Monday, April 28, 2008

Sundried tomatoes

Tonight I want to talk about sun dried tomatoes. Or termaters , as we call them here in Arkansas."OH GAWD" , I can hear you say. She has run out of things to write about and now she wants to talk about termaters! But I haven't. I have a lot to say about a lot of STUFF! Just ask my husband. Anyway ,I have had sundried flavored things before , but never any real sun dried tomatoes. Until today. I love them , but I feel like I shouldn't. Have you ever SEEN a sun dried tomato? In oil? Maybe they should be called sun ROTTED tomatoes, because they do look like someone let them lay out in the sun until they rotted. And they are slimy. I love them anyway. I ate half the jar already.

SO I called my son , Toby , and asked him if sun dried tomatoes are actually rotten tomatoes. He said "NO Mom , they are sun DRIED tomatoes." I said , "But how can you be sure?" "Because they don't sell rotten food ,Mom." HA! I start to say , but decide to let it go. He's young....he'll learn. Anyway , as I was saying , today was the first time I had an actual sun dried tomato , instead of just some food that someone rubbed some up against. I ate them straight out of the jar. I rolled them up in a flour tortilla and ate them. I ate them on crackers. I ate them until they made my husband sick. He begged me to stop and made me promise I would brush my teeth before bed. ( I swear I do anyway!)

I had wanted to try them before , but they were so expensive! Have you seen how much they cost? Like at least 6 bucks a jar! Well , I found these at one of the one dollar stores ,you know where everything is , yep , one dollar. OMG , maybe these really are rotten , now that I think about it. Well I guess that's it for the termater post. Stay tuned for more product reviews..............

Sunday, April 27, 2008

The new 30

Well they say that 50 is now the new 30! Who in *ELL did they talk to that told them that? It sure wasn't me. I get so tired that this body doesn't feel like the new 30 , it feels more like the old 60. I mean everytime I get still , I fall asleep. Which means that sometimes , you may read stuff on here that makes no sense what-so-ever. If you do , please don't send me hate mail. Just feel sorry for me and hope I'll do better next time.

I carried the kids to see 'Horton hears a Who' the other day. At least the kids SAID he heard a who , but I couldn't swear to it. I never heard it. Which worries me cause now I have to also worry about my hearing going. Oh no wait, I fell asleep. THAT"S why I didn't hear it. Whew! Well, I tried to stay awake really I did. But 50 year old people arn't SUPPOSED to be running around eating candy pancakes at IHOP and trying to hear if Horton heard a Who. They are supposed to be laying on the couch eating bonbons (what are bonbons anyway) and figuring out what timeshare they want to buy. My body is not built for sprints between soccer fields and 30 LOADS OF LAUNDRY A DAY! and no one my age should have to dry a dog , fix breakfast , catch crabs , and spray the cat , while talking on the phone. It is degrading.

Really, I was glad that my hearing wasn't going. I wouldn't want to miss a moment of those precious little voices saying (screaming) , "MAMA HE HIT ME!" MAMA'HE AIN"T THE BOSSA ME! MAMAMAMAMAMA!" They say having kids when you're older keeps you young. Don't believe them. Whoever THEY are ,they are liars. Everyone of them. Or men. Or both.

Another thing, if I repeat myself, please be kind and just skip over that part. My sister and I tell each other the same stories over and over. We used to be too polite to say anything , but we got so *amn tired of hearing the same thing over and over , so now we just interupt and say , "You already told me that. Twice." No one gets their feelings hurt , because by the next day we've forgotten that we said that , and it starts all over again.........

Saturday, April 26, 2008

If I can find the goat.............

So I read about using the Monistat gel on the face and was trying to research that when I came across an article that SWORE that if you take a bath in goats milk , your skin will be restored to a smooth (pre-6 boys) baby softness.So thinking about my body being smooth again got me to thinking about what could I do for these BAGS under my eyes. So I looked that up. Preparation H was reccommended! So I'm sitting here weighing my options. Would I rather have bags under my eyes , or would I rather have them PUCKERED like a you -know-what hole? I can't decide: then I get a scary thought. What if it doesn't work and I wind up with PUCKERED BAGS under my eyes? I mean , I can't find anyone that has ever actually ever tried it, you know? It's very tempting. To be bag free would be a dream come true! Well, if I can find that damn goat that came in the house the other day , I'll take a soak and think about it. Does anyone here know how to milk a goat............

