yep , they wanted to give me ten million dollars. I accepted but I know thats gonna make me even busier , taking care of and spending all that money. Anyway , then the alarm went off and I woke up , so just letting ya'll know that I'll post a story soon! Have a great day!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Bad Hair Day

I am a woman of little patience so I never do strand tests. Did you know that the hair colour you buy this month may not be the same as the one you buy next month? Even if it says on the box that it is the same brand and color? I think that the people at the factory sit there and say " OK , lets put a shot of this in there and see what happens?" Anyway , so once I was gonna cover my gray and bought a copper colored red as close to what I thought I remembered my natural color to be. Of course it had been so many years since I had seen my natural color that I wasn't quite sure...............

Well , I followed the directions ( except for the part about the strand test , cause I was in a hurry) and started putting it on my head. I took off the gloves cause they were just sliding around anyway , and how hard could dye be to get off your hands right? Then I decided I should leave it on an extra 15 minutes because my gray is pretty persistent ( resistant? ) and THEN I decided that I should put some on my eyebrows so they would match , and while I was at it I thought I would slap some ......you know.....down there. I've always been a matchy , matchy kind of girl. So I did my eyebrows , just took my finger and swiped some on , and then slathered it on down there and.............

HOLY MOTHER OF PEARLS!!!!!! Talk about one hot mama. I mean the thing was on fire! I felt like running around dragging my bottom on the carpet like I've seen dogs do , you know? Well , I jumped in the bathtub and started splashing water on that babie as fast as I could and finally got it off. Boy , I'll never try THAT again. To calm my nerves I went to the kitchen and got a cup of coffee and a magazine and went back to the bathroom. I sat down and started fanning between my legs with the magazine and that's when I remembered.................

The extra 15 minutes had been up when I slathered that stuff on my you know what. Frantically , I ran to look at the clock and saw that it had been on my head for an hour and ten minutes! I jumped in the shower quick and washed it out and climbed out and wrapped a towel around my head. I always had to wait until the boys were in bed to do stuff like this so I wouldn't be interrupted and I saw that it was now 1:00 am. I was exhausted so I stumbled to bed with the towel still around my head. I figured I'd get up in the morning and style my new and improved hair , and I'd be gorgeous , you know what I mean?

So the next morning my husband wakes me up shaking me and saying , " what happened to you?" "Nothing " , I mumbled , and went back to sleep. A little while later I got up and stumbled to the bathroom to do my business and was passing in front of the mirror and OH SWEET LORD!!!!! I staggered back against the wall , clutching my heart. It was ORANGE! Not like when you have red hair and people call you carrot top , but like pop sickle , crayola crayon kinda orange. And sticking straight up on top of my head. And my eyebrows? They looked like they had been finger painted on. I looked like Groucho Marx , only with orange eyebrows instead of black. Well I stuck my head under the faucet and got that mess good and wet so it would lay down and then started on my eyebrows.That's when I saw my hands. Yep , they were orange too, but that was the least of my problems. I scrubbed and scrubbed my eyebrows.I mean I scrubbed those suckers till they were raw.Finally I got them faded so that you would only notice them if you were looking at me.

I grabbed my husbands hat ( the one that said " Real men drive trucks" ) and headed off to wal-mart. There had to be SOMETHING that would cover that orange mess up. At Wal-mart , I figured I better stay away from anything red , and grabbed a box of Ash Blonde...or Brown. I don't remember but that part isn't important. Whats important is the ASH part. Do you know what happens when you put ash on any shade of red? I do. It turns green. I don't mean the 'think you see a slight tint of green' kinda green. I mean kool-aide kinda green.

I decided it was time to seek professional help. At the beauty shop they told me that to get it all out they would have to strip it and take it to palest blonde. For a moment the thought went through my mind that if I bleached DOWN THERE too , I'd be a real blonde. But then , like the girl in the cheap romance novel I remembered the ' her loins were on fire ' incident and quickly put that out of my mind. And I found out that when they say palest blonde they don't really mean blonde. They mean white. I'm talking white as the driven snow , white as a sheet , looked like I'd seen a ghost kinda white. But you know what? My gray was gone so I called it a day.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

No Grils Allowed

When my 4 oldest boys were little and safe in our backyard , things were simpler then. The rules were , don't hit your brothers , don't set anything on fire , and stay in the yard. Sometimes though , they would sneak away , and I would have to hunt them up from whatever adventure they were having. But in the backyard , they built everything they needed to have all kinds of adventures. They dug a 10 foot hole , camouflaged it with bushes , and outfitted it with furniture , army food and a radio.It was their private little world. Until one day , I was walking across the backyard and fell in it. I guess since it was not a secret anymore, the novelty wore off and they decided to move the club to the old shed in the backyard. So they stashed discarded furniture , books , a tent ,food , dishes. etc. You name it , they put it in there.They even rigged up some way of making it a two storey hide out. I really think they could have lived out there if they had to. Once they had finished getting it just right , they got a can of spray paint and proudly wrote " No Grils Allowed" above the door to their club. I didn't have the heart to tell them they had misspelled Girls. I didn't figure it mattered anyway. There were no girls in our family and I had not seen any in the neighborhood.

