Thursday, July 24, 2008

Get em while they're hot...only $19.95..............

When ever I buy something new that I don't know how to use , I try to read the directions first , but curiosity gets the best of me and I usually go ahead and use it ..........then read the directions AFTER it doesn't work right. My mama was the same way , and usually we got it right the first time. Except the time she bought the blow up breasts from Fredrick's of Hollywood. She was going dancing that night and they had come in the mail that day . After getting off work she didn't have much time to get ready so she took out her new breasts ( they were encased in a bra , thank goodness ) slipped them on , inserted the straw , and blew them up. Mama , being a slim women with small breasts , was delighted. Suddenly she had the breasts she had always wanted. I watched as she got ready , and although I thought she was beautiful , I was skeptical about the breasts. "Mama" , I said , "I don't think I'd wear those if I were you." "Why not?" "Well ,because they're FAKE , they aren't really yours. Aren't you afraid people will be able to tell?" "Don't be silly. How could anyone tell? And they certainly are mine.........I paid $19.95 for them.........they belong to me!"

Well , off she went dancing with her new boobs standing proudly at attention. The next morning when I got up , mama was already gone to work. I almost choked on my breakfast , when I opened the garbage can to throw away an eggshell , and found her breasts staring up at me. I couldn't wait for her to get home that night to tell me what had happened. Knowing my mama , I knew it would be a good one! I waited anxiously all day , but finally she got home and I was able to find out what had happened:

She said that things had been going great , she was dancing and having a good time. Her best friend was there and she admired mamas new boobs and was thinking about getting some. Then this one gentleman asked her to dance , and mama said she believed it was the Tango or something like that. She said things were fine until that last dramatic crescendo of music , when the man roughly pulls the woman to him. You know how that dance goes. Can you picture it in your mind? I could, and I was laughing so hard , until she gave me that look that could kill , so I shut up. Anyway , she said , he pulled her to him , and the force caused the stopper or something to pop loose ,and just as the music ended and all was quite, her breasts made this HUGE farting noise , that went on and on and on. She said the man pushed her away and shouted , loud enough for everyone to hear , "Good Lord lady , why dontcha go to the bathroom!"
Well , mama said she grabbed her friend and her purse and rushed out of there like she was on fire and she was NEVER going back! She said she guessed that's what she got for only paying $19.95!

That was the end of mama's breast enlargement experiments. Well except the time she bought the thing with the suction cup and water sprayer that you hooked up to the faucet...........but that's a whole nuther story.


barbara said...

Oh, Ava! You have spun your magic web again!
One of these days, I am going to wait until I get home to read your posts - one of my VPs came through my office this time when I was losing it!

Anonymous said...

Oh, my goodness! That's hysterical :D

I don't know if these stories are real or made up...and I really don't care:)

Just. Keep. Writing.


Elizabeth said...

Lol!! I so can't wait to read the instructions either. Funny post!

Dorlene said...

Oh Ava Jo - I am so glad I found your blog. You are one of the funniest people I have ever heard of. Your life is hysterical and I am so glad you share with the rest of us. Love the new things you are doing. Cute backgrounds, etc. Keep sharing. I need a good laugh!

Anonymous said...

Aw man! If I ever need a good laugh, I know I'll come back here! Your stories are. the. best.!

Thanks for your comment on my blog! I know what you mean about wondering how you'll have time to read them all!