Friday, April 25, 2008

Along came Jordan

Remember how the doctor had told me that Cane was a change of life baby? So 13 months later Jordan was born. Wait, that makes it sound simple and easy. Not hardly. First of all , I had to listen to the doctors progess reports again.(Jamacain , remember?) "Boy, this is gonna be a itsy , bitsy , teeny , weeny bebe." He would then hold out 2 fingers in a pinching motion ,to show me just how teeny. The doctor informed that this baby was also a boy , because he "Sure had some big KA-HOO-NAS." I had no idea what kahoonas were and I was afraid to ask. Finally, a light went off in my head. He was using the plural form , and I could think of nothing else that kahoonas would apply too. So , once again , I begged for him to stop with the progress reports , because THIS time, I had begun to have nightmares of giving birth to a midget , with giant bal-I mean kahoonas dragging the ground , while wearing a yellow polka dot bekini. Oh My God. Wonder I have a hair left on my head. Believe me, stress DOES make your hair fall out ,but thats a whole nuther story.So anyway , since I had a c-section last time , they scheduled one for this time. So the big day comes and I check in to the hospital and when the guy comes in to give me the gas , guess who it is? That's right, Mr. "Give me your teeth." Like I said. he was just a kid , younger than some of my boys , so I figure I'll set him straight right away and we won't have any problems this time. So I look him dead in the eye and say "Don't say nothing about my teeth , and I won't whip your *ss." He must have believed me cause he left my teeth alone. My sister says I did ok in the delivery room , except I looked like hell and kept mumbling "Make sure you tie my tubes.......make sure you tie my tubes."

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Just wanted to say........

Thank you all for your wonderful comments. I'm amazed and grateful that ya'll find my stories worth reading. This blog thing is really fun. I had tried to set one up last year , but had no one to help , like you all have helped, so I never even made the first post. Besides for my boys and to pretend to look for the snake , I now have ANOTHER reason to get up in the mornings. Who could ask for anything more?!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Raising Cane

I was 44 years old when the doctor told me I was expecting. "Expecting what?" I asked , hoping for the lottery or maybe a raise. "Expecting a bebe." he answered , in his Jamaican accent.Do you know what the difference in hearing that when you're 44 and when you're 20 is? 24 years , THAT'S what the difference is! Oh Lord, I think my life flashed before my eyes. So the doctor assured me that this was a change of life baby and it would never happen again. Which is why I had another one 13 months later.

So as I went about my pregnancy , people would look at me and whisper and I thought they were saying things like , "AWWW- look at her. That's so sweet. She's so brave." Then I realized that they were saying stuff like ," Look at her...shes an idiot." I didn't care though. I had found out that the baby was a boy and I was beginning to be excited about it. But the doctor kept telling me ,"Boy this is gonna be a bigga bebe." He would gesture with his arms and stretch them out as far as they would go , to show me just how big. Finally, I wept and begged him to stop giving me updates on the baby's progress , as I had begun to have nightmares about giving birth to grown men.

My grown sons hated to go any where with me. They said it was embarrassing. They said that kids liked to pretend that their parents don't and had NEVER had s*x , and that it was pretty hard to pretend that if I weighed 200 lbs and walked with a waddle. My oldest son went to Wal-mart with me one day , and he made me walk 6 ft behind him. He said that he was afraid people would think I was his girlfriend.

So when you're my age , and your water breaks and you have to go to the hospital , the people there look at you funny too. Even though water is running on the floor, you weigh 200 lbs ,and you are screaming in pain while choking your husband , they look at you like you're not REALLY fixing to give birth. So I wound up having to have a c-section for the first time. I guess the thing don't stretch like it used to , but I would have thought it would be r-e-a-l-l-y stretched by now, if you know what I mean.And before I went in the delivery room they kept trying to get me to give them my teeth. I TOLD them they were mine, damnit , and the smart aleck kid that was giving me the gas, whispered that he would get them after I was out. I told him I'd sue his *ss.