Sometimes when all the boys are together visiting , they'll be in a room laughing and talking , and when I or one of their wives walk in they'll look up , and with tears of laughter in their eyes they'll say , "Hey , no girls allowed!" They look so happy , it makes us want to share in the joke , to be a part of "the club".A wave of nostalgia will wash over me , and although I love the men they have become , I still miss the little boys they were.

The boys spent many summers in that backyard. I wonder if they dreamed about who they would marry when they grew up , or what they would be. Did they think about places far away that they would travel to when they were grown? Inside the house I dreamed about taking them to Disney land. I never did get to , but I don't think they missed it. They were happy in their make believe world they invented out there. I remember going out in their club one hot summer night and the boys started hollering , "Hey , no girls allowed!" Joey , the baby of them all , came to my rescue. "She's not a girl " he said , "she's our mom."

We lived in that house with my mama . After a few years we moved to another town , but my mama still lived in that house when she passed away. It's been about 20 years since the boys painted that sign. A few years ago , I traveled back to Helena , to visit my mama and daddy's graves. I drove by the old house , and sadly saw that it had been torn down. But through my tears , I saw that old shed still standing there and that my boys words had endured. " No grils allowed "

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Emergency room adventure

So I had to go to the emergency room Sunday night about my knee. I couldn't walk so I needed to go see what was wrong with me. I took myself cause I don't like my husbands driving. Well , I exaggerate. I could walk , but like Tim Conway when he would play the old man on Carol Burnett , if anyone remembers that. Only he could go faster than me. Anyway , I was in awful pain , so I go to the emergency room and I have to park ACROSS THE STREET. There are so many people having emergency's that the lot is full. I know that I'm in for a fun-filled night.

So I park and begin my slow shuffle across the road. Not much chance of getting hit because in my pain filled daze , I neglected to change clothes before I left. I have on my sponge bob pj's , which consist of : 1 NEON yellow t-shirt that comes down to my knees , 1 pair of flannel NEON yellow pants with sponge bob plastered all over , 1 pair of NEON yellow sponge bob crocs (they have his face on it).Oh and I have bright red hair. Can you imagine what I must have looked like? A 52 year old woman doing the Tim Conway shuffle across the road with THAT on? Like I said , I wasn't worried about getting hit , they could see me coming for a mile. And I know they did. By the time I got to the emergency doors people were gathering at the windows and looking out.

I approached the desk and the girl asked me warily if she could help me and I told her that there was something wrong with my knee. She looked relieved , like maybe she thought I was going to be psychotic or something. Anyway , she took my info , told me to have a seat and wait. Which I did . For a l-o-n-g l-o-n-g time. The room was full and I couldn't believe how many people came out of the back. I didn't even know the hospital would hold that many people. While I was there 3 hooter girls came in. I guess they were Hooter girls cause that's what their t-shirts said. You know , have you ever noticed that there is hardly enough room on the t-shirts for all the letters. They all had on itty bitty matching shorts and those t-shirts. One of them was in labor. That gave people something to stare at for awhile besides me.

Anyway , FINALLY , they called my name. After I walked down the mile long hall to my SECOND WAITING ROOM , the male nurse asked me if I could walk. Now he saw me doing the shuffle trying to get down there where he was. But I just sweetly told him yes I could , but it takes me awhile AND I"M IN TERRIBLE FREAKING PAIN COULDN'T YOU SEE ME COMING WHY DIDN"T YOU COME GET ME IN A WHEELCHAIR WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!? He didn't blink an eye , just told me , " Hi , I'm John and I'll be your server. I mean nurse." Well that made me feel good I'll tell you. Was it a joke or was he really a waiter and this was just something he did on the side? I don't know , too complicated for me to think about right then.

So he puts me in a room and 2 hours later the door pops open and in comes this good looking doctor , about my sons age. And he acts like I've only been sitting there 10 minutes. He's all cheerful and everything. You know what I mean? You've been there before , haven't you?
"So " , he says , "On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad would you say the pain is?"

"Well that depends. If I hold my breath and don't move at all, it's a 1. But if I so much as try to BREATHE ITS A TEN!"
So he starts pulling my sponge bob pants leg up and I'm trying to remember if that is the leg I shaved this month or if it was the other one. Before I can figure that out he tells me to kick off my crocs so he can see if my feet are swollen , and that's when I see MY TOES! I had forgotten all about them!

Let me tell you about my toes. Before my knee went out I had put on the fake french toenails. They were really cute. And very noticeable , cause they were a little long and purple with white stripes . They looked adorable. When they were all there. But since I couldn't wear my sandals with my feet swollen , the crocs had knocked some of them off. I hadn't been able to bend over and fix them with my knee like that. So out comes my swollen feet , with 2 purple toenails on one foot , and three on the other one. OMG! Embarrassed is not the word. The doctor sat there and contemplated them a minute , then looked up at me and said , " Do those come in yellow , cause the purple kinda clashes with the sponge bob , don't you think?" I mumbled something , but I don't remember what. I've tried to block that part from my memory. And then when I didn't think that things could get worse , a toenail fell out of my shoe. Well , as much as I hated to ask , I didn't have a choice. I couldn't reach it and I needed that toenail. The set didn't come with extras. So I had to ask the doctor if he would hand me my toenail.

