Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Emergency room adventure

So I had to go to the emergency room Sunday night about my knee. I couldn't walk so I needed to go see what was wrong with me. I took myself cause I don't like my husbands driving. Well , I exaggerate. I could walk , but like Tim Conway when he would play the old man on Carol Burnett , if anyone remembers that. Only he could go faster than me. Anyway , I was in awful pain , so I go to the emergency room and I have to park ACROSS THE STREET. There are so many people having emergency's that the lot is full. I know that I'm in for a fun-filled night.

So I park and begin my slow shuffle across the road. Not much chance of getting hit because in my pain filled daze , I neglected to change clothes before I left. I have on my sponge bob pj's , which consist of : 1 NEON yellow t-shirt that comes down to my knees , 1 pair of flannel NEON yellow pants with sponge bob plastered all over , 1 pair of NEON yellow sponge bob crocs (they have his face on it).Oh and I have bright red hair. Can you imagine what I must have looked like? A 52 year old woman doing the Tim Conway shuffle across the road with THAT on? Like I said , I wasn't worried about getting hit , they could see me coming for a mile. And I know they did. By the time I got to the emergency doors people were gathering at the windows and looking out.

I approached the desk and the girl asked me warily if she could help me and I told her that there was something wrong with my knee. She looked relieved , like maybe she thought I was going to be psychotic or something. Anyway , she took my info , told me to have a seat and wait. Which I did . For a l-o-n-g l-o-n-g time. The room was full and I couldn't believe how many people came out of the back. I didn't even know the hospital would hold that many people. While I was there 3 hooter girls came in. I guess they were Hooter girls cause that's what their t-shirts said. You know , have you ever noticed that there is hardly enough room on the t-shirts for all the letters. They all had on itty bitty matching shorts and those t-shirts. One of them was in labor. That gave people something to stare at for awhile besides me.

Anyway , FINALLY , they called my name. After I walked down the mile long hall to my SECOND WAITING ROOM , the male nurse asked me if I could walk. Now he saw me doing the shuffle trying to get down there where he was. But I just sweetly told him yes I could , but it takes me awhile AND I"M IN TERRIBLE FREAKING PAIN COULDN'T YOU SEE ME COMING WHY DIDN"T YOU COME GET ME IN A WHEELCHAIR WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!!!!? He didn't blink an eye , just told me , " Hi , I'm John and I'll be your server. I mean nurse." Well that made me feel good I'll tell you. Was it a joke or was he really a waiter and this was just something he did on the side? I don't know , too complicated for me to think about right then.

So he puts me in a room and 2 hours later the door pops open and in comes this good looking doctor , about my sons age. And he acts like I've only been sitting there 10 minutes. He's all cheerful and everything. You know what I mean? You've been there before , haven't you?
"So " , he says , "On a scale of 1 to 10 how bad would you say the pain is?"

"Well that depends. If I hold my breath and don't move at all, it's a 1. But if I so much as try to BREATHE ITS A TEN!"
So he starts pulling my sponge bob pants leg up and I'm trying to remember if that is the leg I shaved this month or if it was the other one. Before I can figure that out he tells me to kick off my crocs so he can see if my feet are swollen , and that's when I see MY TOES! I had forgotten all about them!

Let me tell you about my toes. Before my knee went out I had put on the fake french toenails. They were really cute. And very noticeable , cause they were a little long and purple with white stripes . They looked adorable. When they were all there. But since I couldn't wear my sandals with my feet swollen , the crocs had knocked some of them off. I hadn't been able to bend over and fix them with my knee like that. So out comes my swollen feet , with 2 purple toenails on one foot , and three on the other one. OMG! Embarrassed is not the word. The doctor sat there and contemplated them a minute , then looked up at me and said , " Do those come in yellow , cause the purple kinda clashes with the sponge bob , don't you think?" I mumbled something , but I don't remember what. I've tried to block that part from my memory. And then when I didn't think that things could get worse , a toenail fell out of my shoe. Well , as much as I hated to ask , I didn't have a choice. I couldn't reach it and I needed that toenail. The set didn't come with extras. So I had to ask the doctor if he would hand me my toenail.

So he tells me whats wrong with me and puts this huge Velcro strapped leg brace thing on me and I'm free to go. So I shuffle out the door , but now its more of a zombie shuffle because of the brace , than a Tim Conway shuffle. At the road , cars have to stop and let me go across. I know they're looking at me and I try to go faster , but I just can't. Boy it seemed like it took 30 minutes to get across that road , when in actuality it probably only took 29. Anyway , I almost make it , I'm almost all the way across , when the brace falls off. In the road. I think the sponge bob clothes made me look bigger than I am because it appears that they have given me one made for a 6 foot 5 , 300 pound man. Did I mention how hard it is for me to bend over? But I had to do it , I needed that *amn thing almost as bad as I needed the toenail. So I finally hook it with the end of my finger , and make it to my car. Lean up against the car and strap the thing back on ( 15 minutes ) and try to get in the car. Can't be done. So I unstrap myself ( 15 minutes ) and finally I can sit down in the car. As I drive home , I wonder if I can find toenails in bright yellow.


Melissa said...

I'm so sorry about your knee- but oh my goodness that was funny!

Thanks for sharing, feel better soon!

~~Tonya~~ said...

So sorry about your knee, hope it is getting better. But............I am literally in tears from laughing so hard. My God Girl!!! That is funny--esp asking the dr. to pick up your toenail!!!!!!!!!!!! [with tears running down my face......trying not to wake the kids]