Thursday, July 3, 2008

Pantyhose and push up bras

You sit on the bed vowing that this time when you put the pantyhose on , it's going to be different. You're gonna get it right the first time. So 30 minutes later you finally have them on , even though by now you're drenched in sweat and your ears are burning , meaning your blood pressure has risen. But no matter....you've GOT THE PANTYHOSE ON! So you stand up and notice that theres a little itch itch , then it gets worse............and worse..............until they're ITCHING ALL OVER...........but you've got to go or you're gonna be late. So you leave the house ( even though you know better ) with the horrible things on. Do you hate pantyhose as much as I do? And if you've ever worn any , then you know what I mean.Anyway , back to the story............................

Then they start moving. The heels turn around to the front and the waistband rolls down and my tummy POPS over the top...............then they start s-l-i-d-i-n-g down my hips......THEN the CROTCH starts sweating and it was already itching , so now you have a sweaty, itchy crotch with a tummy hanging over flap thingy and heels on the top of your foot. At this point you look pretty deformed , and it doesn't help that you're standing there in the check out at the grocery store , trying to rub your thighs together to help the itching , while at the same time doing a pelvis tuck belly dance kind of thing to try to get your tummy to POP back in , and by now you also look like you have LOOSE skin on your legs because they have started to C-R-A-W-L down your legs and by the time you get home you are nearly pulling your hair out and you're convinced they are ALIVE , so you RUSH into the bathroom , strip the vile things off and FLUSH EM DOWN THE FRIGGING COMMODE!!!!!!!!! Wow , sorry , got carried away there. I'm gonna take a deep breath and try to never , ever think about PANTY HOSE again



Oh yea and I forgot a couple of things. You ever see anyone wearing pantyhose with flipflops or toe sandals? I have and I'm here to tell you that is a sight to see. And I had forgotten about the saggy crotch. Well , its not so much saggy as taut cause it won't go all the way up so the crotch of the pantyhose is suspended about 3 inches below your crotch and stretched like a tightrope so that you walk like Charlie Chaplin. I'm telling you , if you farted in there it would bounce off that stretched crotch and richochet around in there until you took them off. And what about the ones that TWIST when you're putting them on and no matter how many times you redo it , that leg still twists so that by the time you get to the top of your thigh it's so tight that it has your thigh squeezed to about the size of your ankle? Ya'll have had them do that haven't you? Then there are the ones that are made..I don't know . they're just made funny so that they compress you so that it looks like your tummy is in back and your *ss is in front , which would work fine if you could walk backwards everywhere you go...............

One time I wore one of those half cup push up bra things and pantyhose at the same time. I'm serious. I had never worn one before so I didn't know that everytime I bent over the boobs would pop out. I guess I'm just not made for those things. Anyway , so I would straighten up and I would look like I had 4 of them .......the two boobs hanging over the top , and the parts of the two that were still in the bra............SO by the time that I got those babies put back in .......the pantyhose would start sliding down and out would pop the old tummy , so then I would bend over to grab the pantyhose by the ankles before they got away , and start working them back up to my tummy ,.....and then out would pop the boobs again..........I think I was at a funeral that day , and although I barely knew her , people thought we were best friends because by the time I left there I was crying so hard , and I could hardly walk ( due to the tightrope stretched crotch ) and my thigh , ( the ankle sized one ) had gone numb , so I practially had to be carried to the car..............well , I 've went off on a rant again......I really need to get a life.......

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

tee-hee-hee!

They say the best comedy comes from real life and I think that's true :D

I think it must have been another woman who invented pantyhose. Only a woman could be that cruel to another woman.

WVButterfly

Barbara said...

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Ava, I have GOT to STOP reading your posts while I am at work! It is so hard to be a receptionist while cracking up so hard I have tears coming out of my eyes!

6boyzmom said...

Awwww , but thats half the fun of it for me! Trying to make you loose it at work!

Kim Wheedleton said...

Oh. My Word. I can totally relate...That is EXACTLY why I haven't worn panty hose in years!

Rachel said...

Love Your Blog Sweetie! I Have Laughed So Hard That I Thought I Might Have Cracked A Rib! Keep Em' Coming, You Always Make My Day Brighter!!!
Hugs!