So he tells me whats wrong with me and puts this huge Velcro strapped leg brace thing on me and I'm free to go. So I shuffle out the door , but now its more of a zombie shuffle because of the brace , than a Tim Conway shuffle. At the road , cars have to stop and let me go across. I know they're looking at me and I try to go faster , but I just can't. Boy it seemed like it took 30 minutes to get across that road , when in actuality it probably only took 29. Anyway , I almost make it , I'm almost all the way across , when the brace falls off. In the road. I think the sponge bob clothes made me look bigger than I am because it appears that they have given me one made for a 6 foot 5 , 300 pound man. Did I mention how hard it is for me to bend over? But I had to do it , I needed that *amn thing almost as bad as I needed the toenail. So I finally hook it with the end of my finger , and make it to my car. Lean up against the car and strap the thing back on ( 15 minutes ) and try to get in the car. Can't be done. So I unstrap myself ( 15 minutes ) and finally I can sit down in the car. As I drive home , I wonder if I can find toenails in bright yellow.

Monday, July 7, 2008

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
To which he replied. “That would be fine with me.”
Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

Food for Thought

I read today that the instructions that come with Johnson & Johnson rectal thermometers say , in very fine print , " Every rectal thermometer produced by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested before being placed on the market." Now if that doesn't give you something to think about , I don't know what will. I mean , do you REALLY want that thermometer THAT bad , and also , is your job really as bad as you thought it was?

Hi everybody. I hope you all had a great weekend. I've hurt my knee so I'm getting around a little slow , but since I don't type with my knee I should be posting soon. Have a good day!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Pantyhose and push up bras

You sit on the bed vowing that this time when you put the pantyhose on , it's going to be different. You're gonna get it right the first time. So 30 minutes later you finally have them on , even though by now you're drenched in sweat and your ears are burning , meaning your blood pressure has risen. But no matter....you've GOT THE PANTYHOSE ON! So you stand up and notice that theres a little itch itch , then it gets worse............and worse..............until they're ITCHING ALL OVER...........but you've got to go or you're gonna be late. So you leave the house ( even though you know better ) with the horrible things on. Do you hate pantyhose as much as I do? And if you've ever worn any , then you know what I mean.Anyway , back to the story............................

Then they start moving. The heels turn around to the front and the waistband rolls down and my tummy POPS over the top...............then they start s-l-i-d-i-n-g down my hips......THEN the CROTCH starts sweating and it was already itching , so now you have a sweaty, itchy crotch with a tummy hanging over flap thingy and heels on the top of your foot. At this point you look pretty deformed , and it doesn't help that you're standing there in the check out at the grocery store , trying to rub your thighs together to help the itching , while at the same time doing a pelvis tuck belly dance kind of thing to try to get your tummy to POP back in , and by now you also look like you have LOOSE skin on your legs because they have started to C-R-A-W-L down your legs and by the time you get home you are nearly pulling your hair out and you're convinced they are ALIVE , so you RUSH into the bathroom , strip the vile things off and FLUSH EM DOWN THE FRIGGING COMMODE!!!!!!!!! Wow , sorry , got carried away there. I'm gonna take a deep breath and try to never , ever think about PANTY HOSE again

Oh yea and I forgot a couple of things. You ever see anyone wearing pantyhose with flipflops or toe sandals? I have and I'm here to tell you that is a sight to see. And I had forgotten about the saggy crotch. Well , its not so much saggy as taut cause it won't go all the way up so the crotch of the pantyhose is suspended about 3 inches below your crotch and stretched like a tightrope so that you walk like Charlie Chaplin. I'm telling you , if you farted in there it would bounce off that stretched crotch and richochet around in there until you took them off. And what about the ones that TWIST when you're putting them on and no matter how many times you redo it , that leg still twists so that by the time you get to the top of your thigh it's so tight that it has your thigh squeezed to about the size of your ankle? Ya'll have had them do that haven't you? Then there are the ones that are made..I don't know . they're just made funny so that they compress you so that it looks like your tummy is in back and your *ss is in front , which would work fine if you could walk backwards everywhere you go...............

One time I wore one of those half cup push up bra things and pantyhose at the same time. I'm serious. I had never worn one before so I didn't know that everytime I bent over the boobs would pop out. I guess I'm just not made for those things. Anyway , so I would straighten up and I would look like I had 4 of them .......the two boobs hanging over the top , and the parts of the two that were still in the bra............SO by the time that I got those babies put back in .......the pantyhose would start sliding down and out would pop the old tummy , so then I would bend over to grab the pantyhose by the ankles before they got away , and start working them back up to my tummy ,.....and then out would pop the boobs again..........I think I was at a funeral that day , and although I barely knew her , people thought we were best friends because by the time I left there I was crying so hard , and I could hardly walk ( due to the tightrope stretched crotch ) and my thigh , ( the ankle sized one ) had gone numb , so I practially had to be carried to the car..............well , I 've went off on a rant again......I really need to get a life.......

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Ran across these this morning...............

Funny Moms Stories #1: I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better

Funny Moms Stories #3: My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.


I used to be the kind of person that read the cereal box while I was eating. Not any more. Not after I read the can of Potted meat once while munching a potted meat sandwich. Potted meat. That sounds pretty gross anyway , but boy wait until you read whats in it.