Boy let me tell you, things have changed since I had a baby last. I mean , they have DRUGS now! Can you believe it? Well, everything came out alright , and when I woke up the first thing I did was make sure I still had my teeth. Then I decided that I wanted to try breast feeding. I had never tried to before and knew this would be my last chance (I thought.)Well, let me tell you, anyone that tells you that it just comes natural and that it's easy are either men , or liars. Or both. It wasn't easy and I don't want to talk about it. I had a lot of help though. But I will tell you that it is quite a shock to look down and see three hands on your breast, and none of them match. But anyway , between me and my sister and my husband and the flower delivery person, we managed to get him latched on. Then it took almost that many to get him latched OFF! I worried the whole time that I breast fed. I worried that he wasn't getting enough , because I couldn't SEE it going in, you know. I did it for 5 months though, which they say is a good start. Then my oldest son told me that maybe my breast' were just too OLD , so I gave up the good fight , with guilty relief. Turns out , Cane didn't care WHERE he got it , just so long as he got it.


This is one of our cats. Don't look at me like that! I'm not the one that named her.

The guy that jumped up on the chair.

A few pictures.

I will post later tonight when I have more time.

Good morning Everybody!

Well, I said good morning everyone. But who am I kidding. I know no one is reading this yet cause no one knows I'm here! Anyway , if there is anyone here, what do ya'll have on right this minute? I have on lime green pj pants with blue polka dots , a purple t-shirt and pink crocs. And oh yea, my hair is red. Now if that won't open your eyes in the morning , I don't know what will!

Ok , so my grandson (he's 15 and lives with us) came home from his dads with a snake in a jar. He asked if he could keep it and I , being the wonderful person that I am said, "Not no, but HELL no." Well, he looked so sad (my grandson,not the snake) that I decided to let him keep it. Because after all, thats what being a boy is all about right. And these are the best years of his life (never mind that it's taking years off of mine) their only young once , blah,blah ,blah. So I let him keep it.

Anyway, my husband is even more scared of snakes than I am. I once saw him run out of the house screaming,all because of a little ole lizard Jordan brought in. Anyway , so my husband comes home and he says (screams) "Why do you have a snake in a jar?" Well, I told him cause the pet store was closed and we can't get an aquarium until tommorrow. He says, "But ya'll can't keep it. Now I really mean it this time. I didn't say too much about the pig , and I don't even want to talk about the tarantula , but NO SNAKES." I told him that I couldn't agree more,cause I don't like em either. So the next day when we went to the pet store to get the aquarium the woman told us we also had to have a mouse, a warm rock, some sand and a water dish. So I can't believe I paid 80 bucks to keep a snake I didn't even want.

Well, anyway , I think that Timmy is gonna put him in his room and I'll never have to look at him again,right? Is that what you think happened? Hell no, he put him right here by the computer. Why? So that the snake can keep him company while he plays his computer game. Ok, I'm getting off the subject. So Timmy sets the snake up in his new home , and I'm trying to come up with a story for my husband of why we still have the snake. So my husband comes home, sees the snake in the aquarium and starts screaming about how he BEGGED me not to keep the snake , and how he will never be comfortable in his own home , and yada-yada-yada. Well, I didn't say nothing , because what could I say?

So I began to notice that the snake goes under the sand everytime my husband walked by. Husband did not notice this, as he refused to look at him anymore. Probaly the snake was scared because of all the screaming and weeping , and figured that when the MAN human was near, that he should hide.

Ok, so next morning,my husband gets up and goes straight to the snake house, I guess to see if I had a change of heart and let him go. So I'm trying to drink my coffee and my husband say, "So you let the snake go?" All I said was, "No." and OMG , I never heard such screaming in my life. Made me drop my coffee cup. "WHERE IS HE THEN? HE"S NOT IN HERE!! HE"S GONE-HE'S GONE! WHERE IS HE?" Well , not being in too good of a mood , cause I never got to drink my coffee , I decide to play along. I jumped up on the nearest chair (keep in mind that I knew the snake was under the sand) screaming , "FIND HIM-FIND HIM!!"

