Friday, May 30, 2008

A world without internet

I posted this on 2peas so some of you may have read it before but if you go.

I wake up because I have to go pee and pea , and notice that its still dark outside. I look at the clock and see that it's only 4:30 am , so I stumble to the bathroom for the first pee , then to the living room for the second pea. I figure I'll get a quick fix , and then go back to bed. But theres something wrong. There are big red letters on my computer screen thats says "THE INTERNET IS NOW OBSOLETE." I rub my eyes and roll my mouse around and look again and its still there, so I go back to bed sure that it will be ok in the morning. After all, the computer is always doing weird things that I don't understand and this is just another one.

So the next morning I wake up and think I remember part of some kind of crazy dream about the computer. I go to the kitchen and turn on the coffee , wondering why I didin't have to pee. Then I go to the computer , and OH MY GOD, it wasn't a dream. The big red letters are still there! I peep out the front door to see if the world has dissapeared and see all of my neighbors peeping out their doors. The air is filled with a strange silence, you know, like on a snowy day.

Well, I'm still fiddling with the computer ( beating on it and cursing it ) hours later, when I hear a news flash on tv , that says that indeed there is no more internet. So I go back to bed, because I can't really think of any reason to stay up. I drift back to sleep , but my 7 year old son wakes me up begging for breakfast. I stumble to the kitchen, feeling sick and disorientated and fix him something. Then I go back to the computer and stare at the *amn thing. I almost throw it out the door, in all it's useless glory. But I can't muster the energy.

I spend a couple of weeks crying and wandering aimlessly around the house. I can't think of anything to fix for supper , BECAUSE I CAN"T LOOK UP ANY RECIPES. I feel like I am growing dull and stupid because I have nothing to talk about , and have not learned anything new ,such as who stole lawn ornaments and whether I should be offended by something, or who hates wal-mart, in 2 WEEKS. I havn't put on my mineral makeup because I can no longer watch the pod cast instructions , and haven't been grocery shopping because I can't print any new coupons. I don't know if my friends are alive or dead because I can't even do email. I am a stranger in a strange land.

Then one day , out of shear boredom, I pick up a book. Doesn't matter what book, not important to the story. I begin to read. I read the whole thing in 2 hours. A light goes off in my head (not the same kind I used to get from computer eye strain). No, this is a different light. It is a light that tells me there may be hope.

Long story short (cause you know, you get a lot more done when you don't have internet). I read, I begin to paint again, I make the costumes for the entire 2nd grade play, I write a book that becomes a best seller. I realize that I'm glad that I didn't throw the computer out the door , because I wrote it on Word, with no internet. My house is always clean and I learned to cook from scratch. My family lost weight because we ride bikes everyday , and I no longer need the mineral makeup because I now have a healthy glow to my skin. I go to bed at 10 instead of 2 , and don't have to get up 4 times in the middle of the night to go pea. My puppy no longer has to pee on the floor , because we now have REAL newspapers , and I'm just so FRIGGING HAPPY I COULD CRY. Am I glad that internet is now obsolete? *ELL NO!


Anonymous said...

First pee and second pea...that's hilarious :D

And I'm glad the internet is not obsolete!