You really have to be careful what you read now days. Cause if you read too much , you'll be afraid to go to sleep , eat anything , drive the car , brush your teeth , drink a glass of water........... The list is endless. The other day my grandson was getting ready to get on a bus to go on vacation. He needed a pair of headphones , so I stopped at the store , ran in and got a pair and ran back out to the car. The bus was due in 10 minutes , so I started ripping open the package ( not an easy job ) and then I saw THE WARNING in little bitty tiny print. It said " Warning: This device contains chemicals known to contain cancer producing agents. Wash hands immediately after handling." What the *ell? I'm supposed to let my grandson stick those in his EARS? Right next to his BRAIN? And how the *ell is he supposed to get them in his ears without using his hands anyway?

I wasn't going to let him have them but he insisted that everything in the world had that warning on it and the bus was fixing to come and he had to GO! While, we stood there and waited on the bus ( it was 2 hours late ) I made him promise to wash his hands after he put them in his ears , and to wash his ears after he used them. Why don't they just make the things out of SOMETHING ELSE?

Then there are the labels that don't make any sense. And packages that you can't get open. What about medicine. I guess childproof caps are good. (Although my little boys can get them open , but I can't) . What about childproof caps on ...say ....muscle relaxers. You're ok on the first one , but what you gonna do when it comes time to take the second one? If the first one worked , wouldn't you be too relaxed and drooly to get that blasted bottle open. What kind of bottles do they put nitro pills for heart attacks in? It better be something pretty easy , I'll tell you that , cause I *amn near had a heart attack the other day trying to get a bottle of Advil open for my PMS. What about the medicine you take so you'll feel good enough to go TO WORK , and then you read , " DO NOT DRIVE OR OPERATE HEAVY MACHINERY AFTER TAKING." Well , i should have read that BEFORE I took it , cause now what am I supposed to do , walk to work?

And all the warnings about injury or death. WARNING: WE ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR INJURY OR DEATH AS A RESULT OF USAGE OF THIS PRODUCT. And they think , after reading that, that I'm gonna get on that ride , or drink that , or eat this , or rub that under my arms , or put that on my head? Not me! I think from now on I'll just dig a well for water , grow all my own food, stop shaving under my arms and walk to work. And oh yea, I'm not reading anything else , cause it makes me have nightmares. And I sure ain't taking a sleeping pill.

Monday, June 30, 2008

I'm back

My internet has been messed up so haven't posted in awhile. I should be posting new stories in a day or so. Hey , wonder if anyone even realized I was gone?................

Friday, June 20, 2008

Once upon a time.................

in a land not so far away ( called Arkansas ) there lived a girl (woman , old lady , whatever ) named Avarella. She had two little boys and a husband that were so mean to her , and treated her like a step-mama. They wouldn't mind her and were always asking silly , useless questions like , "whats for supper" and " do you know where my shoes are". Now Avarella scrubbed and cooked and cleaned all day and when the children and her husband came home , they messed it up so she had to do it all over again. Although Avarella did not have to wear rags , she always had one in her hand , so to her it was the same difference , if you know what I mean.

One day when Avarella was in the corner scrubbing Kool-aid stains out of the carpet , she over heard the children and her husband talking about going on a vacation. Vacation! Ha! Avarella had been on one of those before and she knew that they would pretend that they wanted her to come along , but it was just so she could wash their underwear and scrub their stains and cook for them. She wondered if she would ever get a vacation for herself , where she could do what the others did ( lay on their butts , jump and laugh in swimming pool , eat and throw the wrappers on the floor , etc, etc ). Timidly , with rag in hand , she approached them as they were talking about the vacation. " Hey Guys , do you think that this time when we go on vacation , you could maybe........ah.....clean up after yourselves so I can have fun too"? Well they looked at her like she had grown two heads , so she crept back to the corner to attend to her stain.

Well as the day approached for the vacation , Avarella worked her butt off to get them all ready. She cleaned and ironed and packed. She loaded the truck and made sure that they had everything they needed , including plenty of snacks , swimming pool toys , and clothes. She kissed them all and put them in the truck with their father and closed the door and said , " Have a good time. I love you . Ya'll come back now , ya hear"! They looked at her with wide eyed wonder , because she had never done such a thing before. Avarella explained patiently ,that yes indeed , she was staying home this year , and taking her own vacation! Well , it took some doing but after much explaining and talking yadayadayada they finally left and she was a free woman for one week.

Avarella walked ( skipped ) back into the house and listened. She didn't hear anything. It sounded kind of strange , but nice. She decided to listen to some music , NOT COUNTRY , and then she picked out a good book and lay down on the couch and began to read. She hadn't been able to do that in years , except in the middle of the night when everyone else was asleep. She could hear the clock going tick tock tick tock , and just then a mouse ran up the clock, hickory dickory dock , and she wondered why the *amn mouse trap under the sink didn't work. Anyway , back to the book. But she couldn't concentrate , it was just too quite. Avarella decided that she wasn't in the mood for reading anyway. She thought it might be fun to go to her closet and play with all her purses and glass slippers , because she never had time to do that.She barely had time to even dress herself in the mornings. In fact , one day when she was at a PTA meeting she looked down and saw that she had on two different glass slippers and she was very embarrassed because all the other rella's looked very "well-groomed and put together".