Well hell, my husband jumped up on a chair too. My husband is 6 foot 4 and 200 lbs, but any notion I might have ever had about him protecting me went right out the window.So while we stood on the chairs and had a discussion about how the snake would have had to CHEW through the glass to get out, I decided not to tell him that he was under the sand. EVER. Anyone that believes that a snake can chew through glass and then repair the hole, deserves what ever he gets. Finally, my husband got off the chair , told me that I had ,"BETTER find that snake before he got home." and left for work. So I went and made another cup of coffee , and sat and watched the snake crawl out from under his sand. I got such a kick out of that , that I almost like the snake now.

That was about 2 months ago. I never told my husband that the snake was still in there, and the snake has never let him see him. Everyday , when my husband comes in the door he says, "Did you find the snake?" I shake my head sadly , and my husband goes to our bedroom. He watches TV back there now. Maybe he thinks its A SAFE PLACE. You should see my husbands eyes dart around......awww I shouldn't say that cause that sounds like I'm making fun. I was gonna tell him, really I was , but one day just kinda lead to another, and now I'm scared to tell him. I don't know what he'll do to me.

Mom to the wild things said the trap will hold 40,000 flies. There were only 5 or 6 in the house. To think I went through all that for 6 flies.Well, the possum is gone and so is the trap. I guess he carried it with him. Good riddance.

Ok , one more thing , then I'm gonna stop , I swear. I am so mad at the company that made this damn bag of stench from hell, and I'm mad at wal-mart for selling such a thing. I KNOW thats irrational. I KNOW that I'm the one that opened it wrong. I don't care. I'm still mad. They should have a big red warning on it , you know, about how bad it smells and about possums and such.And......they say wal-mart will take back anything , and I feel like taking the thing back up to wal-mart. Not for the 4 bucks, but for the principal, you know. But I'd have to carry the damned possum too. OK, I'm done, I promise.

Oh yes , theres more. I didn't tell ya'll this part yet , but sometime today , my central air went out , and the repairman can't come until tom. It's 81 outside, and inside it says it's 89. So here I was with my stinky, SWEATY *ss. Ok, so I finally got the stink off, but as I mentioned ,there is a possum rolling around on that stinky bag in the yard. I kid you not. He won't go away. I threw a shoe at him and he just turned around and looked at me . So the *amn bag is lying out there, with the possum on it, and now I have to have my window open to try to get some air in this hot *ss house. How far did I throw the bag? Not far enough , I'll tell you , because every time a breeze comes through the window , so does the stench. And the sound of the possum grunting in bliss. So this is how I've got to try to sleep tonight. IF I manage to go to sleep despite the smell, will the possum try to come in the window? And I swear , if my husband wakes up and asks me what that smell is ,I'm gonna tell him he farted in his sleep.(I'm not in a very good mood) And if he dares ask me about the possum, I'm gonna say "What possum? I don't see a possum must be having a nightmare".....................

I didn't know it was gonna smell like that or I would have never put it in the house. Hell, if I'd have known it was gonna smell like that I'd have left it at Wal-mart. About the time I realized how bad it smelled , was just about the same time it hit me in the face. I think I've got the smell off of me now and out of the house, thanks to all yall's suggestions. I can still smell it a little, but think that's up my nose, and am considering snorting vinegar next............. so I threw the *#stard thing out in the yard and now I see theres a possum rolling around out there on it. This has been a loooooooooong day................

OH-MY-GOSH!! Ok, so I live in the country , down the road from a chicken house, and in warm weather flies are a problem. Tried the sticky strip , and got it wrapped around my head, all up in my hair.well that's another story, for another day. Anyway , so I see this fly trap at wal-mart that says just fill with water and keep flies away. I think, well I can do that! So I buy it and get it home and in my haste to make my home fly free, I tear open the package and THEN read the directions. They start out with.READ CAREFULLY BEFORE OPENING. So I knew I was in trouble. You're supposed to suspend this thing in this bag of water and when you add the water it activates this fly attractant stuff.Well, so I tape the bag back up and fill it with water and oh so carefully , begin to hang it in my laundry room. So far so good. So I'm looking up, hanging it when..I know you know what happens next. Yea, it busted. That stuff pours down on me and oh my God , I can't begin to describe the smell.

