Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Raising Cane

I was 44 years old when the doctor told me I was expecting. "Expecting what?" I asked , hoping for the lottery or maybe a raise. "Expecting a bebe." he answered , in his Jamaican accent.Do you know what the difference in hearing that when you're 44 and when you're 20 is? 24 years , THAT'S what the difference is! Oh Lord, I think my life flashed before my eyes. So the doctor assured me that this was a change of life baby and it would never happen again. Which is why I had another one 13 months later.

So as I went about my pregnancy , people would look at me and whisper and I thought they were saying things like , "AWWW- look at her. That's so sweet. She's so brave." Then I realized that they were saying stuff like ," Look at her...shes an idiot." I didn't care though. I had found out that the baby was a boy and I was beginning to be excited about it. But the doctor kept telling me ,"Boy this is gonna be a bigga bebe." He would gesture with his arms and stretch them out as far as they would go , to show me just how big. Finally, I wept and begged him to stop giving me updates on the baby's progress , as I had begun to have nightmares about giving birth to grown men.

My grown sons hated to go any where with me. They said it was embarrassing. They said that kids liked to pretend that their parents don't and had NEVER had s*x , and that it was pretty hard to pretend that if I weighed 200 lbs and walked with a waddle. My oldest son went to Wal-mart with me one day , and he made me walk 6 ft behind him. He said that he was afraid people would think I was his girlfriend.

So when you're my age , and your water breaks and you have to go to the hospital , the people there look at you funny too. Even though water is running on the floor, you weigh 200 lbs ,and you are screaming in pain while choking your husband , they look at you like you're not REALLY fixing to give birth. So I wound up having to have a c-section for the first time. I guess the thing don't stretch like it used to , but I would have thought it would be r-e-a-l-l-y stretched by now, if you know what I mean.And before I went in the delivery room they kept trying to get me to give them my teeth. I TOLD them they were mine, damnit , and the smart aleck kid that was giving me the gas, whispered that he would get them after I was out. I told him I'd sue his *ss.

Boy let me tell you, things have changed since I had a baby last. I mean , they have DRUGS now! Can you believe it? Well, everything came out alright , and when I woke up the first thing I did was make sure I still had my teeth. Then I decided that I wanted to try breast feeding. I had never tried to before and knew this would be my last chance (I thought.)Well, let me tell you, anyone that tells you that it just comes natural and that it's easy are either men , or liars. Or both. It wasn't easy and I don't want to talk about it. I had a lot of help though. But I will tell you that it is quite a shock to look down and see three hands on your breast, and none of them match. But anyway , between me and my sister and my husband and the flower delivery person, we managed to get him latched on. Then it took almost that many to get him latched OFF! I worried the whole time that I breast fed. I worried that he wasn't getting enough , because I couldn't SEE it going in, you know. I did it for 5 months though, which they say is a good start. Then my oldest son told me that maybe my breast' were just too OLD , so I gave up the good fight , with guilty relief. Turns out , Cane didn't care WHERE he got it , just so long as he got it.


Dawn said...

You are sooo funny!! I love this story. Now, you gonna tell us about the next baby??? lol

Dawn(3bmom from 2pp's)

6boyzmom said...

Thank you!

Beth said...

Oh I had the breastfeeding battle too. It was SO not easy. I think my daughter got more blood out of me than she did milk for the first couple days. (Hmm, an overshare perhaps? lol)

Kudos to you for even trying!