Avarella soon grew tired of that so she went to the kitchen and got some ice cream , but she found that it didn't taste as good if she wasn't hiding in the closet to eat it. So she got a snack instead , went back to the couch , and threw the wrapper on the floor. But that made her nervous so she got up and picked it up. On the way to the trash can she saw a drawing on the fridge that said , " dear mama , "I love you becuse you are prutty and you cook goud ". That made her sad , because she realized that she missed her little boys and maybe she should have gone with them. She knew she loved them and she didn't see what was wrong with just wanting some time to herself. Avarella decided to go kiss the frog to see if anything would happen like in the fairy tales. She had to close her eyes to do it because he looked real weird when you got that close , and all that happened was that her lips felt funny. So then she decided to call her Fairy Godperson ( gay cousin in Louisiana ) and see if he had any advice. " If you miss them girl , go catch up with them! No point in staying home if you're not happy", he told her.

So Avarella ran out to get in her golden carriage ( gold mini-van ) but just about that time , she was awakened by someone on the radio screaming , " IT'S MIDNIGHT- DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR HUSBAND IS? YEEEE-HAW"!? So she woke up and realized that she wasn't in kansas ( I mean at home ) anymore. In fact she had been dreaming like in a fairy tale or whatever , and she had been in the truck with her family all along. The boys were in the back seat fighting and her husband was listening to country music and they were on the way to West Virginia , and there was still 15 HOURS TO GO. Avarella cried and begged and screamed for them to let her out of the truck , but they wouldn't do it ,so that was when she realized that they really did love her , even if she did have to wait on them hand and foot. Sometimes that's just what rella's do , you know?

Anyway , to make a long story short ( too late for that ) the moral of this story is , LIFE IS NOT MUCH FUN IF YOU'RE ALL ALONE , oh and also , KISSING FROGS AIN'T WHAT IT'S CRACKED UP TO BE NO MATTER WHAT THE FAIRY TALES SAY. Anyway , so they went to West Virginia and had a good time , although Avarella was very tired when they got home , you know from scrubbing and cooking and yadayada , and they are still living happily ever after.................

but when they got home they discovered that there was an empty snack wrapper on the floor , some of her husbands clothes and a pair of shoes were missing , and the frog was gone..............

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

It was a dark and stormy night....................

the rain was pouring down , thunder roared and lightning flashed every 2 seconds. There was even hail. Now some might think that is perfect sleeping weather , and it was past midnight so it should have been. But I was having a hard time falling to sleep as I clung desperately to my inch of the bed. In my bed , not necessarily in this order , were , Husband , Cane , Jordan ,Booker (weiner dog ) lucky (cat ) ooh-la-faye (cat ) , and somebodys frog. I don't know who the frog belongs to ,as no one will claim him , for fear they will have to maintain him. They shouldn't worry about that though , cause I can't catch him , even if I wanted to feed him. I've tried to catch him for about a week. Believe me , if I could catch him , he wouldn't have been in my bed.
I had no idea that frogs were scared of storms.

There are two other beds in this house , as well as various couches , love seats and recliners. I should have got up and went to another bed , but I had this idea that if one of the boys woke up scared from the storm that mama should be there. So I clung on. First I tried lying on the side that I always go to sleep on , but there wasn't enough room for my whole side . So then I tried putting Canes leg over my hip , and Jordan's arm around my neck , while the cats and dogs snored at our feet. That didn't work either. So i carefully draped my legs over Canes body and that seemed to give me just enough room for my upper torso on my inch of the bed. Oh maybe I should tell you that we don't generally let all the animals sleep with us , this isn't a zoo you know , but as I said it was a dark and stormy night....and I guess we felt sorry for them. Besides, you ever tried to get cats to go outside in the middle of a thunderstorm? Anyway , finally, finally , I fell into a fitful sleep , about 4:45 am , and awoke (refreshed?) at 5:00 am when the alarm went off. I had a pounding headache , a permanent imprint of Jordans foot on my cheek (face cheek thank you!) and a strange bump on my arm that looked suspiciously like a wart.....................

Lord , please don't let it rain tonight.

Thursday, June 12, 2008


Oh I can hardly wait until I get old. Well , I know I'm pretty old right now , but I mean when I get really , really old. I have lots of things planned for my children. They're gonna love it , I tell you! First of all , I'm gonna die my hair blue. Let em explain THAT to their friends! And definitely I'm going to live with them. Even if I can take perfectly good care of myself. And I'll rotate. Wouldn't want any of them to miss out on the fun.

Yes sir ree , I'm gonna have to have my own room of course , and I'll make them paint the walls black. And I'll have to have a tv, stereo , fridge and ipod in there cause you know all my friends have one and WHY CAN"T I?!! And I'm gonna pierce something , although I haven't decided what yet. When they go to the store I'm going to make them take me , and I'll have to have one of everything in the grocery store and of course I'll have to go the bathroom 15 times. Oh , it'll be so much fun. If I do it right , going for milk could take hours!