Well, it's worse than any *hit I EVER smelled in my life , with some dead dog and dead fish thrown in for good measure. And it's all over me. So does the stuff wash off? Of course not. IT WON"T COME OUT. THE SMELL WON"T GO AWAY. What am I gonna do? Well , I guess if I go stand in the frigging yard the flies will be attracted to me and stay out of the damn house. And to top it off, I PAID 4 BUCKS TO SMELL LIKE *HIT.

This is our wiener dog. His name is Booker.

So last week, while I was going about my business, I looked out the door and I 2 little boys barreling down the drive way , followed by 3 more boys on bikes , our wiener dog , a saint Bernard , 2 cats and a goat. Well they all screeched to a stop in the yard and ran in the house. That's what I said . THEY ran in the house.All of em. I'm scared of goats. I don't know why. Maybe cause I never had one in the house before. Well , he liked it in there.He ran from room to room, sniffing and carrying on, while I screamed "Get that goat outta here!" I flapped my dishtowel at him , but it wasn't very effective from the other room. Well , the kids and dogs and cats chased him around for about 10 minutes and couldn't catch him. That makes it sound simple. It wasn't. It involved much bucking (goat) grabbing by horns (kids) and screaming (me).Well the goat finally settled down, right under my desk. You know, the part where I have to put my feet. I screamed "That goat can't stay there!" "Who's goat is it anyway?" "We don't know mama.He just followed us home-can we keep him?"What do they mean can they keep him? Hell , they can't even catch him. Anyway so the goat came out from under the desk , looked at me , and started running, YES I SAID RUNNING , towards me. I threw the useless dishrag down and ran to the bedroom, but in my sprint for life I failed to shut the door , and he came right on in. I jumped on the bed. I know that you know what I'm gonna say next. Yes , he jumped up on the bed too. Well, I was beside myself. I think my life flashed before my eyes. Every time I jumped , the goat jumped. (He must have done this before). I'm 52 and have had 6 boys , so every time I jumped , I peed. Every time I screamed I peed. I have no idea if the goat was peeing too because I was too scared to look. So FINALLY my husband came in from out back where he had been cutting grass and do you know what he said ? He said "Why do you have a goat on the bed?" OMG- I will hurt him bad someday. So I'm screaming, "GET IT OFF,GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!!!" I guess the goat was tired of playing so he jumped down and once again the chase was on. Finally one of the kids managed to grab him and hold on long enough for the picture. My husband took the picture. I was in the bathroom changing my pants.

So the crab was huddled in the corner and the other one was walking along ,so I thought, as I walked by, "I wonder if that crab is even alive?" I try to never even look cause it usually gets me in trouble. But this time I looked. So I ease the lid up and get a spoon and roll the crab over. He just lies there with his claw sticking out and everything. Nothing. So I ever so gently poke the claw with the spoon. Nothing. So I poke a little bit harder. Still Nothing. So just a weeee bit harder and wahm! OH MY GOD! He latched onto the spoon and as a reflex I jerked my arm out of the cage,crab still attached and slung that sucker clear across the room! Lord have mercy. So then I have to go retrieve him, thinking I had killed him for sure. But no way am I gonna pick him up cause hes probably mad by now...........anyway so I go back to the kitchen and get a coffee cup and when I get back hes gone! For a crab that I thought was dead , he sure moves fast , I'm thinking, as I look around desperately for my shoes. Well, I find the crab, take the spoon and rake him into the coffee cup and pour him out in the cage. Then I wonder if I'll think about him, everytime I try to drink out of the cup. I realize that I'm sweating. If that crab dies in the next couple days , I ain't saying nothing. One thing I will tell you is this: If the damn snake stops moving , he can lay there till he rots. I ain't poking him!