On the way there , I'll keep unbuckling my seat belt and if I'm feeling limber that day I may even climb up in the back window. If theres a cop behind us , I'll certainly throw my Depends out the window. Then I'll get carsick , and even if I don't actually throw up , I'll keep telling my son that I'm going to. I'll change the radio station 44 times before we get there , and he'll have to stop and let me go to the bathroom before we even get to the store. Oh and I have to have a puppy. Preferably one that someone is selling on the side of the road for 200 dollars.

When we go to church , that will be the best fun of all. I'm gonna wiggle and whisper and cough all the way through the sermon. And have to go to the bathroom. Oh , and pass gas. I'm gonna pass gas every where they take me , and laugh and giggle about it. When we go out to eat I'll run up and down the aisles and I think I'll even take my teeth out and lay them on the table. I tell you , it's gonna be so much fun I can hardly wait. Revenge is sweet.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


After reading many books and articles on the subject of organization I have decided to get my house in order . After much thought I have come up with two key concepts that I think will make everything much easier. They are : ( 1 ) Putting items near where they will be used and ( 2 ) Cutting out unnecessary steps. Ok , here's my plan :

I am going to throw away all lids to anything. No one ever puts lids back on , so this will eliminate me having to locate the lid ( toothpaste , ketchup , whatever ) and screw it back on. This will save a lot of time that can be better used elsewhere. Also , I am never going to fold clothes again , as the kids and husband just unfold them all , even if they are just looking for one shirt. So no more folding. And no more putting clothes away in drawers. In fact , when I take the boys clothes to their rooms , I'm just gonna walk in and dump them on the floor. Then I'm going to take all their toys and throw them out in the yard. That's where they leave them anyway , and this will free up lots of space. When I serve meals , I'm just gonna put it on the floor , cause from the looks of the carpet , that's where it's gonna wind up. This will eliminate the need to clean the table off. And also save on dirtying up dishes. Bet you thought I was gonna put the food in dishes BEFORE I put it on the floor , huh? HAH! We can just leave the crabs on the table from now on. When we take the Christmas tree down , I'm gonna take those lights and put them in the garbage right then. They won't work next year anyway , and I won't have to store them all year.

From now on , when we buy something new , I am either going to break it when we get it home or hide it. New items , particularly expensive video games , become lost as soon as we get them home anyway. As soon as I get up in the mornings I think I'll go through the house and throw all the towels on the floor , turn on all the lights , TVs , radios and video games , and pour the milk in the floor. This should save everyone a lot of time. I am also going to get a screwdriver and take down all the doors. Never again will I have to yell , " Shut the door"! Oh , and maybe I should pull all the boys baby teeth at once and get it over with. And I've decided to never make another bed. Hell , I think I'll just throw a blanket on there and throw the sheets on the floor. And for showers I've decided that while one boy is bathing in the tub , the other one can be bathing in the water that is going to get on the floor. Then after they're done , I'll just run in there with some wax , squirt it on the floor and slosh it around. Then the floor will be mopped and waxed.

I'm also gonna take the phone off the charger as soon as I get out of bed , so I won't have to wait all day for it to go dead. Never again , will it cut me off in the middle of an important phone call. I just won't have any important phone calls anymore. I'll dress the kids for school before they go to bed and strap their backpacks to them just before I turn off the light. And also tote 14 glasses of water in there all at once , so I don't have to make 14 trips.

I'll probably save days , if not weeks , of time each year by changing a few simple things. And it's so easy. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner. I think I'll start doing this professionally , you know , like Clean House or The Nanny! I may even become famous. Lets see : what could I call my show ? I've got it! " Trash this House". The commercial could say that I can teach you to trash your house with less time and money than ever before. Wow! I feel so much better now. If any of you need any organizational help , please feel free to write me at ava_collett@hotmail.com .
Oh , sorry , I've got to go. Some men with white coats on are at the door...........................

Monday, June 9, 2008

Don't give up on me. I'll be posting soon. My ac is still out , and my brain is about fried (more so than usual). It's taking all my energy to keep the fans going. Literally , I have to keep moving them around because they keep throwing the breakers. But while I'm moving fans around in creative positions , my mind is busy composing stories , so I'll be back soon.............

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

In the heat of the moment

Everyone knows not to go grocery shopping when you're hungry , but I discovered last night that you should not go when your hot and thirsty either. My central air quit about a week ago , and I've had three different companies look at it , and finally one of them told me it was dead. Has to be replaced. Cost $5,000 . So I've got to work on that , and believe me when I tell you ,that's gonna take some creative financing. So it was a hundred degrees in my house yesterday , so I took the kids swimming and then we went to the grocery store. I needed groceries but while I was there I started thinking about how hot it was at home. An hour later I checked out and my bill came to $86.00. Not bad for groceries , huh? Let me tell you what I got.

1 case of water
1 gallon of Arizona tea
1 quart of Lipton green tea with citrus
1 quart of pomegranate Arizona tea
1 12 pack of mountain dew
1 canister of pink lemonade mix
1 canister of yellow lemonade mix
1 six-pack of a&w root beer
1 snow cone maker
1 bottle of blue raspberry snow cone syrup
1 bottle of green apple snow cone syrup
4 bags of ice
1 bag of tortilla chips with a hint of lime ( I don't think I would have bought those but the lime sounded cool)

I think we'll be alright. Even though we have NO FOOD , you can go without food longer than you can go without water , and I think I've got that covered................................

Beauty tips for busy moms

1. Choose a blow and go hairstyle. I'm not talking about one that you can use a blow dryer on. I'm talking about something even better! For example , with my hairstyle , I simply wash it in the shower and then dash out to the van. I roll all the windows down , roll the sunroof back and go! Aside from being a little chilly in the winter time , it's perfect. By the time I get to soccer practice ( or the grocery , dentist , school , whatever ) it's dry . It has that perfect sexy , tousled look (well ok , maybe not sexy , but certainly tousled). I tell you , it gives a whole new meaning to blow and go.

2. One size fits all. Ok , with this you have to be a little creative , but who cares. It saves money and makes getting dressed in the morning a snap. You can still wear these clothes if you're bloated , or slim , or in between diets. It doesn't matter. Just make sure you have a large assortment of safety pins, staples , belts and suspenders.

3. 24 hour lipgloss. This stuff is great. It really does stay on 24 hours , even though it tastes and feels like *hit. But no one ever said being beautiful was easy. The only thing I didn't like about it is the fact that when I'm wearing it , every time I walk through the room , my husband asks me where I'm going. And it's always there when you need it. One morning I had to run into Jordan's school and I had forgotten that I still had my pajamas on. But no matter. I may have been wearing spongebob , but I had lipstick on!

4. Bathe the dog while you shower. Saves a lot of time. But make sure that you don't get the shampoo mixed up.

5. If the haircolor bottle says , "leave on for 30 minutes , it does not mean 1 hour."

6. No smudge mascara does not make good finger paint. Ask Jordan.

7. Instant face lift in a bottle does not work. Not on you anyway. However , the price does cause a surprised look on your husbands face , which gives him a slightly more youthful (stupid) look.

8. Do not use one of those epi whatever hair yanking out thingys. They don't yank the hairs out , but rather s-t-r-e-t-c-h them , and you can't get loose of the *amn thing.........................

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Feeling kinda sentimental and mushy today...........

Saturday, May 31, 2008

To my sons--Chris , Toby , Paul , Joey , Cane and Jordan.

Before I had you boys , I was nobody special. That changed the moment they put the first one of you in my arms. I became someone to be looked up to. You looked up at me then because you were hungry and you knew I was your Mama. I would have that honor , that specialness 6 more times , and it would last me all my life. One or the other of you, were always looking up to me. You looked up to me because you wanted to be picked up , or because you were hurt , or because you just wanted me to carry you around. As years passed you looked up to me and begged tp stay home instead of going to school that first day. Or you looked out across the audience at a school play , to make sure that I was there. When you did something good , you looked to make sure I saw. And when you did something bad you looked to see if you had been caught! You looked for me in the mornings for clean socks and at night for supper. You looked for me when a girl broke your heart. As you were handed your diploma you looked out across the sea of faces and somehow found me and our eyes locked and we smiled. When you handed me my first grandchild you looked at me as if to say "Look at this beautiful gift I'm giving you Mama." When you had lung surgery , you looked up to me from the hospital bed for assurance that you would be ok. When you had pneumonia , you looked up in the middle of the night to make sure I was still there. When you got married you looked at me and smiled at the tears in my eye.

As the years passed you didn't need to look to me for as many things , and physically I have to look up to you! You still look for me when you need someone to talk to , or when you miss me or when you're lonely. When you have good news to share you look for me. Now you look at me with respect and when you look at me I know what you see. You see someone special . Not because I think I'm special , but because you think I'm special. I often wonder what I did to deserve such an honor. When I look into your eyes and see the love shining there I feel the same way I felt the first time I ever held you. And I want all of you boys to know that whenever you look for me , I will always be there. Even when I am no longer of this earth , close your eyes and remember that I loved you more than anything in this world , and that I will be forever in your heart.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Does anyone know how to........

Do a strike through when you're posting and also is there anyway to make double columns? I can't find it on the templates.

A world without internet

I posted this on 2peas so some of you may have read it before but if not.........here you go.

I wake up because I have to go pee and pea , and notice that its still dark outside. I look at the clock and see that it's only 4:30 am , so I stumble to the bathroom for the first pee , then to the living room for the second pea. I figure I'll get a quick fix , and then go back to bed. But theres something wrong. There are big red letters on my computer screen thats says "THE INTERNET IS NOW OBSOLETE." I rub my eyes and roll my mouse around and look again and its still there, so I go back to bed sure that it will be ok in the morning. After all, the computer is always doing weird things that I don't understand and this is just another one.

So the next morning I wake up and think I remember part of some kind of crazy dream about the computer. I go to the kitchen and turn on the coffee , wondering why I didin't have to pee. Then I go to the computer , and OH MY GOD, it wasn't a dream. The big red letters are still there! I peep out the front door to see if the world has dissapeared and see all of my neighbors peeping out their doors. The air is filled with a strange silence, you know, like on a snowy day.

Well, I'm still fiddling with the computer ( beating on it and cursing it ) hours later, when I hear a news flash on tv , that says that indeed there is no more internet. So I go back to bed, because I can't really think of any reason to stay up. I drift back to sleep , but my 7 year old son wakes me up begging for breakfast. I stumble to the kitchen, feeling sick and disorientated and fix him something. Then I go back to the computer and stare at the *amn thing. I almost throw it out the door, in all it's useless glory. But I can't muster the energy.

I spend a couple of weeks crying and wandering aimlessly around the house. I can't think of anything to fix for supper , BECAUSE I CAN"T LOOK UP ANY RECIPES. I feel like I am growing dull and stupid because I have nothing to talk about , and have not learned anything new ,such as who stole lawn ornaments and whether I should be offended by something, or who hates wal-mart, in 2 WEEKS. I havn't put on my mineral makeup because I can no longer watch the pod cast instructions , and haven't been grocery shopping because I can't print any new coupons. I don't know if my friends are alive or dead because I can't even do email. I am a stranger in a strange land.

Then one day , out of shear boredom, I pick up a book. Doesn't matter what book, not important to the story. I begin to read. I read the whole thing in 2 hours. A light goes off in my head (not the same kind I used to get from computer eye strain). No, this is a different light. It is a light that tells me there may be hope.

Long story short (cause you know, you get a lot more done when you don't have internet). I read, I begin to paint again, I make the costumes for the entire 2nd grade play, I write a book that becomes a best seller. I realize that I'm glad that I didn't throw the computer out the door , because I wrote it on Word, with no internet. My house is always clean and I learned to cook from scratch. My family lost weight because we ride bikes everyday , and I no longer need the mineral makeup because I now have a healthy glow to my skin. I go to bed at 10 instead of 2 , and don't have to get up 4 times in the middle of the night to go pea. My puppy no longer has to pee on the floor , because we now have REAL newspapers , and I'm just so FRIGGING HAPPY I COULD CRY. Am I glad that internet is now obsolete? *ELL NO!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

How not to talk to kids

I guess by now you may have figured out that I talk too much and that half the time I don't know anything about what I'm talking about. But I do know a lot about kids. Well , boys anyway , since I have 6 of them. So I thought I'd give a little mini-course on how to talk to kids. Or maybe I should say , how NOT to talk to kids. No , I don't mean hiding from them or refusing to speak to them , as tempting as that may be at times. I mean , watch HOW you talk to them. Particularly those mom sayings , posed as questions , that every mom uses. Those kind of questions weren't really meant to be answered but little boys don't know this , and they're pretty honest with their answers. The other day , after doing something he shouldn't have and giving me some outlandish answer , I asked Cane , " Just how stupid do you think I am anyway?" He said , " well ,not real stupid , just kinda stupid." Of course I screamed , "What did you say!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and he looked at me with his big blue eyes and said ,"but you asked me mama."

One day I also made the mistake of asking Jordan if he thought I was born yesterday. "No mama , I know you weren't born yesterday. You would be just a little bitty baby. You were born a longlonglonglonglonglong time ago weren't you mama? You're reallyreallyreallyreally old. You're older than any of my friends mama's. How come you're so old mama?" So I counted to 10 and then very calmly screamed "SHUTUP ALREADY JORDAN." So then he put on that hurt look and started whining "Jeez mama, you ASKED me and I was just trying to tell you. You asked me if I thought you were born yesterday and then you scream at me for answering .. I can't do anything right...you get mad if I don't answer you....you get mad if I do...........what do ya want me to do..I don't know what you want.....well fine , I won't answer you anymore............" "Shutup Jordan." I said through clenched teeth , as I pried the top off the Excedrin bottle. "Well fine , but don't ask me no more questions." I then tried to explain to him that I was only mad at him because he was mouthing off and he says , "I wasn't mouthing off. I was answering your question. You always said that I can talk to you about anything and we were having a discussion and if you don't want me to answer you then why do you ask me silly questions like do I think you were born yesterday..I thought you really wanted to know......but I guess you didn't so don't ask me no more..." Lord I love that child , but his mouth just won't quit. I don't guess I can punish him because I DID ask him.

You see where I'm going here? You just have to be really careful what you ask them. So ,due to my expertise , I thought I would compose a list of what not to ever ask .


1. How stupid do you think I am anyway? See above

2. Do you think I was born yesterday? See above

3. Do you want your face to freeze that way? This involved Jordan trying
to fit inside the freezer.

4. Were you born in a barn? Don't ask.

5. Do you think I'm made out of money? Yes.

6. What part of no don't you understand? The first part.

7. Who died and left you boss? If you die can I be the boss
cause Cane ain't gonna be
the boss a me

8. You have an answer for everything don't you? Yes, but you ask me too many.

9. How many times do I have to tell you? About 12.

10. Who do you think you are? If he's a worrier this could
lead to having to prove that
he wasn't adopted.

11. Who do you think you're talking too? If you ask this one he really
will think you're stupid.

12. What did I say the first time? He will repeat what you said
but he still won't do it.

13. Do you think money grows on trees? He will explain how money
doesn't grow on trees but
paper does and money is made
out of paper so he doesn't
see why he can't just make
his own.............

14. Do you want to live in a pigsty? This could cause a temper
tantrum about why he can't
have a pig.
16. If everyone else jumped off a bridge
would you jump too? Are they going swimming? or
Is it on fire?